Hatrack River Writers Workshop: 13 Lines of : "Commander Kine"

This is topic 13 Lines of : "Commander Kine" in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Becktemba (Member # 3747) on :

Peace and Greeting to All.

I'd like to thank you for clicking on this post. I've been slowly writing this story for awhile. For me writing is like reading a book from my own mind.

Here are my 13 lines, I pray that you do tell me what you think:

_____________________

"Commander Kine"

Like lightening, seemingly out of nowhere, an energy beam streaks

through the blackness of space destroying a defenseless Drabbuian

asteroid survey ship. With this surprise attack, the planet

Nian’s ruthless and arrogant son, T’Kello Ncurrin, would begin a

campaign to end the banishment of his people from the planet of

Drabbu shattering two thousand years of peace between them.

The Drabbuian’s distrust of the Nian began long before they were

exiled from Drabbu to a scarcely inhabitable planet in a

neighboring solar system. The Nian, once a sovereign people of a

province on Drabbu, lived in constant conflict with their

neighbors, the Cerri, Ytep, and Kell. Believing that the humanity

on the Planet of Drabbu was not indigenous, Nian scientist were

fixated on solving the mystery of their origin...

[This message has been edited by Becktemba (edited August 24, 2006).]

Posted by Becktemba (Member # 3747) on :

see edit above

[This message has been edited by Becktemba (edited August 24, 2006).]

Posted by Ray (Member # 2415) on :

Infodump. Also, you don't seem to have a set tense. First, it's in present, then you move into past. How are you telling this story?

Posted by Becktemba (Member # 3747) on :

I've been having a debate in my mind on how to begin the story.

Here is another way I could begin the story, please let me know which you prefer and why - or suggest something different.

______________

"Commander Kine"

Kine Ycer, young and passionate, was in love with Yeli Ytan, the

obsession of his life. Although they had been together for just a

few months, he knew one-day she he would ask her to be his

Pairing Mate, she was all he thought about until the day that he

received word his older brother Meln had died. Meln's death was

unexpected; he was aboard the defenseless asteroid survey ship

that was destroyed during the Nian attack a few days earlier. The

only way Kine knew to cope with his anger was to hop on his

Air-Trans and go sign up for the Planetary Defense Unit. When he

returned home and told his parents, they were dismayed at the

thought of losing another son to war.

_________

~Becks

[This message has been edited by Becktemba (edited August 24, 2006).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I'm not hooked. Maybe it's because we're going topic to topic too quickly. What's the thing that made you want to tell this story?

It might also be that I can't identify Kine's struggle. What's he trying to accomplish in this story? That might be a good place to start.

Posted by Woodie (Member # 3346) on :

Can I write 'show don't tell' without sounding like a cliche robot? Neither of the two starts was bad as far as story line goes, but they both had the same problem in my opinion. They read like a synopsis, not the first page of a novel. Don't worry about telling so much in the first thirteen lines. A good hook can be about one thing--like wbriggs said, what's the main reason you want to tell this story? What is important and interesting to you, because that's what's going to hook your readers.

Posted by Becktemba (Member # 3747) on :

FYI This is a short story.

Good feedback so far thanks!

Posted by Becktemba (Member # 3747) on :

Ok here is a third way I could start the story. Please tell me which one you think captivates you to read the story sooner?

___________

"Commander Kine"

True peace will come to those who fight evil…
~The Book of Ambu

"Kine why are you in such a hurry to go to a war?" "Mother,

it's the right thing to do. Meln, didn't deserve to die the way

he did, the Nian will not stop until they have control of

Drabbu. If we don't stop those killers now, their next attack

will be here on Drabbu, threatening all of our lives. I can't

wait here until it's too late to do something about it", he says

while clinching his fist. "The Nian may be our distant cousins

from long ago, but they've never lived a life to please God.

They live only to please themselves, and pay no attention to how

it affects others or the future, their lust to return to Drabbu

will not be quenched through negotiations."

____________

Posted by Ray (Member # 2415) on :

You're trying too hard to tell the whole story in the first thirteen lines. I don't want to know everything at the beginning. I just want a reason to care.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

You need paragraphs, and there are punctuation problems. See Strunk & White (now online) or another reference.

Waht's the exciting thing in your story that makes you want to tell it? STart there, maybe.

Posted by MollieBryn (Member # 3728) on :

I agree. The puncuation problems are distracting, and there isn't enough division to make the story comprehensible. If I were you, I would work from your second version of the story; I think that it has the best chance of being read-worthy.

I like stories about aliens and all that, but this is telling too much about these people when we haven't even formed an emotional attachment to your MC. Try focusing on Kine and then introduce us to the rest of your world. I would want to know more about your MC before I decided to read further.

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

"Kine why are you in such a hurry to go to a war?"

I guess there are some moms who might put it this way, but it seems awkward.

What made her say such a thing? The fact he has his kit bag packed and is lacing up his combat boots? Or is he sitting there sipping a last cup of coffee as the taxi he ordered pulls up? Is Meln’s death the big factor or is it defending their way of life on Drabbu? You don’t need both reasons here in the opening. Pick one and develop that.

The clenching his fist seems too melodramatic at this point. Well, it does to me. Can’t you use other, subtler ways to show his feelings? For example --

It was his last day at home. He had spent it finishing a model
of the new Class F Starcruisers. He cleaned off his desk. He
avoided his mother until just before he was to leave.

“You don’t have to be the first to volunteer,” she said.

“You like this house? This planet? Going to the grocery store
without a bodyguard?” Kine sipped a last cup of coffee as he
waited for the taxi he had called, to arrive. “You think it’ll
all stay this way if the Nian come here?”

My example gets some subtlty but it still doesn't have the energy/interest that an opening needs. Yours loses because it not only lacks subtlty, but it also sounds high-strung all the way through.

Don't fret too much about the first page until the whole story is written. The first page is often the last page perfected.

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited August 25, 2006).]

Posted by Becktemba (Member # 3747) on :

Arriki,

Thanks for the feedback your comments are the most helpful so far!

Posted by Green_Writer (Member # 3302) on :

The tough thing about sci fi is getting people to care about the story. I often wonder what kept people from walking out of Star Wars within the first twenty minutes. Maybe the previews were enough to keep people seated until the death star fight scene.

Anyway, back to the point, I know many people who detest sci fi and fantasy because they are afraid of getting lost in someone's mind trip. The only way a writer can get around that in beginning a story is to provide clear evidence that there is substance to the story that the reader's reality has in common. That's the best I can articulate that right now.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

You never saw Star Wars in the theater, did you?

If somebody doesn't like SF, there is no point worrying about how to get them to read your SF story. Only SF fans have anything valid to tell you about how to write a good SF story, just as only those who enjoy opera can tell you anything about how to write a good opera.

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

Nothing beats seeing Star Wars in the theatre when it first opened. Seeing it on tape/DVD or the remade versions just don't give you the same feel. Much like watching Rocky Horror Picture Show without an audience that knows the rest of the lines.

Anyway . . .

You need to think about where to start the story and who is your POV.

Try starting the story with Kline: What is doing? His reasons and the history lesson will come out through the story. In the third fragment you are probably starting in the wrong spot (hard to tell if it is too early or too late) because there is no conflict. It's just an info dump disguised as dialog. Also, I suspect this discussion would have occurred several times before his last day at home.

You need to establish a POV, which you came closer to in the third version.

In the second version Kline is upset and angry. SHOW ME what happened/how Meln died (or if he wasn't there how he learned about it) and how he reacts. That is probably better a better launch point than the static dialog.

While I'm more than happy to suspend disbelief and jump into a Sci Fi/Fantasy world, I need to know what is happening and have someone to care about (or hate).

Posted by Charli (Member # 3699) on :

As a mother, I can say I would act much more passionately if my second son was going to war right after my first son was killed. I think you need to put more emotion in the mother character, maybe begging even!! not just asking a simple question.

I do prefer to third one more. It seems more "humanistic" though that may not be what you are trying to achieve.