Had to write an excercise in which I made use of every sense but sight, and I was just wondering if you lovely people could give me a little crtique on it. It's not really supposed to have any greater plot or conflict, as it's just an excercise, though I think my style of writing may have turned it into something resembling a short story's retarded younger cousin. On a side note: It's not neccesary, but if you read these words in your head in Morgan Freeman's voice, you get bonus points XD
I sit here, as I do, everyday. Around me, no one speaks; they never do. Utter silence, save for the rhythmic
ka-clack, ka-clack
and the occasional creak and groan of shifting metal. As far as those around me know, anyway. I know a different side of the story; despite the silence, this is my window to the world. Beneath me, the floor rattles. It rattles mighty fast, but just small, back-and-forth shakes. Like a gang-banging earthquake’s speed-freak kid brother. They shake me from the bony, corned arches of my feet, up through my knobby old knees stiff from years of hiking across deserts and up forest hills and down city streets again. They travel up my shaky, rickety
[This message has been edited by arcanist (edited September 04, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 06, 2006).]
Woops. My apologies; I'm somewhat new here and I guess I should have read the guidelines a little better ^^; Thanks.
Posted by Iviron (Member # 3729) on :
No problem. I just wanted you to know that we weren't trying to be rude by ignoring your post.
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
You can (and should) edit this down to 13 lines. Click on the pencil icon above your post. Most of us will not comment on it until it is pared down to the proper length. Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Well, it's a writing *exercise*, so I'll comment on that basis.
You've painted a dark and somber mood, very successfully.
I don't know what's going on, and that doesn't please me.
Is there more that you would like readers for? I could read.
Posted by arcanist (Member # 3049) on :
yes, srry, it's too long (bout a page and a half) to trim down to 13 lines. If you're interested in reading the whole thing, email me at teknoarcanist@aim.com and I'll send it to ya.
Posted by sojoyful (Member # 2997) on :
Just to clarify, we don't mean you have to edit your actual piece down to 13 lines. We just mean that you should only post the first 13 lines of your piece here on the forums. You can determine what a "line" is by formatting it in MS Word, 1-inch margins, 12 point Courier font. Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
I don't know if the excercise is intended to pull ALL the senses (except sight) in, but if so, you might incorporate the smells, the feel.
The arches of one's feet are not generally where corns appear. You usually get corns in between your toes or the balls of your feet.
As an exercise, the writing is not compelling. Too much description, no plot. But I like the idea of providing description without using sight... it gets you thinking outside your little box. It's not a bad exercise to try.
