I suspect this short novel will be for more of a juvenile audience despite some of the non-graphic backstory that parents might object to. I'm on chapter five of the second draft at a little over 5k words, though I do have an overconcise roughdraft finished. I think I started it two and a half years ago.
I'm using it to take some of the overcommon elements in pulp fantasy and twisting them on their head. My choice of first person, present tense was chosen both because it's not very common and because it's probably the best result for the story I've ended up with.
I'd appreciate it if readers would:
a. let me know it makes them interested in reading more
b. tell me any impressions they get from the first page, like what they feel about the characters/situation.
c. tell me anything they don't like about it, especially if you didn't want to finish reading it (in which case, feel free to not do so and to comment on that).
d. make any other comment that comes to mind.
Thank you very much for your time.
-Misti
Revision
quote:
Searing cold drives through my tattered clothes. I hurt too much to sleep, though I fear for my feet. I stopped feeling them awhile back, and they have sunk into the mud. If not for the danger, I could easily like the dulled sense. For once I don't feel veiled in grit.Hunger shreds my insides. The pain rivals that of the cold.
Dogs' hunting yowls come closer. I almost hope they find me, though only almost. Hopes easily die; easily warp into torture.
I huddle more tightly against the formerly rough tree trunk. To be warm! I shut my eyes.
Soon the howling deafens me. I don't like dogs.
"Boys! Fall off!" comes a lad's clear voice. "That's a girl, not a deer!"
Original
quote:
Searing cold drives through my tattered clothes. I hurt too much to sleep, though I fear for my feet. I stopped feeling them awhile back, and they have sunk into the mud.Hunger shreds my insides like wolves. The pain rivals that of the cold.
Dogs' yowls come closer. I huddle even tighter against the rough tree trunk, wishing for the warmth my support does not give me. I shut my eyes.
Soon the howling deafens me. I feel their wet noses against my sensitive skin; the wafts of air as they leap and hop around and over me.
"Boys! Fall off!" comes the surprised but clear voice of a lad. "That's a girl, not a deer!"
[This message has been edited by Carradee (edited August 28, 2006).]
For having "sensitive skin", your character appears to be reacting very numbly to a pack of dogs jumping, barking at her, whoofling her with their noses: she notices what they are doing, but tells of it so emotionlessly. (Is that even a word?) There's no telling whether she is afraid of them or just too cold to care.
But then the surprising bit of dialogue at the end made me sit straight up in my seat. I'd leave off describing the voice as surprised, though. A person can be surprised; a voice cannot be.
Just my humble opinion. Hope it's helpful to you.
I've nothing against FPP but you need to be aware that a lot of people (in particular editors) don't like it, and also that it's very limiting - FPP limits you to a plot that the MC experiences directly (or else you risk having lots of expository dialogue to fill the MC in on important things happening elsewhere), while present tense pretty much limits you to a very linear narrative - no flashbacks, no big jumps in time from one section to another.
And I don't see how FPP helps to twist "overcommon elements" of fantasy (what are these? Elves, dwarves, orcs? Orphans who turn out to be the rightful heir to a throne?) on their head.
I'm still trying to wrap my mind around this 13-line hook thing, but yes, I would read on. There may be other opinions about whether or not an editor would.
As for me, not knowing how she got in this perdicament is precisely why I would read on. I want to know how she came to be in the state she's in.
I agree that she needs to express her fear more - unless she's been through so much she no longer cares. I also agree that the boy doesn't need to be surprised.
As for what I feel about the situation... Well, for some reason, the first time I read this, I saw "wolves" instead of dogs. Probably because the arctic-sounding scene you painted recalled the setting of The Call of the Wild or "Sergeant Preston."
Please take my praise and criticism with a grain of salt. I have yet to post 13 lines that anybody liked.
(Edited to fix a mistake - duh)
[This message has been edited by Wayne (edited August 24, 2006).]
In the second paragraph you used 'wolves' to describe her hunger--I don't like that because then you have dogs yowling and I got confused. I felt like her lack of emotion was tied to the fact that she was freezing to death and was in a state of semi-consciousness, but in that case her skin wouldn't feel sensitive it would be almost numb. The last sentence is the hook, and the reason I'd want to read more--which makes me conflicted... do I really want to read more if it means dealing with the present tense thing?
In regards to the 13 lines, I agree with most of what has been said, but I do like first person present tense. Call me strange.
The trouble here is that I don't believe this narrator. The narrator spends a lot of time giving a shot-by-shot view of events, and no time thinking about it. That, and my not knowing what's going on, is keeping me from enjoying the story.
Very helpful.I'm currently chewing on the input. So I've overdone her distance... Or at least have contradictory details that make it impossible to determine why she's distant.
And that's a very helpful note about she'd be numb if she were freezing to death. [smacks self] Wow, I can be stupid. Then the "wolves" vs. "dogs," & the setting...
I'll work on tweaking my beginning. (And, therein, learning what I need to notice for the rest of the work, of course.)
And thank you very much, for all the input on POV, etc. The "zeroeth" concept is interesting; I think I'll have to sleep on that one.
-Misti
[EDIT]
Okay, so I've revised it a bit. At a glance, I think I need some more work with the adjectives to prevent boredom...
-Misti
[This message has been edited by Carradee (edited August 28, 2006).]
This sentence is awkward:
quote:
If not for the danger, I could easily like the dulled sense.
It doesn't seem to flow like natural language. Plus, this is the third two-part sentence in a row. (Blah blah blah, blah blah. Blah blah, blah blah blah. Etc.)
Maybe take away the whole "If not for the danger" phrase, because I don't feel like it adds anything. It hints. Promises but doesn't deliver. (Anyone else want to comment on that?)
Small little nit, probably not worth much but still I offer it up as a part of my two cents: I think the "I don't like dogs" line feels out of place. I like the distant feel of it, but it feels jerky. Out of rythm. Perhaps use "I've never liked dogs" instead. Another tiny suggestion: In the "I could easily like the dulled sense" seems out of sync to me. It seems more like it should be "I could come to like the dulled sense " or "I could grow fond of" Maybe that's personal preference, but it reads better to me.
I like the revisions. You've got a good, sound anchor in character this time. And I still love that last line, which makes me want to read more.