Read on and enjoy.

The sound of wood on wood broke the silence that covered the training area. Small puffs of dust rose from where feet lightly stepped or were scraped as two men moved back and forth fluidly trading blows with practice blades. The younger of the two held the bundled wooden sword with both hands and breathed heavily as he eyed his opponent warily. His dark hair lay plastered against his neck and face as sweat trickled freely down his bare chest. Fresh welts stood out brightly across his arms and back reminding him that blows had gotten through his defence. His opponent stood opposite, training sword held in a light but casual grip. He barely breathed hard and simply waited for the younger of the two to make a move.
The younger man leaped forward swinging his sword in a long arc to
 

"His dark hair lay plastered against his neck and face as sweat trickled freely down his bare chest."
Again, a comma between "face" and "as."

"He barely breathed hard and simply waited for the younger of the two to make a move."
Umm... how do you barely breathe hard? Either you're barely breathing or you're breathing hard... aren't you?

Aside from a few technical issues, I like this so far. I'd read on.
~J

 

Welcome.

I don't know if many people will agree, but we see an awful lot of stories start with the training bout, wooden swords, dust etc. It can a real turn-off because it is done so often and they are all virtually identical. There are two types, one where the MC is almost a superhero and the other where they are completely outclassed by some uber-confident-competent opponent.

I hope you take this the right way but it may not be (probably isn't) the best place to start your story, in my opinion.

[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited September 25, 2006).]
 

It's definantly something to take into account as and when I start to edit and refine my work. It may even be that I write another opener from another angle.
 

Overall, this opener has some nice imagery. I like the bundled wooden sword, which makes me think the sword has a wooden hilt with rags wrapped around it.

I got confused when you jumped from POV of "the younger of the two" into the POV of the opponent. I recommend you pick one POV and develop it more deeply.

Because this IS a cliched sort of opener, it doesn't hook me. I'm not turned off by what I see here, but neither do I have a strong reason to continue reading more. Some originality to the way this training session is unfolding would help a great deal. Or, as you hinted, perhaps starting at a different point in the story, something with tension and interest, might work better.

[This message has been edited by Elan (edited September 25, 2006).]
 

I (very respectfully!) disagree with Elan on the issue of POV. I had no problem with the POV in the first paragraph, chalking it up to fair use of Omni, or the first-paragraph-is-free rule, or both. I was dismayed, however, when I saw that the second paragraph didn't narrow in a little more, or at least give these characters names.

As for the cliché opening...I don't generally read fantasy, so I can't comment on how common this opening is. I can, however, tell that it is somewhat of a "stock" opener just by its generic nature. As Elan suggested, you can keep this opening by giving it something that makes it stand out.

Hope this helps.
 

I want to know the significance of what's happening. If it isn't significant, I'd rather skip it.

My other suggestion is that your story is very nearly cinematic. It's no crime, but I don't think it helps here. Instead of starting with a visual and gradually focusing on MC, I'd rather you start with MC and then show us what he's seeing.
 

Here it is for examination and disection - granted this again is just draft, most likely there'll be gramatical errors that haven't been picked up yet (Have a English Master for a wife and does an initial proofread of my work).

Casamyr leaned against the cold parapet of the Inner Keep and stared out over the city. Even now, hours later, the screams still rang in his ears, the flames still flickered in front of his eyes, but it was the screams that haunted him the most. Peering down, Casamyr could see the blackened smear in the square in front of the palace, the three figures of the Hunters still standing in their positions as smoked drifted up and was pulled away by the slight breeze. Casamyr thanked the Gods that the smell didn’t reach this far.
“You’ve been up here a long time, Casamyr.” Came a voice from behind.
Casamyr looked out across the city but didn’t turn around. “These people expect us to rule with a firm but fair hand. Yet,

[This message has been edited by Surivas (edited September 27, 2006).]
 

Also, I was confused by his reaction to the voice from behind -- because you didn't tell us whose voice it was (or, if he didn't know, why he didn't turn around to find out).

Nit: unless there's a good reason, I'd spell "Gods" as "gods" -- most do, anyway.
 

Gods, fair enough, just hadn't picked that one up, but would have changed it.

As for what happened I guess the 13 lines didn't quite cover it. Casamyr's speech covered what happened - ie the burning of a so-called Witch. Unless, you mean I should tell what happened in those opening two sentences.

 

Also, tell me who the speaker is if the POV knows.

Great revision though! Much nicer, cleaner and more captivating than starting with the generic fight scene you originally had.

Keep at it.
 

Even the owner of the voice has changed to somebody else and that has, in my opinion, made it more captivating.

My biggest issue that I'm having is deciding how and where to describe these characters - the first time you see them, a little later in the piece. It's really the only thing that is slowing my writing down at the moment because I'm constantly thinking about how these people look but where to put it so that it works.

Hope it helps
 

If the physical description MATTERS to the plot, THEN you can worry about where to tuck the information in... like in the Darkover series by Marion Zimmer Bradley where red hair indicated psychic abilities. If it doesn't matter to the plot, you don't need it.

Just a thought.
 

I had the pleasure of attending a Toastmasters speech given by a fellow named Randy Harvey who won (forgive me for not looking up the exact title) best Toastmaster speech of the year (lessee, I think it was for 2004. Google the name and the word toastmasters and you can gather the specifics). Anyhow, Randy's speech the day *I* heard him was how he WROTE the award winning grand prize speech.

The specifics that will stick with me were how important it is to leave some space for the listener (in your case, the reader) to customize the imagery. Randy's speech was about his father and his years as a teenager. He talked about his favorite old car... a Volkswagon. He never said a COLOR. He didn't want to shut down the listener's involvement with the story, to push them away because they start disengaging. ("Oh, your car was yellow? That's not like mine. I had green.") We all had old cars we loved, and he wanted us to feel the love of the old car, not get tripped up on whether our imagery fit his or not. He spoke about his dad wrapping him in a hug, and feeling his dad's old flannel shirt against his skin. But he never specified the color, because while his dad may have worn a red flannel shirt, maybe your dad wore a blue one. The color is unimportant... the texture and feel of comfort of being in your father's arms is all the description that really mattered to making an emotional connection with his story.

He let us build our own mental imagery and populate it with the things near and dearest to our OWN hearts. In short, he gave the audience enough space to allow them to co-create the speech with him.

I learned a lot about describing a scene from him. No one wants to read a laundry list of attributes. Instead, they want to connect emotionally and in a tactile way with the action.

It's not that I never describe appearance at all. But I no longer feel forced to make the reader see something through my eyes. Instead I try to leave a little space for them to paint the imagery themselves.

[This message has been edited by Elan (edited September 29, 2006).]
 

I have to agree with the idea of letting people build their own mental image of a character rather than feed a description to the reader. It's somethng that I've taken on board and I doubt that huge descriptions will be needed, rather the personality and the way the characters act will hopefully shape my readers images of what they look like.

I have a set look for my characters that helps me to write form their perspective.