Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Snow -

This is topic Snow - in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Kris Maure (Member # 3898) on :

I have had this story in my head for a long time and it is in my and some other peoples opinions a really good story (no im not braging). The story is a sad store I must say, its about a young woman and her very turbulant life, she is 17 years old, beautifull, intelligent, but quite nieve. She was happy, she had goals and dreams, a family, good friends, a dog. Then one night her life change so fundementlly that she became strickened in a short time with sadness, gilt, grief, dispair, rage, hate, lust, and eventually .... loss. I did say that this story is about sadness, but I must add death. The Main characters name is Venessa but she goes by the name Snow.

Hear im just going to put down some dialoge becuase im not comfortalbe with what I have accompished but this dialog is going to be in the story.

Captain – “You’re abilities, your long life, and the potential that you have …. I mean, I envy you in what you have done and what you will do.” “Man kind has only dreamed of immortality and living with out consequence; you, you Snow are living it.”

Snow – You think that I enjoy this existence… you think that I like not having any long term friends, a family of my own, a special someone to hold me, … I ****ing hate this existence, it sucks and I’m tired of it.” “Though you are right … I do have potential, I still have many things to do, I have all the time I need and while I’m immersing my self in all the world has to provide, I want the one thing that every single person of this ****ing planet fears and try’s to prolong”

Captain – “What?”

Im an amature writer and have lots of learning to do, but if I can express this story on to paper or in text the way i play it out in my mind , it would be a very good story. i dont know if it's an oroginal and i hope it is.

Some more.

[Hk]Genesis

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 13, 2006).]

Posted by Kris Maure (Member # 3898) on :

May i ask why this was edited

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

Go back and read the "Please Read Here First" forum, and you'll probably find the answer to your question. I did not see the pre-edited version, but chances are high you failed to follow the rules of 13 lines only, measured using Courier 12 point type and 1" margins on your word-processor. (Note: it's the same amount of text that fits neatly in the box you typed your post into.)

I'm trying to figure out a polite and kind way to say this to you, but I fear I must rely on being blunt, instead: your spelling is atrocious. I lost count of the errors after about 20.

Good writing is a combination of clever, unique ideas AND technical prowess. If you want to be taken seriously as a writer, make use of your spell checker and your dictionary both. Read books on writing, such as "Eat Shoots And Leaves" and Strunk and White's "Elements of Style."

Why are proper spelling and grammar so important? The reader cannot lose themselves in the story when they are jarred out of it because every other word is spelled wrong, used wrong in a sentence, or the grammar is wrong.

Spelling and grammar are the tools of the writer's craft in the same way a hammer and nails are the tools of the woodcraftman's trade. You can have the most lovely story idea in your mind, but if you cannot craft the technical part of your prose clearly, your story will never have a chance to take on that lovely shape in the mind of the reader.

I advise you to continue writing, but realize this is a craft like any other, and requires study, practice, research, practice, and more practice. Plus, practice. And MORE practice.

[This message has been edited by Elan (edited October 13, 2006).]

Posted by sojoyful (Member # 2997) on :

I second everything Elan said.

Let me also add this: I encourage you not to be discouraged. We are all at different stages in our development as writers. Also, no individual is at an equal level in all aspects of the craft. For example, someone who is good at plot development might need improvement in setting development, or somesuch. Personally, my strengths are story arc and characterization, but my narrative voice needs serious work, and I can't write the opening lines of a story to save my life. So we all have our little things that we are working on.

Although it's true that your technical skill needs attention, that doesn't mean you don't have strengths in other areas of the craft. Don't give up! Work hard at improving what needs improving, so your existing strengths can shine through. Good luck!

Posted by Hendrik Boom (Member # 1991) on :

Interesting stuff. You start telling me about your story, and it looks as if it is going to be the old cliche of beng stricken with a fatal disease in the prime of ones life -- and then you pull the carpet out from under my feet and do the exact opposite in your story extract! I'm really curious to see what you plan to do with this.

I won't comment on the grammar and such because others have already done that.

Your dialogue seems a little stilted, though -- I can't really imagine people talking like this, unless it is on stage at some kind of formal ceremony. Except for the profanity, that is. It does make Snow's speech less formal than the Captain's.

-- hendrik

[This message has been edited by Hendrik Boom (edited October 13, 2006).]

Posted by wetwilly (Member # 1818) on :

I agree the dialogue sounds stilted. It doesn't sound like real people talking. There are some writers who just seem to have a natural ear for picking up people's speech patterns and making their characters sound like real people. Then there are the rest of us, for whom it is a big hurdle trying to get written words on a page that we've labored over for hours to sound like words spoken on the fly.

I suggest consciously paying attention to people speaking. Maybe spend some time sitting in busses eavesdropping on other people's conversation, or sitting in the mall or whatever. Pay attention to phrases/expressions/speech patterns that stand out to you. Try to pay attention to the ones that don't really stand out, too. That's how real people talk, and that's how we make dialogue in stories believable.

Also, try reading some books by the authors who are really good at writing good dialogue. Stephen King comes to mind, also John Steinbeck (although his is definitely "period" dialogue). You might also give Barbara Kingsolver a read, and J.D. Salinger (I hate--HATE--"A Catcher in the Rye," but I have to admit the dialogue is very naturalistic.) Quentin Tarantino is also one to pay attention to for good dialogue, even though he writes movies and not books.

My final suggestion is to read all of your dialogue out loud. Listen to yourself to see if you sound like a real person talking. Maybe even have someone else read it out loud to you, so you can just listen.

Ear for natural dialogue is something that takes time to develop for most of us. It's a learnable skill, though, which is the good news.

On a side note, it goes without saying that you think your story is really good. Why else would you write it? And why else would you EVER let a bunch of strangers read it?

[This message has been edited by wetwilly (edited October 13, 2006).]

Posted by Kris Maure (Member # 3898) on :

You right about my spelling, it was late and I nerver spell checked it, then the admin hacked and slash her way through. I was like "Bah".

But anyways, I must have made it a bit long, maybe that is the reason why it was edited. Hear is the rest.

Snow – “I want to die.”

Captain – “What! ….What the hell for?”

Snow - “It’s the one thing that I cant have and I want it, I want to end this existence and go to sleep and not wake up; you know how many times I’ve killed myself and thought, no wished that maybe this is the one time I wont wake up, this is the one time I can finally rest” “It became quite depressing after a few times …. Killing myself …. Then waking up after a while in a pool of my own cold blood”

Posted by Kris Maure (Member # 3898) on :

My plot

The U.U.T.O (Urban Underground Terrorist Organization) has been crushed leading to the end of the urban wars of 2045 that stretched across American. Soon after society has recovered and a new sense of prosperity has gripped the once mighty United States, money and jobs are in abundant. With this new Prosperity, Science and Technology have really taken off with newer and greater optimism leading to several advancements that better society and the World. In the wake of this optimism a man named Quintus S Denander steps to the plate and takes the nation by storm with his revolutionary ideas and visionary idealism, Quintus S Denander becomes the father of cybernetics and changes the nation and the world forever. 2049 - Haak (Humanities Accomplishments Awareness Knowledge) is created and Quintus S Denander is in charge and through Haak millions of people world wide and given a new hope with Denander’s cybernetic breakthroughs. Quintus becomes extremely rich and powerful, this allows him to gain great respect and influence and from his success he wants more.

Posted by Kris Maure (Member # 3898) on :

Quintus envisions a utopia for all and endeavors to rid the world of all imperfections, inadequacies, flaws that don’t fit into his idealism, many millions see this as a good thing and revere Quintus and many do not. Haak under the strong leadership of Quintus explore other fields of Science and Technology and make remarkable advancements, which in turn allows Haak to become a global power. Absolute power corrupts absolutely and Quintus him self becomes involved in various very illegal activities; he then dabbles in the dark underworld and allies himself with a quietly growing enemy.

Posted by Kris Maure (Member # 3898) on :

Many High ranking Military and Government official of the United Nations and the United States Government become uneasy with this and take action; nobody should have that much power, they fail in there attempt to stop Quintus, and in his revenge Quintus counter attacks with devastating efficiency. A decision is made, Quintus has to die. An elite Special Forces group is put together from the best of the best and is assigned to take down Quintus S Denander. In the presence of this deadly group of Special Forces is a very unique individual that is far more deadly then the whole of the Special Forces group put together, this individual is named Snow and she is an FBI secret.

Story takes place in the year 2063.

Posted by sojoyful (Member # 2997) on :

You obviously haven't followed Elan's suggestion to read the "Please Read Here First" forum. There's a reason your fragment was cut, and it's the same reason why you shouldn't just continue it in a new post. To avoid making yourself look foolish, please go read that forum before dissing Kathleen (also known as SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED).

You should probably look around the Fragments & Feedback Forum for a while to get an idea of how it is used.

Posted by Kris Maure (Member # 3898) on :

Ahhh ok, read and understood. Me stupid, beat keyboard against head.

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

quote:
then the admin hacked and slash her way through

Actually, all I do is cut stuff off at the end of 13 lines. I don't even read the excerpt until after I've done that, so there's no way I could hack and slash through it.