Hatrack River Writers Workshop: "Going Down?" Realistic Short Story

This is topic "Going Down?" Realistic Short Story in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Stormy (Member # 3714) on :

If anyone is interested in the rest let me know, otherwise the any imput is much appreciated. Thanks!

“Good morning” never seemed like a pick-up line to me until I met Natalie. It was over two months ago, on the first Monday in March, that she gave new meaning to that simple greeting and caused me to begin to seriously consider the erotic capacities of the elevator in our building.
That morning I jabbed at the up arrow on the wall until it decided to light and opened my newspaper to wait for my ride down to the lobby. I never actually read much of the newspaper but it always seemed like the right way to start a morning. Every day I forget how much I hate journalists until I scan the front page. Mostly I just end up in the comics anyways.

Posted by cll (Member # 3673) on :

It's good. I liked it but I'm not entirely sure that I'm hooked. My only point to mention is that if the MC is pushing the up button, how can he be going down to the lobby?

Does this story have genre and what is the word count?

Thanx,
cll

Posted by Corin224 (Member # 2513) on :

ROFL!

I love it.

If you need a reader, count me in.

-Falken224 (posing as Corin)

Posted by Wayne (Member # 3675) on :

I would omit "on the first Monday in March". If the date is important, you could stress it later.

I agree with cll about the up arrow. Even if he's in the basement, I'd move him because of the double entendre in the title.

I would omit "until it decided to light"

"Every day I forget how much I hate journalists until I scan the front page." I like what you're saying here, but I don't like the way you're saying it, and I don't have a good fix. Maybe something like, "Every time I read the front page I'm reminded how much I hate reporters."

I would use reporters instead of journalists, since you hate them. For instance, if you hated politicians, you wouldn't say you hated statesmen.

I assume this is erotic fiction, and if I'm right, that's a good title. I would be surprised if it hasn't already been used, though.

Posted by Stormy (Member # 3714) on :

Thanks guys! All of you had helpful comments, I didn't even notice the 'up arrow' thing.

its 1,046 words (roughly 4 dbl spc pages) and its not erotic fiction so much as humorous fiction i guess. I'm not all that great at putting genres in specific terms but thats what i would call it.

Corin, is there a place I can send the full version (with the rewrites from cll and Wayne) for you to read? I would love to hear feedback on the whole thing.

Thank you all again so much!

Posted by Aemon on :

Stormy,

Feel free to send it along to me. jason.r.cody@us.army.mil. I have some of the same reservations that Wayne has, but I am interested in the story and I'll take a look at it. There are a number of good ideas in the opening, but it seems to get a little tongue-tied towards the end. And there are a couple of other phrases that can probably be shortened or dropped to make it flow a little better.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

How many words?

I like the voice. I also agree that I don't care the precise date of the event, at this point.

“Good morning” never seemed like a pick-up line to me until I met Natalie. THAT DAY IN THE ELEVATOR...

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

It's a little scattered.

Posted by Skarecrow (Member # 3798) on :

i like it just the way it is....your specific reference of the date means (to me) that it was very memorable to the MC, and ought to be in there just the way it is...it also reads nice and easy....keep it in....

Posted by EricWiz (Member # 3801) on :

I like the way it rolls. Seems to me like a great way to start a horror story.

I like the voice too. It 'sounds' like you are telling a story.

The up arrow is weird but you've heard that already.

About the first Monday in March: I agree with Skarecrow. It sounds like an important date to MC.

Posted by Green_Writer (Member # 3302) on :

Interesting. Slightly reminds me of Bright Lights, Big City.

[This message has been edited by Green_Writer (edited September 04, 2006).]

Posted by Ted.O (Member # 3708) on :

Stormy,

I think you hook the reader right off, becauses, like your narrator, few of us have ever considered "Good morning," a pick up line. So I like the beginning. But perhaps you need to let the reader know pretty quickly if your narrator/character is male or female. Perhaps, for literary reasons, you're holding off on that.

I also liked the phrase "the erotic capabilities of our elevator," or something to that effect. What, are you concerned that whatever follows might snap the elevator cables?

Please permit a little mechanical suggestion. (Perhaps I'm overstepping my bounds, here) Instead of "to begin to consider..." why not try "begin considering the erotic capabilities..." I think it flows just a little smoother.

Good luck.