Hatrack River Writers Workshop: "Interview with a Superhuman" - Short Story

This is topic "Interview with a Superhuman" - Short Story - First 13 Lines in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=002187

Posted by Blackthorne (Member # 2688) on :

The boy sat in the far corner of his cell, seemingly staring out the window, though his face was covered in shadow.
“Daniel Jenkins?” I asked him.
“Correct,” was the simple, detached reply.
I began to walk slowly toward him, unnerved slightly by the silence. Most patients contained at this level constantly made loud noises or shook convulsively, but this boy—though I was probably only a few years older than him—was motionless.
“Why are you here, Daniel?”
He turned his face toward me, and I saw only pain in his deep set eyes, one blue and one green.
“I’m here because I did something too well.”

This short story for my fiction class is actually more of a test run for a larger story I plan on writing later. Any feedback for these first 13 is greatly appreciated.

[This message has been edited by Blackthorne (edited September 02, 2006).]

Posted by Lynda (Member # 3574) on :

OOooooo, I like it! You've introduced your characters and a nice, creepy feeling long before the boy says "I did something too well" which is a real surprise! I like it! Good luck with it!

Lynda

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Be up front about why the narrator is writing this account.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I have no suggestions: I like this as it is. Good luck with it!

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

I’m a big believer in King and Browne’s (SELF-EDITING FOR
FICTION WRITERS) “beats.” It seems to me that your beats here
are off. That is making this less riveting than it should be.

The boy sat in the far corner of his cell. [Why do we need to
know about staring out the window? I’d think sitting in the far
corner tells about as much though you could add some cell detail
in place of the neutral “his” cell. Bare cell. Dark cell.
Tiny cell. Empty cell. Dirty cell. Any of those tell more
about how he must be feeling in a more subtle way than that his
face was covered in shadow. As I understand “beats,” it is a
matter of focusing on the right details and letting extraneous
one go.

Correct,” was the simple, detached reply. [Here you don’t need
to tell the reader that the single word was a simple reply.
That’s obvious. That’s overcontrolling the reader. And the
detail that it was detached is kind of obvious, too. Those
details do not really add to the tension here, but get in its
way.

Hmmm…your detail about how most patients here… That really could
be put up in the first paragraph. It is a better detail. It
also increases the tension and in its present position it is long
and breaks up the fine work you have with the dialogue.

And repeating the here – I’m here – doesn’t sound right. Well,
not to me. After his one word reply before, why is he suddenly
so wordy now? Beginning with “because” sounds more realistic.

Here’s what I meant. Not what you want, I suspect. But how much
is left out that really needed to be right there in these lines?

The boy sat motionless in the far corner of his cell. Most
patients contained at this level constantly made loud noises or
shook convulsively. He did neither. I walked toward him,
unnerved by his silence.
“Daniel Jenkins?” I asked.
“Correct,”
“Why are you here, Daniel?”
“Because I did something too well.”
He turned his face toward me, and I saw his deep set eyes, one blue and one green.

Ummm, you know, I think you shouldn't put both the "pain" and the two colored eyes in this line. You're bringing two very different ideas to the reader that do not connect. I think the two colored eyes is more interesting. AND...if you move the 'because" line up so that there is no gap between it and the question, the moment is stronger. Then the turning the face to the pov is part of the answer and opens up the pov's analysis of the pain at more length.

Anyway, just my thoughts on the matter.

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited September 03, 2006).]

Posted by EricWiz (Member # 3801) on :

I like it!
It captured my interest right away and held on. Your beginning has a nice, dark feel to it.
Lastly, I thought the prose felt clean and professional. As a reader I didn't feel that the words got in the way of the story.
Good luck with it!
Eric

Posted by Blackthorne (Member # 2688) on :

Not that this is a terribly important note, but in the final story this event takes place in the later half of the book. The details that seem unimportant actually play a much larger role in the story (i.e. looking out the window and the color of his eyes). I regret that due to length restraints for the class I couldn't include the signifance, but I figured that if I want to use this as a springboard for my actual story I should probably include them anyway.

Otherwise, thanks for the comments. I'm glad that it hooked most of you.

Please let me know whether you would like to read more or not. As soon as my teacher gives my story back, I would be happy to email copies to any who are interested.

Arriki: I have changed a couple things based on your suggestions, but I was a little afraid of losing some of POV character's personality, which is critical to the story. Thanks for the comments, though, because it made me reread what I had carefully .

[This message has been edited by Blackthorne (edited September 03, 2006).]

Posted by Skarecrow (Member # 3798) on :

I liked the piece. Well done. However, I was wondering about the pace of the boy's responses. Since he seems to be brooding, IMO, couldn't his responses be a little slower in coming? More resistant? More pensive? Just a thought....