The real story is about how Anstor (like that name) and a team of 'experts' try to 'open' the Pod and extract information that will presumably give the U.S. an extra boost in international politics. A back story mentioned throughout, is how the U.S. is dealing with New China, and the rest of the world.

If anyone would like to read on, I can e-mail it to you.

Anstor stared, as the shimmering silver doors gently glided open to reveal an official of the army. Anstor walked forward through the doorway to shake hands and take seat, all the while admiring the rather large office with a steady gaze. The official sat behind a glass desk on which lay a computer, several different papers, and a small metalloid pyramid. The official crossed his legs, and came to look at Anstor with a look of mild contempt.

“It was against my say, but the H.E.S. chose you to lead the task of trying figure out exactly what the Pod is. We've done some preliminary work ourselves, but we haven't got very far. Based on what we DO know, though, current tests and analysis show that it is not manmade, and is constructed of materials different from those found on Earth. We need you, because the

[This message has been edited by zetars (edited September 22, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 22, 2006).]
 

There are a lot of words that could be trimmed out to tighten it. (Shimmering silver doors) If the it was the pod you were talking about then the doors could shimmer, a regular door is just a door. I would rather know specifics as to where the MC is... all I know is that he's in some "official" office and the desk has a computer, paper and pyramid on it. There must be more pertinent info then that? The dialog at the end seems like info dump.

It may be that this isn't the place to start. You're starting with a conversation. OK, but it might be more exciting to start when the Pod opens and an unspeakable evil comes out. Or whatever's going to happen.
 

"We need you," said the Army official. "We need you to figure out what the Pod is. The H.E.S can't do it. All we know is that's it's artificial, and composed of unknown materials. The Soviets and British want it, and will get it if we can't understand it first. That's where you come in."

somewhere, there's probably a video game that starts that way, and that's not a bad thing. they tend to be pretty exciting.

 

It’s not working for me. Same reasons as above mostly. Also, this – well, it kind of sounds like an adolescent fantasy as it is currently written. Here are the powerful coming to X practically begging him to save them…that sort of thing. With more text that mis-interpretation of what you are writing might get cleared up.

Anyway, “I” think you could stretch out all this information in the second paragraph. Turn it from an info dump of sorts to something more like a scene. The setting you go into in the first paragraph is not very interesting because it seems to have no underlying purpose (as we’ve been discussing in the Open Discussions About Writing section: opening with description).

You could stretch this information out kind of on the lines of this:

“H.E.S. chose you from a list I gave them,” Col. X said. He tamped some tobacco into his pipe and lit it. Comfortable now that they were alone, he leaned back in his chair and surveyed Anstor. It was late and they were in his office on the seventy-second floor of the New Pentagon. “Your name wasn’t on that list originally. Someone added it.”

“I understand,” Anstor wondered who hated him enough to have added it.

“You’ve seen the pod I take it.”

“Yesterday.”

“We’ve done some preliminary work ourselves. The usual tests. Checked with the Russians and the Chinese. They haven’t lost anything. At least, nothing they’re admitting to.” Col. X jerked forward startling Anstor. “At the moment we’re assuming it isn’t from Earth. The material of the skin isn’t metallic. It isn’t ceramic. It isn’t even elements we can identify. We need you because –“

“Because you can draft me and you can’t do that to the Swiss guy, can you?”

Okay, I got carried away. What I feel is different here is that these characters are interacting instead of being talking heads reciting information for the reader’s benefit. I have also put in some specific details in place of the rather vague ones – current tests and analyses. The same sort of information is coming out but in a more active/dramatic way. There is some subtext going on: the Col. doesn’t like Anstor and Anstor is not happy to be here. Already, if they have to work together the reader would expect tension to build between them. A struggle for control, probably, too.

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited September 22, 2006).]
 

My email is arriki@msn.com.

It's important.