Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Below/Sci-fi/New Beginning

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Posted by Wayne (Member # 3675) on :

I will happily accept any kind of criticism, but I am particularly interested in whether or not this shows any evidence that I am starting to understand what you've all been trying to tell me about a beginning. This is a very rough draft.

quote:
Alex stared at the computer screen. He could not believe what he saw. The Aquarius Project was being exploited by someone at the executive level for their own ends, and he suspected that only Dr. Fenton himself could have tampered with the receiving and inventory records without leaving footprints.
That suspicion was unacceptable. He had to consult with Dr. Fenton about this instead of speculating on such absurdities. He decided to discuss it with him after the staff meeting tomorrow morning.
His buzzer rang and he closed the document he had been reading and went to the door. “Hello, baby. Come on in. I’ll be ready in a sec.”

(edited to remove >13 lines)

[This message has been edited by Wayne (edited August 26, 2006).]

Posted by MollieBryn (Member # 3728) on :

I'm mildly intrigued, but I think you could combine a few of your sentences into one:

"Alex stared at the computer screen in disbelief. Someone was exploiting the Aquarius Project at the executive level, and he knew of only one person who could have done such a thing. Dr. Fenton was the only man who could have tampered with inventory and rceiving records without leaving so much as a metaphorical footprint..."

Your sentences as you have written them tell a good story, but it feels like they're very cut and separate. Simple setences sometimes disrupt the flow of reading. Maybe you could find a way to combine them in a way true to your style and telling the story the way you want it.

Other than that, I really like the way this is starting out. I can't wait to find out about the lovely Elaine Fenton (Dr. Fenton's daughter, I presume?) I love plot twists like that! Alex already seems like a good guy who doesn't want to cause a big scene by publicly calling Dr. Fenton's character into question. I like Alex already.

Posted by Lynda (Member # 3574) on :

Hmm. I'm new here, so I don't know what people have been telling you about beginnings (I've been reading old posts most of the afternoon, but there's a lot to catch up on!) What I see here is more "telling" than "showing." You're packing a lot of information in here, but to my mind, it might be better if it were dialog rather than just telling us what happened. Even internal dialog would be more active, IMO. It picks up speed when the woman comes in. My mind immediately said, "Fenton? Is she Dr. Fenton's wife or daughter? Is there an affair going on??" Inquiring minds want to know! heehee At this point, the story becomes much more interesting (to me, anyway, but I'm more into character-driven stories than hard SF, which yours may be, from this beginning).

Okay, I've re-read it (third time). I think if you make the opening paragraphs an internal monologue so the voice is more active, it will be more interesting. For instance, this part:

>>Alex stared at the computer screen. He could not believe what he saw. The Aquarius Project was being exploited by someone at the executive level for their own ends, and he suspected that only Dr. Fenton himself could have tampered with the receiving and inventory records without leaving footprints. <<

could be rewritten something like this (I'm rushing, please don't criticize my spelling, and this is really rough, too - I'm just trying to give you an example of what I mean):

_What the hell is this?_ The file on Alex's computer screen proved that someone on the executive level was exploiting the Aquarius Project. _This can't be good. What are they up to?_ He pondered the evidence before him. _This has all the earmarks of something Fenton would do. Only he could tamper with the records without leaving footprints._

* * *
Things between "_ _" are supposed to be in italics - I'm rushing here and couldn't find the thingie to make italics in my post, sorry. Anyway, this is one way to get it into more "active" voice, "showing" rather than "telling." Hope this helps!

Lynda

Posted by Wayne (Member # 3675) on :

Thanks, you two. Yes, the sentences are simple. They are intentionally so as part of an exercise to use few adjectives and adverbs and use verbs that can stand on their own. I plan to go back and add modifiers that I think are necessary later. I will also allow myself more complex sentences. I just read the first few chapters of The First Five Pages and I guess I got carried away with it.

I agree about the internal dialogue. I think it would make things move better and read better. I started to write it that way, but I didn't want to start with italics. I think I'll use quotation marks instead.

If I've even mildly interested someone with my first 13, then I have improved! That was the question I wanted answered the most.

I think I'm on the right track here, and I hope to have better flow and more complete sentences in my first revision.

I'm eager to get to know Elaine, too.

BTW, Lynda, you do italics by [ i ]stuff to be italicized[ / i ], but leave off the spaces. Replace the i with a b for bold.

(edited in order to follow my usual pattern)

[This message has been edited by Wayne (edited August 25, 2006).]

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Yeah, you're moving too fast.

"Alex stared at the computer screen. He could not believe what he saw." Okay, hold up a moment. What does he see? Is it a message from his internal auditing team telling him that there's a serious discrepancy? Is it a chart he's created detailing all approved expenditures and current reserves against known funding? Is it a log showing unauthorized transfers to untracable accounts?

"The Aquarius Project was being exploited by someone at the executive level for their own ends, and he suspected that only Dr. Fenton himself could have tampered with the receiving and inventory records without leaving footprints." Whoa. First off, this makes no sense. If whoever did this left no footprints, then how does he know it was done? Second, it seems he's real quick to suspect the guy if he really trusts him that much. Why doesn't he suspect himself too?

"That suspicion was unacceptable. He had to consult with Dr. Fenton about this instead of speculating on such absurdities. He decided to discuss it with him after the staff meeting tomorrow morning." Okay, asking Fenton if he has any idea what's going on makes sense, but waiting till after the staff meeting tomorrow doesn't make sense. It seems like a pretty serious problem, one that should be cleared up as soon as possible.

Then you have a complete change of subject and totally drop the issue you saw fit to put at the opening of the story. I suppose that Elaine isn't Dr. Fenton, but the only way I know that is because of a pronoun reference to Dr. Fenton as a "him". For a moment, though, I had the rather odd impression that she was Fenton (well, technically she is) and Alex was being rather neurotic about separating his business and personal affairs.

Slow down. Give us a chance to get into Alex's head.

Posted by Wayne (Member # 3675) on :

quote:
Alex stared at the two reports on the computer screen. He couldn’t believe what he saw; the deleted receiving report he had recovered did not agree with the current version. “A mistake?” he wondered. “Unlikely. And if it’s not a mistake, then someone at a very high level is exploiting the project.” For a moment he suspected Dr. Fenton himself but dismissed the idea as ludicrous. No one was more dedicated to the Aquarius Project than its founder.
He knew he had to consult with Dr. Fenton about the discrepancy instead of speculating on such absurdities. “I’ll tell him at dinner tonight,” he thought, “if I can get him alone.”
When his buzzer rang, he closed the documents and went to the

What do you think of the contraciton in the narration (couldn't), and the use of a semicolon instead of a period?

(Edited to remove >13 lines)

[This message has been edited by Wayne (edited August 26, 2006).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I think both are fine. A colon would be a little more spot-on there than a semicolon, I'd say.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

I'd remove the quotation marks around Alex's thoughts. Unless he's talking out loud, which kind seems goofy. I'd also go ahead and can his suspicion of Fenton. Let us finger Fenton as a possible culprit before Alex does, that shows us how much Alex implicitly trusts the guy. Introduce Fenton by saying "Alex had to tell Dr. Fenton as soon as possible, even though he knew the thought of someone with this kind of access betraying the Aquarius Project would shock its founder." Or, you know, words to that effect.

Posted by Wayne (Member # 3675) on :

Thanks, folks.