I've actually already posted it in its entirety on my blog, as well as on ABCTales.com, so it's too late to protect digital rights at this point. Is it all right if I post the link to the entire story?

Anyway, here's the first 13:

Giselle cowered into the corner of the alley. Her dark brown eyes quivered with fear, as the sinister monstrosity trudged towards her. The saliva dripped slowly from his mouth, trickling onto her black hair. He stuck out his tongue, and traced it slowly across her face. She detected the faint aroma of old onions. Giselle shuddered in revulsion, and gave a small whimper. She was used to having males drool all over her, but never at such breathtaking proximity.

Jack had seemed nice enough. Dressed in expensive attire that denoted class and good taste, Giselle had been charmed by his suave looks and confident gait. As she stepped down from the stage of her latest beauty contest, she noticed him from across the room. He had a well-groomed look about him, and she had...
 

Also, what's the sinister monstrosity? Drop the cliche and tell us what's going on. I get the impression that maybe Jack is a werewolf--if so, come out and say it, because it's pretty unclear from this opening.

It's a bad idea to jump right into a flashback in the second paragraph. You've got action going on, and then suddenly, whumph, we're browsing through memories. Two possible solutions to this: proceed with only cursory information about how she met Jack (which lets us know more will come later), or start the story earlier, when she first meets him.

About the first, I'm talking _really_ cursory information. Nothing that slows the action down during these crucial opening paragraphs.

The second might actually be preferable, though you'll have to take great care to make it interesting, since it lacks the obvious punch of this opening.

[This message has been edited by AeroB1033 (edited September 30, 2006).]
 

Giselle never imagined her date Jack would turn into a drooling five-eyed monster with slimy antennas.

Jack had seemed nice enough...

--

My reaction to the piece: I can't tell if you're trying to be funny. If so, play it up some more, I think. If not, well, those lines about the aroma of old onions (: ) and being used to having males drool all over her -- too funny!
 

Perhaps some more explanation might be in order... to see if these opening lines serve their purpose.

**Spoiler**

The main characters in this story are all aadaoaagaaasa (remove all the a's). Hence his 'well-groomed' look.

The whole point is to clue the reader in on it from the start (the title!), but not tell them directly.

**Spoiler Ends**

The story starts from this point (almost the climax actually), then flashes back to how she got to this point, then cuts to the hero in the present (the one that's going to save her), then flashes back to how they met and parted, then cuts back to the present when the hero rescues her....

Is this just a bad way to structure the story? Or is there too much/too little action before the first flashback?

The flashback itself does involve some action, but it's not as intense. Perhaps the problem is that the emotional intensity of the first paragraph varies too much with the second?

Is there a better way to tell this story without using present/flashback/present/flashback?

Perhaps reading a little past the first 13 lines might clear things up. Here's the link to the whole story on my blog if anyone's interested:

http://david2885.blogspot.com/

[This message has been edited by david2885 (edited September 30, 2006).]
 

Now, regarding your plan for the story, with suitable smileys, etc.: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

From what I hear, beginning writers sometimes like tricking the reader in this way, but I don't know of any readers that like it. *I* sure don't.

Here's a discussion we had about it.

Keeping secrets from the reader http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/002021.html

 

The thing is though, they aren't actually keeping secrets, but because they are what they are, they feel no need to point that out to us. IE If I was an alien, I wouldn't point out that I was an alien, but it would show in the way I acted, choice of words, etc....

But point taken. I'll try rewriting without hiding that crucial fact and see how it turns out.

In fact, I'll try to write it all the way from the beginning instead of flashing back constantly... which would mean it would have to start when the hero first met Giselle in the streets.

Will post the 13 lines of that new version when I have it down.
 

Lynda
 

You are correct that if two characters are Chinese-Martian Olympic gymnists at the Saturn finals, they both know it and aren't going to come right out and say it to us.

However, we - the readers - are NOT Chinese-Martian Olympic gymnists at the Saturn finals (or, at least, I assume not). Since all readers are self-loving egotists, they will place themselves in the story in a location they are familiar with unless told otherwise. In this case, they will most likely not place themselves at the Saturn finals or envision themselves as Chinese-Martian Olympic gymnists. So the story had better tell us that information, or we will be royally confused very quickly.

It's a hard balance - how do you give the reader information they MUST have to understand and enjoy the story, when the characters themselves wouldn't think or say it? Welcome to the club.

[This message has been edited by sojoyful (edited October 01, 2006).]