Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Big Powwow excerpt: Cheryl

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Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I want thoughts on another segment, some 1300 words, SF.

What we know so far: the city of Clarkston and a surrounding area have been transferred by a particle accelerator accident back to 1528 A.D. The Interstate which used to go up to the next city now dead-ends into virgin forest. Cheryl doesn't know what's happened, yet.

Cheryl Davis, thirty-something graduate student in archaeology at Clarkston State, drove north on the Interstate to her dig.

She knew she ought to stop by the reservation on the way, and look in on her cousin Vic, and Aunt Helena, whom she hadn't visited in weeks. She also knew she wouldn't. Ever since Granny and Pop both died...whenever she went by the rez, all she saw was an empty house and an untended garden. Their kitchen was the only place she'd ever been that really felt like home. That included her parents' house, and her own house during a five-year marriage that was about four years too long.

LH denizens, I posted this there as well. Got great comments there on the other one -- thanks!

[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited August 15, 2006).]

Posted by Wayne (Member # 3675) on :

Well, nobody else has taken a stab, so being new here, I will show a novice's boldness.

I don't like the word "rez." I assume it means residence, but I've never heard it before. I understand that it might be there to add an extra stroke of the brush to the portrait of the character who named the place that, but I still don't like it.

I also don't like the sentence: "That included her parents' house, and her own house during a five-year marriage that was about four years too long." It's awkward. I know what you mean, but it's the kind of sentence that irritates me when I'm reading.

Sounds like my kind of story, btw.

Posted by Dead_Poet (Member # 3542) on :

Wayne, Rez is short for indian reservation, just FYI

I'm not very interested in this part. i've read the other fragment, so it kept me reading, hoping, but honestly if this were in a novel, i would've skimmed that part. Sorry, i'm just a demanding reader like that. maybe even not such a good reader.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

Well, thanks to both of you.

I've rewritten the beginning. Comments welcome on this and the excerpt, which is now 960 words.

Cheryl Davis, graduate student in archaeology at Clarkston State, drove north on the Interstate to her advisor's dig.

She really should stop by the reservation on the way, and visit her aunt, her cousin, and whoever else was there. If Granny were still alive, it would be easy. But ever since her grandparents died, all she could see at the rez was that empty house. It tore at her.

When she'd left her parents' home to come to Clarkston State, and reconnected with the heritage her father had left behind, the tribe welcomed her. Now, she couldn't be bothered to stay in touch.

The hell with all this guilt: she could drop by the rez on the way back. She turned on the radio.

There was nothing but static.

Posted by Wayne (Member # 3675) on :

I may be looking too hard for something to criticize, but I have problems with the sentence:

quote:
"When she'd left her parents' home to come to Clarkston State, and reconnected with the heritage her father had left behind, the tribe welcomed her."

I gather from this sentence that her father had left the heritage behind at Clarkston State. What about her parent's home? If coming to Clarkston State was just coincidental with reconnecting with her father's heritage, then this long sentence should be broken up. I don't know how to fix it, but I think it's broke.

Posted by Ray (Member # 2415) on :

I'll read.

Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :

A good start, but one that leaves me with many questions.

quote:
Cheryl Davis, graduate student in archaeology at Clarkston State, drove north on the Interstate to her advisor's dig

How about giving the Interstate a number. It will help define a sense of "place," for me, even if it is a made up one.

quote:
She really should stop by the reservation on the way, and visit her aunt, her cousin, and whoever else was there. If Granny were still alive, it would be easy. But ever since her grandparents died, all she could see at the rez was that empty house. It tore at her.

I would ditch this short last senctence, for me it does nothing to impact what you are trying to say.

quote:
When she'd left her parents' home to come to Clarkston State, and reconnected with the heritage her father had left behind, the tribe welcomed her. Now, she couldn't be bothered to stay in touch.

Okay, now you've got me wondering, why and when did her father leave the tribe?
Was this a recent decision on her father's part, or long ago before Cheryl was born? Was it due to some horrible incident or situation, or was it a gradual fading?

This also has me wondering how Cheryl's parents feel about her reconnecting to the tribe, and if they had anything to do with Cheryl's current lack of interest. Or perhaps it is that Cheryl is just too busy to be bothered?

Also too, in the last line, I am thinking that the word, "Rez," may need to be capitalized.

I'll take a peek over at LH to see the remainder...

Edited for punctuation.

[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited August 20, 2006).]

Posted by Charli (Member # 3699) on :

I know this is silly but I had a problem with this, "her father had left behind." As a freelance writer, (though with only a handful of publications to my name,) I am always looking for ways to "cut" words.

I think you could do without the word "had" in that sentence.

Charli

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

Here is an updated version, which I believe addresses your suggestions. In this case, I only want comments on the first 13, because that's what's changed, mostly. (Update at LH, too.) If the last bit gets cut off: what happens next is the cell phone loses coverage.

Let me know what you think! Thanks.

Cheryl Davis drove north on the Interstate, trying to end a conversation on her cell phone.

"No, Aunt Helena," she said. "No. I really can't come by. I wish I could." That wasn't exactly true. She should stop by the reservation and visit, but she didn't want to. Before Granny died, it was easy and fun. But now, with Granny gone, all she could see at the rez was that empty house: the only place she'd ever really felt at home.

When she'd left her parents' home to come to Clarkston and reconnect with the heritage her father left behind, the tribe welcomed her. Now, she couldn't be bothered to stay in touch.

"I'll stop by this evening, if that's OK."

[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited August 27, 2006).]

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Still starting too far from the POV, and you're introducing the wrong bit of information first. For purposes of this story, it is almost certainly more important that she's of Native American extraction than that she's a student of archeology, and it comes first in this scene as well.

If you present her first talking to her Aunt Helena on her cell-phone, telling her that she can't drop by the reservation, then segue into how she really has to get to her advisor's dig if she wants to keep up with her graduate work, I think you can do this without that clunky first line. You could even do that in dialog if you want. I'd do it while driving to let her see the local landscape, but I'm only guessing.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

That sounds like an easy enough change. Is this what you had in mind (alteration above, in paragraph 1)?

[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited August 27, 2006).]

Posted by Wayne (Member # 3675) on :

I lost interest in the story trying to figure out what Survivor was talking about. Then I saw your post and realized what he had been talking about had been changed.

I like it, but as I've said, I'm easy.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Yeah, I think it works better. But then, it's my own advice, so you need other opinions