My dear Diane. To you I write with earnest regret, though I suspect you’ve not lamented my lack of correspondence in recent months. I’m currently stationed in Weis, a small township in northern Austria, where the view does not adhere to the country’s reputation. There is but one meadow of brown grass and an occasional dead tree, though the luxuries are a welcomed change to narrow trenches, crowded foxholes and the never ending thirty caliber orchestra.
I must insist that I am not seeking your pity in writing this, nor do I intend to convey my sufferings for your aid in bearing them. The reason for which I’ve ended our lengthy silence is to enlighten you on the events that have lead to my change, so you might permit an audience upon my imminent return.
[This message has been edited by Green_Writer (edited August 29, 2006).]
Anywho...
I assume the first phrase is meant to be set apart, as the beginning of the letter? Otherwise, it doesn't read right because it isn't a complete sentence.
quote:This is a point where I had to stop, back up and read again. I know what you're trying to convey, but as a reader I was momentarily confused because I didn't have the context your character has. What is the reputation? For all we know, in the fictional realm of your story, it could have a reputation as a rat's nest full of crime and prostitution. Also, I know you're trying to find another way of saying 'live up to', but the word 'adjere' jostled me.
where the view does not adhere to the country’s reputation
quote:The word 'luxeries' apparantly refers to the meadow and dead tree. I know that's not what you meant, but that's how the phrase structure ends up portraying it.
There is but one meadow of brown grass and an occasional dead tree, though the luxuries are a welcomed change to narrow trenches, crowded foxholes and the never ending thirty caliber orchestra.
quote:I think you meant 'led'.
the events that have lead to my change
All in all, not too bad. It doesn't particularly inspire me to read on, because it feels kind of ho-hum to me. However, that could just be personal preference, as I'm not that partial to the genre.
[This message has been edited by sojoyful (edited August 29, 2006).]
The original first sentence was a fragment, as I admit. I got the idea from More's Utopia. Anyhow, its been fixed. Thank you again. Also, I plan to elaborate a bit more on my descriptions within the first two paragraphs. What I've provided are the bare bones so they would be within Hatrack format.
The letter is meant to be an opening to the story. I don't plan to tell the story through one longggggg letter, though I considered writing it through a series of letters that way, so I could move in between the present (the time the narrator is writing) and the past (the events the narrator is writing about). However, I ultimately decided that nobody writes story's in their letters, except for Thomas More.
As for cutting out descriptions to get down to the 'bare bones' in order to stay under 13 lines, don't. Post the 'actual' first 13 lines, and let us evaluate those. That will, I think, be more helpful to you.
[This message has been edited by sojoyful (edited August 30, 2006).]