Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Very first attemp. The custodian

This is topic Very first attemp. The custodian in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by poserwriter765 (Member # 3862) on :

Jump in feet first right? Been working on this this morning. Nothing serious. Just sort of playing around.

My story starts like most good, and bad stories start. With a wave and a goodbye. Sitting before me in plain white sleep-clothes is the Captain. He lies half prone, on his elbows in his open sleep chamber. .
“See you in a minute, Jane,” the Captain says with a wry smile.
“See you in 6 months, Captain,” I reply imitating his smile and adding in a casual wave.
The Captain leans back into his chamber and activates it. A canopy extends out of the side of the chamber and slides sideways over the top forming a seal. A green flashing light over the top indicates the operation of the chamber.

Posted by Rhynedahll (Member # 3856) on :

You might have an extra comma in your first sentence.

"A green flashing light over the top indicates the operation of the chamber."

This seems rather like a radio narrator's comment. Perhaps it would be better to use the light as the subject, on the order of "A light flashed green..."

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I think you could omit the first two sentences.

I can't care about the action, yet, because I don't know anything about what's happening, especially where Jane is and why she's leaving for 6 months.

Posted by poserwriter765 (Member # 3862) on :

that gets explained very soon after this. Should i start with that right out of the bag? I guess what i am really asking is, in those first three lines should more be brought explained? is it starting to slow? I think I know the answer, but would still like conformation.

[This message has been edited by poserwriter765 (edited September 13, 2006).]