Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Stranded/general 13 lines only

This is topic Stranded/general 13 lines only in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=002159

Posted by the end of the universe (Member # 3716) on :

Hi! Would any of you fine people be able to read over just... just the first 13 lines of my ummm... beginning of a novel? I would appreciate it greatly!

"Is anyone out there?" her voice seemed to drift monotonously over the surrounding sea. She waited a moment, head tilted to the side, hearing only the lapping of waves against her driftwood of a boat. "No of course not..." she sighed letting her fingertips once again slip into the semi warm water that seemed to surround her for miles. How many hours had it been, she wondered, a day? It couldn’t have been more than that; the sun had set only a few hours before.

The last thing she could remember were her fingers gliding over the harpsichord, a mile above the earth, people dancing all around her, congratulating her on her fine achievements. She was the first woman in a century to captain her own airship, the beautiful, controversial Cenrise.

Posted by MommaMuse (Member # 3622) on :

Perhaps it's just a product of my ADD, but 13 lines isn't nearly enough for me. I WANT MORE! MWA HAHAHAHAAA

Ahem...

I'd like to know more!

Posted by the end of the universe (Member # 3716) on :

*bump*
no comments ;_;

Posted by saintjames (Member # 3713) on :

I have two "personal opinion" edits. First off, I wouldn't use the word monotone. It makes me think that the speaker has a lack of emotion, instead of something expected e.g. desperation. My next edit would be to the second paragraph:

quote:
The last thing she could remember were her fingers gliding over the harpsichord, a mile above the earth, people dancing all around her, congratulating her on her fine achievements. She was the first woman in a century to captain her own airship, the beautiful, controversial Cenrise.

I became a little confused about the first sentence, because I did not know she was talking about flying an airship. I thought I'd have to consult a dictionary when I saw "harpsichord." But this could be remedied by mentioning the airship first and then her experiences with it, just so the subject of discussion is clear.

~Saint

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

My thoughts:

*Give us a name. Why not?
*To whom does her voice seem to drift?
* I don't follow what's happening in paragraph 1. Why is she calling out? Couldn't she see anybody who might be there?
* The last thing she remember *should* be being on that boat. Maybe this is the last thing she remembers BEFORE being on the boat.
* Give us the significance of what's happening. I don't know how she feels about the problem. Sad? Angry? Scared? Is she afraid she's going to die? Or will a satellite detect her really soon now?

Posted by Stormy (Member # 3714) on :

One rule of thumb, avoid the word 'seem' unless you are implying that the appearance is different from the reality. For one, it is often superfluous ie ""Is anyone out there?" her voice seemed to drift..." It's ok for her voice to simply drift.

Another thing to avoid is filtering. Mostly I understand this in concept rather than practice so if it doesn't make sense please ignore my babble. It is when you describe the actions of a character instead of presenting them through the eyes of the character. It's difficult to spot but is often signaled with "s/he did..." starting too many sentances in a row.

"She waited a moment, head tilted to the side, hearing only the lapping of waves against her driftwood boat."

"A moment passed but only the lapping of waves against her driftwood of a boat greeted her straining ears"

These are more technique and fine tuning things though. I think what you have submitted is really interesting and I'm hooked.

[This message has been edited by Stormy (edited August 22, 2006).]

Posted by cll (Member # 3673) on :

You definately hooked me. I want to know what is going on. Like momma muse I want more. Maybe that stilted my critique but I didn't see any major problems.

cll

Posted by cll (Member # 3673) on :

Okay,
I reread it and read the other reviews. I came up with: cut the modifier monotonously. You don't need it. I think you need a comma after she sighed. I think St. James comments and stormies were right on and wbriggs need for a name and remembering before the boat comments were also good. Really, just little tweaks.

cll

Posted by Wayne (Member # 3675) on :

The first thing I want to do is thank you for posting the fragment. When I read it, I thought that no one would find anything wrong with it. Then I read the replies - particularly Stormy's - and I learned some STUFF!

I also agree about dropping monotonously.

Having said that, I want to add that I think you've got a really good beginning here. If the rest is anything like it, you've got a winner.