Hatrack River Writers Workshop: I Should Have Been A Go-Go Dancer- Conversion

This is topic I Should Have Been A Go-Go Dancer- Conversion in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by cll (Member # 3673) on :

Alec Kelly gripped the handle of the deep mahogany door

standing between him and one of the most elite offices in

Australia and swung it open just wide enough for his body to

slip inside. He was met with the glare of southern sun pouring

through ceiling to floor windows. He moved to the right for a

small button on the wall.

"I was up to give a look in on Markus today." He said

pressing the button.

A mechanical hum filled the room and a dark curtain

emerged, starting to draw itself across the windows.

"Oh really?" a voice said from across the office.

Alec dropped down in a leather chair, swinging one of his

legs over the chair’s arm.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I can't tell what's happening. The things I do know -- we're in Australia, we're in an office . . . since I don't know the significance, I can't be interested yet.

What *is* happening here?

Posted by Ray (Member # 2415) on :

Genre, word count, and do you want crits on this or the whole thing.

I'm with wbriggs, and you need to work a bit on your sentences. Your very first one is a bit of a run-on, and the second paragraph is a little awkward. Maybe try, "I wanted to look in on Markus today."

Posted by cll (Member # 3673) on :

The closest thing to a genre I can give you is "Inspirational" fiction. I don't have a word count on the nearly completed first draft of the novel but only wanted the first thirteen lines critiqued until I've done a re-write.

I appreciate the input.

Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :

Hey cll,
I wasn't sure what was happening here either but it strikes me that Kelly may not be Australian, is that right? Actually, there is nothing to grab me yet, but you said it was a novel and there may be time, but not much. Have you ever read The First Five Pages? It's a good guide to how to open a novel as opposed to a short story etc.

[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited August 15, 2006).]

Posted by cll (Member # 3673) on :

OKay, 2nd go round... is this improved?

Alec Kelly dropped down in a leather chair inside one of

Sydney, Australia’s most elite business offices. He swung one

of his legs over the chair’s arm and slammed the other onto a

table in front of him, watching sunlight spark off his heavy

steel toed boot. He drew a cigarette out of the pocket of his

T-shirt, placed it in his mouth and fished out a lighter from

his faded jeans.

"I was up to give a look in on Markus today." He said,

lighting up the smoke. “Nothing’s changed. The house was

thrashed and Markus was passed out with an empty bottle of

vodka in his hand.”

Alec took the cigarette from his lips and blew out smoke,

ignoring the office wall lined with platinum records...

Posted by cll (Member # 3673) on :

Hey Hoptoad,

I haven't read "The First Five Pages" but I've seen it mentioned a few times so I believe I will. Before I got on this site it never occurred to me that I had to hook the reader in the first thirteen lines. I thought I had the entire first chapter to do that. Wow... what an eye opener!

Actually, Kelly is Australian. That's why his dialog may sound a bit different.

Thanks for the input!

Posted by Wayne (Member # 3675) on :

The rewrite is better, though I haven't read "The First Five Pages" either, and I thought the first version was well written. I did find that I was more interested in reading more when I knew a little more about what was happening.

Posted by Novice (Member # 3379) on :

Your rewrite is much better than the first fragment. I'd keep reading this new piece, because now I'm interested in the characters you've introduced and the potential conflicts.

Posted by cll (Member # 3673) on :

Cool, thanks!

I was just at my local library and they had "The First Five Pages" on the shelf. Score! I plan on spending my evening with it, my writing and my guilty pleasure... Project Runway.

Cll