[This message has been edited by Dkoblank (edited July 28, 2009).]
Posted by Wayne (Member # 3675) on :
I have a couple of quibbles: "The numbness a small relief..." I know that you mean the numbness from the cold, but on my first reading, it left me wondering if the blanket made him numb. I think I would try to work the cause of the numbness into that sentence.
I'm confused about the source of the faint blue light and why it makes him realize his brother's fire was out. Maybe it's the moonlight which wouldn't be visible if the fire were burning? You might make that more clear.
"Ethan's fire lie nearly out." I think "Ethan's fire WAS nearly out" sounds better.
"His brother had clapped upon building it" I don't know what that means. Did he applaud because he was happy with his fire? Is he a kid?
"He thought briefly on raising..." I think "He thought briefly OF raising..." sounds better.
I like the idea of "a period piece with a supernatural flavor." Sounds like a fun book to read.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I don't understand what's happening.
Posted by cll (Member # 3673) on :
I like the concept but I have to agree with everything Wayne told you. Those are the same things I stumbled over.
CLL
Posted by Ray (Member # 2415) on :
I'm wondering why he'd rather be numb than put up with scratchy wool. Scratchy wool is an inconvenience, numb means that you're succumbing to the cold.
And that's all that's really happened in these first thirteen lines. He's cold. I don't know what the hook is supposed to be here.