This is the beginning of a very short story i wrote about a year ago. Whenever i come upon it i want to make something more of it. Well, now is the time. i'm hoping to see what i can change. i've never really had anyone help me out before so i don't know exactly all of the things i need to work on.
As i said, this is a very short story, if you'd like me to email it to you or send you a link to it let me know, i'd be very happy to get your input.
Untitled Short Story:
Clapping hands shower the performers standing on top of the
stage and they bowed and bowed and bowed and bowed. They wave and run
behind the curtain hanging behind them. Seconds after they
disappear behind the curtain they run out back onto the stage
and jump off into the crowd in a frenzy. Out from behind the
curtain comes running after them a little rabbit. This is the
rabbit that the magician has used ever since anyone could
remember. Everyone who had worked for this certain magician had
learned or been taught to fear this rabbit. Most didn't know
why they were supposed to fear it but the way the others told
them to never touch it or look it in the eye instilled the sort
of fear that most people will not test.
Stevilo was the sort of man to question this fear. He'd been...
[This message has been edited by flipjargendy (edited August 26, 2006).]
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I wanted to skip. I got interested when we met Stevilo. Start there?
Posted by flipjargendy (Member # 3754) on :
What was lacking to you? Please explain.
[This message has been edited by flipjargendy (edited August 26, 2006).]
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
There was no person to sympathize with until then, and there was no one struggling to accomplish anything. Looks like Stevilo will be that person.
Posted by Iviron (Member # 3729) on :
I agree with wbriggs.
Tell the story from you character's viewpoint. I don't care about the band and the rabbit is not unique enough to hook me. I want to read it all from his viewpoint.
How about the magician? They can be mysterious or strange or scary, bring him out on stage running from the rabbit or proclaiming doom or something.
Have everyone else start screaming and running off and your POV just waits and is not intimidated at all or something.
Not sure this is specific help but I would not keep reading and I don't want to meet your POV so late.
Posted by DeepDreamer (Member # 5337) on :
Ditto what Iviron said. Especially if this is a very short story (and how many words is it, by the way?) I want to know the characters before I know what's going on.
Posted by flipjargendy (Member # 3754) on :
Thank you for the input. i never thought of starting it out from someones point of view. Thank you for the info. i will apply it when i get working on a longer version. The finished short story is 787 words. i could cut a bit of it down too. i'm not sure if i'll bother with editing it yet since i plan on lengthening it.