Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Spinner's Yarn- Literary

This is topic Spinner's Yarn- Literary in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by cll (Member # 3673) on :

I would like feed back on both the first thirteen lines and the entire word count (2 chapters) of approximately 5800 words.

April 1, 1944

Far below a blue sky canvas, on a dusty strip of dirt some

might have called a road, a lone vehicle picked its way up and

into the dark pine forests of Oregon’s Blue Mountains.

“How much further Momma?” Hannah Leah Ennis asked. The slender,

20 year-old slumped herself against the back seat of her

father’s ’42 Cadillac Sedan. She shut her eyes tight and tried

to will the nausea that rolled through her stomach to

disappear.

Hannah Leah’s mother, Miriam Ennis, sat rigid in the shotgun

seat of the Caddy. She wore a red woolen suit, classic black

traveling gloves, and an air of contempt.

Posted by thexmedic (Member # 2844) on :

Right now, I can only do the first 13... They seem pretty nice. You have a good tone, and that last line is sweet. As for crits: your descriptions are a little specific. I'm not sure I need a character's family name this early in the story. Also, I'd concentrate on the scene, before going into the specifics of the character's appearance.

But it's a nice opening. If I had time, I'd probably read on.

Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

Your first sentence is in Omni POV and your second as well. Then you stick us in Hannah Leah Ennis' head (sinking into 3rd person POV). I'd start in her head--and she wouldn't think of herself by her full name, nor would she think: "I'm a slender, 20 year-old" (twenty should be spelled out, BTW) Well, unless she's extremely shallow.

You need to harness your POV. That would help a lot.

Posted by cll (Member # 3673) on :

Helpful comments! Thank you!

Posted by Hylas (Member # 3613) on :

Yes, a surname usually isn't something incredibly important to know in the first paragraph of a story. It's more important to try to introduce it as naturally as possible.

I would recommend just writing:

"Hannah Leah’s mother Miriam sat rigid..."

Flows better. And we'll be sure to get clear on surnames when it matters, I'm sure.

It's a little thing, but...well, there you go.

Posted by Hylas (Member # 3613) on :

Maybe the first line should read "a blue blanket of sky" instead of "a blue sky canvas". For the sake of making a slight reference to the title.

Or is that too cheap/cheesy?

Posted by Novice (Member # 3379) on :

When you started with "a blue sky canvas", I thought you were going to follow that imagery with some kind of reference to painting, or artwork, or colorful scenery. I felt a little let down when you didn't return to the image.

I didn't follow "a lone vehicle picked its way up and into the dark pine forests". I think I understood what you wanted me to see, a car moving slowly, but the sentence made me think about the car as if it had free will, as if the car was guiding itself. Additionally, "up and into the dark pine forests" read strange, as I couldn't picture a car driving up a forest. I may be misreading this sentence entirely, though.

I think you can leave out "herself", and just say, "The slender 20 year-old slumped against the back seat..."

I thought the best part of this fragment, the most interesting, was the last paragraph. The scenery and the car and Hannah's nausea all seemed weak in comparison to the vivid description of Miriam Ennis, and all of my attention became riveted on your words "an air of contempt." She's stealing the scene, whether you mean her to or not. If you mean her to be the focus, start with her. If you mean the reader to focus more on Hannah, you'll need to sharpen up the prose that talks about her.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I spend my time wondering things that MC knows. Some rearrangement would help.

Far below a blue sky canvas, on a dusty strip of dirt some might have called a road, a lone vehicle picked its way up and into the dark pine forests of Oregon’s Blue Mountains. <-- Cinematic; OK, but I'd rather be in someone's head.

“How much further Momma?” Hannah Leah Ennis asked. The slender, 20 year-old slumped herself against the back seat of her father’s ’42 Cadillac Sedan. <-- Whose POV?

She shut her eyes tight and tried to will the nausea that rolled through her stomach to disappear. <-- Oh. Hannah's our POV character. I'd like to start with her. And I want to know right now why she's nauseated.

Hannah Leah’s mother, Miriam Ennis, sat rigid in the shotgun seat of the Caddy. She wore a red woolen suit, classic black traveling gloves, and an air of contempt. <-- I get what you're trying to do here: mixing clothes and mood as a sort of sardonic humor. Cool.

Posted by cll (Member # 3673) on :

These comments are very helpful. Please keep them coming! These comments are the kind that family members never say and so can truly never help improve my writing. Thank you!

Posted by cll (Member # 3673) on :

Okay, here is the second go round. I still need takers for the two chapters/5800 words but the first thirteen will work too...

Hannah Leah slumped against the back seat of her

father’s ’42 Cadillac sedan. “How much further Momma?” She

asked. She slid a hand over her belly: the jolt of the

Cadillac hitting a dip in the rough road caused her stomach to

lurch.

“Don’t worry yourself with such trivial matters, dear.”

Her mother, Miriam, answered.

“Mama, I’m going to be sick.” Hannah Leah shut her eyes

tight and tried to will the nausea that rolled through her to

disappear.

Miriam, dressed in a red woolen suit and an air of

contempt, stiffened in her seat. “This is your doing.”