Hi all. These are a rewrite of a previous post. These are the first 13 lines from a contemporary fantasy short story of about 6000 words. Adult and/or YA.
Thanks!
Guerry
--start-- Years pulled on Alex's cancer-aged body, and memories stung him far sharper than the wind-blown sand that whipped about him. Moonlight filtered down through the parched brush on the wadi's edge. Ahead, the familiar path seemed more real in his thoughts than beneath his feet: a boy and a young girl, fifty years gone, racing down the dry canal in the morning sunlight. He shook his head, agitated. I’m a child no more, he told himself. Yet, he smiled tentatively as hope wrestled to overcome the dark funk of a lifetime’s grief and guilt.
In one hand, Alex directed a flashlight. In the other, he clutched a clay medallion, its worry-worn edges both a reassurance and a burden. He wore a backpack, and though mostly empty, its weight still chafed the patchy lesions that covered his upper body. --end--
Posted by djh (Member # 3826) on :
gsemones - This is beautiful with evocative language that begs to be read. I love "memories stung him far sharper than the wind-blown sand" and "the familiar path seemed more real in his thoughts than beneath his feet." I definately want to know why the clay medallion was both a reassurance and a burden. This opening holds the promise of a skillfully-told story. Nothing to crit here IMO...if you want a reader for the rest, please count me in.
Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
It's interesting enough to keep reading. Strikes me that he is using this talisman to revisit his childhood. If its spec fic he may even think he can travel back in time to 'save' himself... lots of promises here.
The only bit that discombobulated me was the swap between the night time wadi, the daylight vision back to the night-time wadi. Could be clearer somehow.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
The first line confused me -- a lot of metaphor in line 1, before I know what's up -- but after that I understood. However, I don't know Alex's goal, what he might struggle for, and I don't understand the hook -- it has something to do with the medallion, and Alex knows, and the author won't tell me. I find it frustrating. If this were in a mag I would skip down the page to see if the author revealed this information, and if I didn't find it, I'd stop reading.
Posted by Green_Writer (Member # 3302) on :
I don't know where Alex is coming from. I know his feelings, but not their source.