Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Belos/Sci-Fi First Revision

This is topic Belos/Sci-Fi First Revision in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=002162

Posted by Wayne (Member # 3675) on :

Here's a beginning at a more appropriate place in my story, the beginning. I plan on this being a sci-fi novella. Thanks for your help.

quote:
Alex waited anxiously in Senator Robert Lopez’ anteroom. He hated being the one to bring this dismal report to the chairman of the Oversight Committee for Climactic Research. Since he had to be here, though, he wanted to get it over with.
Finally he heard the pretty secretary say, “Mr. Gray, the Senator will see you now.” She opened the door and stood waiting until he was greeted by the extended hand of the Senator. “Good morning, Mr. Gray,” he said, “ It’s good to see you. Please have a seat.”
“Thank you sir,” Before sitting, Alex opened the wallet-sized presentation unit he had brought with him and placed it on a table in front of the Senator’s desk.
“If you don’t mind, Mr. Gray, I’d like to get right into this."

[This message has been edited by Second Assistant (edited August 22, 2006).]

Posted by Aemon on :

Wayne,

I'm not sure where this is going yet, but there are a couple of things I'd suggest. Perhaps show what he is feeling in the first couple of lines. "He hated being the one to bring this dismal report to the chairman of the Oversight Committee for Climactic Research. Since he had to be here, though, he wanted to get it over with." There is a lot of telling what his feelings are. Also, the adjective "pretty" for secretary, threw me off for some reason. It didn't seem to fit. I'd say either say more about the secretary, or nothing. I'm a sucker for sci-fi, and I do want to see where the rest of this is going. You can send it along to the address in my profile.

Posted by Wayne (Member # 3675) on :

Thanks, Aemon. I've only got about 1200 words so far - most of them written today. When I get a couple of chapters, I send them to you. Thanks again.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

One problem is where to market a novella! When you find a good market, tell us!

Beyond that: the first paragraph is interesting, but the rest of it, I find dull. Easy solution: summarize the logistics of going in and saying hi, or skip.

The paragraph will pack more punch if we know why the report is dismal and distresses Alex.

We can also crank up the tension if Alex is nervous about meeting a Senator, *or* if the Senator is cranky or otherwise interesting.

Minor issue: who's Alex? "Alex, Senator Lopez's intern..."

Posted by Johnny434 (Member # 3726) on :

Wayne,
If this is the opening of the first chapter, I feel you could make it more attention grabbing. It reads like it has been taken from another part of your story and needs some editing to make it suitable as an opening.
I didn't like the use of the word "pretty" when speaking of the secretary. If you really want to use that, I feel you should at least describe her.
Bear in mind that I am by no means an expert so take this as just an opinion.
Johnny

Posted by Wayne (Member # 3675) on :

Thanks, all. I see what you mean.

wbriggs, there is a publisher I have in mind who only wants novellas. It's One-Flight Fiction. Their goal is a line of books that can be read in one airline flight.

As I said I plan on this being a novella. At this stage I'm not sure what length it will be when I finished.

Posted by Nicole (Member # 3549) on :

Hi Wayne!

Me agrees with wbriggs about skipping the hi-good morning dialogue, it adds nothing to the scene.

I feel this is a much better place to start your story/novella. I'm not feeling especially hooked, though.

If you want you can send the story my way when you are finished. I'm slow though, it takes me a couple of weeks to do a critique.

Nicole

[This message has been edited by Nicole (edited August 22, 2006).]

Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :

I really can't add anything to what has already been said -- that this is a fairly mundane opening -- except that I believe you are intending it to be the Oversight Committee for ClimaticResearch not Climactic (unless this is some type of orgasmic study)

Posted by Wayne (Member # 3675) on :

Thanks everybody.

Omakase, that's a spelling mistake, but I think you may have given me an idea for another story...

Posted by Wayne (Member # 3675) on :

Please tell me what you think of this reworked approach.

quote:
Alex waited anxiously in Senator Robert Lopez’s anteroom. He hated being the one to bring this dismal report to the chairman of the Oversight Committee for Climatic Research. Since he had to be here, though, he wanted to get it over with.
The people of the world were in a desperate fight for survival. The bickering and fighting of the first half of the century had given way to panic when the climatic change that had been a subject of concern for the last sixty years suddenly and unexpectedly began to accelerate drastically. A few months of finger pointing and explanations had quickly given way to a serious, almost unanimous, worldwide effort to deal with the growing disaster, leading to the Global Climate and Population Pact of 2076.

[This message has been edited by Second Assistant (edited August 22, 2006).]

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Infodump.

Instead of doing this, why not let Alex wait anxiously for a few minutes in the anteroom? Keep us there with him, as he thinks over the weight of the meeting he's about to enter, and his own role in the affair.

Posted by Wayne (Member # 3675) on :

Thanks, Survivor. I think I need to do more work before I post another fragment or revision. I think I may be trying to get you guys to write my beginning for me. I have gleaned an awful lot from my posts and others. It's time for me to sit down and take some time to formulate a beginning to this story. I think it will be a good one if I can just get it started rolling.

Posted by Mitch (Member # 3681) on :

Just a suggestion Wayne: Reverse the paragraphs in your latest rework. Then read it out loud to yourself.

The "free paragraphs" discussed in your other thread will be aptly applied here with the ominiscient viewpoint first. If you spend one quick paragraph in Alex's head, and then go to omniscient, as you just have:

1. It's annoying as a reader to change viewpoints so quick.
2. It's an info dump, and only because it's dumped inside the story itself.
3. It says to me that Alex isn't important enough for the narrator to stay in his head for even two paragraphs before the suddenly more important background information.

[This message has been edited by Mitch (edited August 24, 2006).]