Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Basement Window rewrite 13 lines

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Posted by Charli (Member # 3699) on :

Below is a newer version of the first 13 lines of one of my ADD essays. I have tried to make some changes per responses I have received from readers.

Keep the comments coming!

Audience: Adults with ADD or ADHD (or other interested people)

While dangling from the basement drain pipe, bare feet

about 4 foot from the glass strewn floor, it occurred to me

that I really needed to try to do something about these

situations in which I constantly find myself.

No one in my family is ever surprised when I run back

into the house to look for a coat hanger to open my care

because I have locked the keys inside. Unfortunately,

sometimes there is nothing handy with which to trip the lock

and other, more desparate measures must be taken.

This was the case one spring day when I left work and

returned home for lunch. But worst of all, not only did I lock

my car keys in the car, my house key was locked in also.

Posted by Stormy (Member # 3714) on :

I see a couple of grammar/typo corrections

1) "about 4 foot from the glass strewn floor" should be '4 feet'
2) "open my care" -open my car

I like the opening few lines and the general direction of the story. The only line that really hangs me up is the last one, it just sounds a little awkward or misplaced. I know that sounds weird because it is just the statement but it deviates from your overall tone just a little too much. Other than that I liked it!

Posted by Ali (Member # 3735) on :

For "But worst of all, not only did I lock my car keys in the car, my house key was locked in also" try "But worst of all, not only did I lock my car keys in the car, my house key was there as well." Or something similar. Why is the whole piece disjointed? Like...why is your formatting spaced out into those lines?

Posted by Charli (Member # 3699) on :

I am not sure why it posted like it did. I copied and pasted it from my original word document.

Thanks for the comments.

Posted by Pyre Dynasty (Member # 1947) on :

There is some good action here. you start out telling the story but after 'unfortunatly' you just start telling us that you are going to tell us the story. Try using a simple 'it all started' after the first sentence and tell the story in order from there. (I suggest at work where you are leaving for lunch.)

and on your last sentence the 'but worst of all' doesn't seem to mesh with the sentence right before it. (it also has the 'k' sound far too much.) instead of '...lock my car keys in the car, my house key was locked in also.' try something like 'the house key is on the same ring as the car's, and both of them are locked in.' (but better)