Hatrack River Writers Workshop: My first 13 lines....my latest short story

This is topic My first 13 lines....my latest short story in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Dzire (Member # 3597) on :

This is the first fragment I'm posting.
It's the beginning of my latest short story, a really short short story

She was in her room. She looked to her bed, to her cupboard and then to the door. She closed her eyes, everything went black, the darkness did smooth her mind. Now she could concentrate, focus her mind just at one thing and keep it there, but that feeling didn’t last long.
Far away in the darkness a small yellow dot started to form itself and to grow bigger, coming nearer and nearer. It wasn’t a proper circle, it was reforming its shape all the time and as it nearly filled out all her vision its colour turned from the bright yellow to a dark red. The coloured thing was now going back and coming forth again.
All of this was happening really fast. She was kind of annoyed by those movements. She wanted to open her eyes again, to make it go...

I'm looking forward to reading your critiques.

If you want to read the whole thing...it's really short...e-mail me: lena@lunarflare.de

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

My reactions:

She was in her room. [WHO? MAY AS WELL GIVE US A NAME.] She looked to her bed, to her cupboard and then to the door. [WHY?] She closed her eyes, everything went black, the darkness did smooth her mind. [PREVIOUS SENTENCE IS A COMMA SPLICE -- SEE A MANUAL OF STYLE.] Now she could concentrate, focus her mind just at one thing and keep it there, but that feeling didn’t last long. [CONCENTRATE ON WHAT? WHAT'S SHE FEELING?]

So my major reaction is just that I don't know what's going on.

Here are some discussions we've had that address this one way or another:

Keeping secrets from the reader http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/002021.html

Why the problem with the first 13 isn't that it's too short
http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/002662.html

Just tell me http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/002716.html

Welcome!

Posted by Dzire (Member # 3597) on :

That's the problem with the whole story..You'll never know who she is. You just know what she feels and in the end you get an explanation what made here feel like that.

I wrote it as a short story, but now I think I could change it into the beginning of a longer story.

Posted by Simon_S (Member # 3953) on :

Hi there,

quite the same comments as wbriggs above - it would be a good thing to let us know who this person is. I get the feeling she is developing a migraine attack, but then on the other hand it could just as well be the-nameless-thing-that-lurks-in-the-dark-and-changes-shapes-and-eats-you-if-you're -not-careful... But the thing she is trying to concentrate on, what's that?

So, a little bit more info would make me happy

Posted by Dzire (Member # 3597) on :

The woman is insane..and you watch her mind while she's having an attack. Then she gets medication that stops the crazy movements in her head, but if I tell you this in the beginning the whole story is useless.

Posted by AeroB1033 (Member # 1956) on :

Okay, but what's the point...? This sounds a bit like one of those stories where stuff happens, and then at the end, it was all just a dream.

From the way you describe it, it sounds like I'm going to read a bunch of weird stuff going on, and then at the end, I'm just going to say "oh. She's just crazy." And therefore, nothing in your story really mattered.

Correct me if I'm wrong.

Posted by Dzire (Member # 3597) on :

I guess you're right, but I never saw it from that ankle.
But if I take it as the beginning of something longer, it may matter that she's crazy or how her craziness shows.

[This message has been edited by Dzire (edited October 03, 2006).]

Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :

If she's crazy and having an attack, it might be more interesting to have the sane part of her observing her mind starting to slip away. That would make it less scattered and perhaps characterize her better (show how she's reacting, possibly why she feels the way she does, etc.), while still allowing the reader to see the insanity "from the inside".

Regards,
Oliver

Posted by Jake Talahan (Member # 3978) on :

I love giving honest critiques. Wahahaha.. ::cough::

It's disorganized, fragmented, and dosen't flow well. Maybe you should try first person perspective?

quote:

She was in her room. She looked to her bed, to her cupboard and then to the door. She closed her eyes, everything went black, the darkness did smooth her mind. Now she could concentrate, focus her mind just at one thing and keep it there, but that feeling didn’t last long.
Far away in the darkness a small yellow dot started to form itself and to grow bigger, coming nearer and nearer. It wasn’t a proper circle, it was reforming its shape all the time and as it nearly filled out all her vision its colour turned from the bright yellow to a dark red. The coloured thing was now going back and coming forth again.
All of this was happening really fast. She was kind of annoyed by those movements. She wanted to open her eyes again, to make it go...

My eyes move from the cupboard to the bed, to the door. I close my eyes. What the world is happening to me?! Everything is going black, oh my god! Yet it soothes me. I breathe deeply, but I can feel it's ragged. For a moment, I am given some well needed rest from this nightmare.

Then, to my confusion, a dot appears. It is small, yellow, and coming towards me! It was constantly reforming, mishapen, blocking out my vision completely...

I think that this method puts the reader more in the 'seat' of the character, letting him or her actually relate better to the events going on.

You also might want to look at 'flow' as I call it. your writing seems like a grocery list. Eggs. Tomatos. Dishwashing Fluid. I think it sounds better as 'Eggs, Tomatos and Dishwashing Fluid.' In example from your writing:

quote:
She was in her room. She looked to her bed, to her cupboard and then to the door.

She was in her room, and she looked to her bed, the cupboard, and then the door. It was all the same. She closed her eyes...

Finally, one more addition:

You're starting out your story breaking one of OSC's rules. You're putting the character in a dramatic situation before we have a chance to get to know her as a person. Why would we care that she's having an attack?

Hope you found my comments useful! Good luck!

[This message has been edited by Jake Talahan (edited October 03, 2006).]

Posted by sojoyful (Member # 2997) on :

Hi Dzire. Sounds like you have an interesting idea here.

I understand your desire to maintain the suspense - it is a suspenseful moment. However, suspense usually comes from an understanding of what is happening and the anticipation of what will happen next. For a cheesy example, think of the babysitter hiding behind the shower curtain while the serial murderer creeps up the stairs. We know she's in the shower, we know he's on the stairs. We know he's the murderer, we know she's the intended victim. We have ALL the information. But we feel suspense because we know the stakes and are waiting for what happens next.

The feedback you're getting indicates that perhaps the readers are missing out on the suspense you want to generate because they are confused. In the example, pretend you don't even know the killer exists, or that this story is about a murderer, or anything. ALL you know is that there's a girl in the shower freaking out, but you have no clue why. That would be confusing, no? A lot less suspense, because we don't have all the information.

I agree with you, it seems counter-intuitive to create suspense by giving everything away. But in fact, that's how it works. So I would encourage you to provide more information about who this character is, the nature of her condition and situation, etc. That way, when she is having this 'episode', we will be sympathetic and feel the intensity of the moment, instead of confusion.

I encourage you to keep working on this. Like I said, you've got an interesting idea, so stay with it. Good luck!

Posted by Swimming Bird (Member # 2760) on :

The problem with this piece is that it's all telling. It gets boring after the third sentence because there is little variety of sentence structure.

"She got up. She walked over there. She sat down"

That's all very uninteresting, monotonous, and inane.

Mix up your writing. Work on a style that strays for sheer telling.

Posted by Dzire (Member # 3597) on :

Thanks for all your help, I'll stick to it and change a lot.
At first I'll think more about the structure of my sentences and then I'll get back here and show you a better story, if I'm able to do it better, if I'm not I'll come back with the story a bit improved and ask for your help again, because your posts were really helpful, so thanks again.

Posted by Hendrik Boom (Member # 1991) on :

I like it. It makes me want to read more. Focusing on *any* one thing is a meditation technique, so presumably she is inducing a trance. Then the yellow dot shows up. THis must be her focus, and it seems to be taking her somewhere. I'm now expecting something magic, as if she has started inducing the mental state required for a magic spell. Presumably the cupboard and the door are relevant for the spell, or for the privacy she needs to cast it. Then something starts to go wrong.

Have I misunderstood? It's what I was guessing while I read it.

It doesn't bother me that I don't have a name, or that I don't know what one thing she's focusing on.

I'd like to see more.

[This message has been edited by Hendrik Boom (edited October 11, 2006).]