Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Untitled

This is topic Untitled in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Rosalie005 (Member # 3676) on :

Sorry, I don't have a title for this book yet, I just started writing it. It is simply a fiction story, no particular genre. Please tell me what you think.

“Is this all you have?” The tall lady in an old faded navy blue business suit asked me looking down at the small plastic bag I carried, clutched tightly between my little fingers.

Numbly I nodded my head, my unwashed brown hair falling to cover my face as a protective curtain. I was afraid of what she might o if I answered. I had first glimpsed her about two hours ago when the man in the sweat stained tank top had unlocked the door and ushered her in. She had wrinkled her nose and clicked her tongue moving from one side of the studio to the next.

I had sat huddled as far back in the corner as possible. Stacks of old newspapers and trash concealing my bone-thin frame and watched with wide fearful eyes as she saw my mom and sighed. I must have moved or cried because in the next instant she was upon me,

[This message has been edited by Second Assistant (edited August 17, 2006).]

Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :

I am not sure about whether this is the right point of view for the story you wish to tell. The details you want to describe, the dirty hair, the bone-thin frame, the little fingers, seem all 3rd person observations, to me.

Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :

I agree with hoptoad - you're mixing your POV here.

Also you need to trim out a few of the adjectives - for instance old faded navy blue business suit has a few too many.

This needs some proofreading. There is a non-sentence here and some mispellings/typos.

Posted by authorsjourney (Member # 3569) on :

In the opening, I think it's always best to avoid descriptions of how the characters look or what they're wearing. You do a pretty good job of sneaking them in (aside from the blatent "The tall lady in an old faded navy blue business suit"), but they don't tell us anything about what's going on.

I think it would be better to sneak in bits that show the manerisms, thought processes, or motivations of the characters. This will make the reader feel in touch with the characters much more effectively than physical attributes. Then, even if you never describe what they look like throughout the story, the reader will still form a mental picture of them. I've read many excellent stories that never describe the phsical appearance of important characters.

Don't get me wrong, this opening scene is interesting and I would keep reading, but it still has room for improvement.

[This message has been edited by authorsjourney (edited August 16, 2006).]

Posted by Wayne (Member # 3675) on :

I'm brand new here - just introduced myself a few minutes ago, so excuse me if I break any rules of etiquette.

I read the fragment and the comments, and I agree with the comments. Having said that, and understanding that you want criticism and not praise, still I have to say that you captured my interest with that beginning. I'm wondering about the mother, about the situation, about enough to keep me reading.

My only advice is: When you fix the problems mentioned here, be careful not to lose the "hook" that you've set.