Jake Kellerman had the windows down on the cruiser, clipping along at about 30 mph—a little too fast for patrol work. Who cares? It's 2:00 a. m. in the frigging morning, and he needed some coffee. Headed to Dunkin Donuts, he focused his attention on the lights reflecting from the storefront windows, occasionally glancing at the empty road ahead for traffic.
And then he saw it--shattered glass from a shop's front door lay sparkling in the streetlamps on the sidewalk, leaving a gaping black hole in its place. He slammed on the brakes and backed up thirty feet. It was pretty obvious to Kellerman that a burglary had been committed at the shop--Betty’s Flowers.
He grabbed the mike. “Dispatch, I’ve got a possible 10-91 at Betty’s Flower Shop. See if Betty can come down here, and
Edited on Sept 11 to add changes suggested by critiques.
[This message has been edited by Skarecrow (edited September 08, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Skarecrow (edited September 11, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Skarecrow (edited September 11, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Skarecrow (edited September 11, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 12, 2006).]
As a guideline, you should tell us how many words, and if you want feedback on the just first 13 or more.
I like it although I'm not yet hooked. I was just starting to get curious about it when the frustration at what you are not telling me did me in. Don't withhold what the it is. While you don't have to tell me everything about it, tell me what Jake is thinking, seeing or worrying about because of it
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quote:
Then he saw it. He slammed on the brakes and backed up thirty feet.
Oh, for the love of (insert deity or prophet of your choice here) just tell me what it is. After finishing the section, I'm still not sure if it is the hole in the window or something else. If the hole caught his attention, he's going to focus on it and not think "It was pretty obvious to Kellerman that a burglary had been committed at Betty’s Flowers"
quote:
—shattered glass from the front door sparkled in the moonlight on the sidewalk, leaving a gaping black hole in its place.
Again the description is an afterthought i.e the use of "-" instead of making it an independent sentance. If the hole is important as you seem to hint it is, don't mention it as an afterthought.
quote:
The hole is what caught Kellerman’s attention.
ACK!!!!! TELL ME ABOUT THE HOLE! Why did it catch his attention? Why does he panic at a completed burglary and want back up? What is going on? I am becomeing more frustrated than interested.
Minor issues:
The trip to Dunkin Donuts was a bit too cliche for me. There are lots of places still open at 2:00 like Taco Bell and Wendy's.
quote:
a little too fast for patrol work, but it was 2:00 frigging a. m. in the morning, and he need some coffee.
I liked what this told me about Jake but not that it was thrown in as an afterthought, again the use of the "-". The fact that Jake is an officer on patrol and driving too fast because he NEEDS coffee is what I care about.
Have you ever tried to fix your eyes on two different objects at once? It might work better (assuming he is human and can't physically watch two items at once) to say that his gaze "flicked back and forth between the street in front of him and the store front windows that made up his patrol."
I already know it's 2:00 am and thus presumably dark with street lights on. The fact that the lights were "shiny" adds nothing to the description.
quote:
He stopped the patrol car, grabbed the mike, and called it in.
Didn't he stop when he slammed on the brakes a few lines ago?
quote:
“Dispatch, I’ve got a possible 10-91 at Betty’s Flower Shop. Get Betty to come down here, and send me a backup.”
This was a nice way to convey Jake patrols a small town. Hopefully 10-91 is the police code for burglary, if not, someone who knows may get annoyed.
It's a good start. It you stop teasing about whatever IT is, you would have me hooked.
I take it to also be that this is a small enough town that he knows personally the shop owner.
In your next draft you may want to slow your description down and give us a tidbit or more about Jake.
I'd keep reading it, just to see what happens next.
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Nits not mentioned: 30mph seems slow enough for 2am patrol work. If not, I want details of what he's doing.
I didn't have a problem with "And then he saw it," because I found out in two more words what "it" was. 6 might have been too much.
quote:
t was pretty obvious to Kellerman that a burglary had been committed at the shop--Betty’s Flowers. He grabbed the mike and called it in.
“Dispatch, I’ve got a possible 10-91 at Betty’s Flower Shop. See if Betty can come down here, and send me a backup.”
I liked it. Simple. Wasn't keen on the 'frigging' followed by '2am in the morning'. That's what 2am is. It's his internal dialogue, and it would probably read better if it were more clearly designated that way. Maybe italicise his unspoken thoughts.
Like this:
quote:
Jake Kellerman had the windows down on the cruiser, clipping along at about 30 mph—a little too fast for patrol work. Who cares? It's 2:00 a. m. in the frigging morning, and I need some coffee.
or something, it sort of works better for characterisation — for me — that way. Gets us into his head a bit quicker.
The description of the shatttered glass sparkling on the pavement and the black hole window where the reflected lights of his patrol car should have been was striking. Something you've seen I guess. Strong image. I'd read on just because of it and would hope for more genuine details like that. Lends credibility to the story.
However, starting here you are flagging to the reader that something out of the ordinary is about to happen. Something dramatic.
Hope this waffling helps.
Edited to look right.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited September 11, 2006).]
I'm not hooked because I don't get much character introduction so I find it difficult to determine if this will be a story about the characters and their actions or a story simply about their actions.
Then again, it may be because I am reading certain bits as internal dialogue.
There are problems — it needs tweaking — but characterisation is not one.
The 'cliché' as it was called, works on establishing an expectation or stereotype. So we think we know Jake Kellerman, but we don't. The writer, if he's clever, can turn our assumptions on their head and give us a great insight into this bloke.
Depending on length and genre, he should probably do it soon though.
The fact that this guy knows Betty... speaks volumes, and works to establish setting. If that's what it's supposed to mean. It may imply that he probably knows the burglar too.
Of course we do need that genre and wordcount.
PS: The line could be:
quote:
He grabbed the mike. “Dispatch, I’ve got a possible 10-91 at Betty’s flower shop. See if Betty can come down here, and send me a backup.
There is very little in King's Falcon's crit that I agree with — it's a good crit just not quite on beam IMO. I'm prepared to stick up for this piece, see a lot that is good. IMO keep going the way you started, just watch redundant phrases.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited September 11, 2006).]
I LOVE the fact I know so much about Jake and his town in 13 lines. So, in case the praise wasn't clear enough - Good job. BTW - I'm a she not a he.
Do you have more of this written yet? How long is it? Are you looking for readers for more of it?
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited September 11, 2006).]
This explains all the codes for the forum.
I won't send someone's work to anyone else without their permission, but my wife is a big fan of that type of thing, and I can share it with her if you'd like. She's a non-writer, so you'll get good but non-specific feedback.