Hatrack River Writers Workshop: 13 from dark fantasy short

This is topic 13 from dark fantasy short in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by authorsjourney (Member # 3569) on :

This is fantasy with a sort of twisted aspect to it and maybe a pinch of horror. Not yet finished, but probably going to finish at about 5000 words.

Novelty, Missouri was the carnival capital of America, and there was a sign at the edge of town that said so. Ainsley could see it from her window, just beyond the muddy field where the third carnival of June was unfolding its tents and rides and those little knickknack shoppes that always use the extra "pe". The carnival folk scurried around like ants, trying to set up before the daylight faded.
When the lights started coming on, Ainsley could tell that it would be a good one. Living in Novelty, you learned how to tell. The tents were bright-striped. The rides looked clean. The shoppes were painted in bright colors, instead of the usual peeling whitewash. This one was worth checking out.

I wonder if there is too little character involvement in the early opening here. Do you get any feel for Ainsley? Does this scene spark any interest?

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

For only 5000 words I think there is probably too little about Ainsley. All I know about her is that she's in Missouri watching yet another carnival set up shop.

I like the opening especially the line "Novelty, Missouri was the carnival capital of America, and there was a sign at the edge of town that said so."

If this were a novel length work, I'd say it was about perfect setting up the story but for a short story it is probably too slow.

quote:
The carnival folk scurried around like ants, trying to set up before the daylight faded.

Nice image but it is probably in the wrong place. I would drop the line to get to Ainsley's reaction to this carnival.

quote:
When the lights started coming on, Ainsley could tell that it would be a good one. Living in Novelty, you learned how to tell.

Don't give me a detached laundry list of how it looks. Let me know what Ainsley thinks about it. I would cut the next three lines and plunge into "This one was worth checking out."

Hope this helps.

Posted by Swimming Bird (Member # 2760) on :

I like this piece a lot.

For a horror story a slow opening like this I particularly like because it's the calm before the storm.

Posted by Novice (Member # 3379) on :

Your second sentence is quite long and gets over-complicated by trying to make the descriptions of shoppes be part of a list. I'd stop that sentence at "unfolding its tents" and then move on to a new sentence, especially as rides and shoppes being unfolded is an awkward kind of image. I'd take your third sentence and eliminate the weak phrase "trying to set up" in favor of using the concrete descriptions of the rides and shoppes, that way it's all there, just in a slightly different order. As it is, the third sentence feels like a kind of summary-thought to what's already been said.

I think comparing busy people to ants is overused. I'd say find a new way to say this, something that is more meaningful to this story than ants. (Well, unless ants ARE meaningful...)

I like your second paragraph. One small point might be to clarify the "it" in your first sentence, since you've started a new paragraph.

In general I get a feel for Ainsley's curiosity, and her expertise in judging carnivals. I don't get a good impression as far as her age, though, which could be worked in rather seamlessly if you wanted. I'm interested in the town more than the character or the carnival, and I'd keep reading.

Posted by thexmedic (Member # 2844) on :

I like it. I think you tell us all we need to know about Ainsley with the tone you adopt. Your description has just the right level of tired sarcasm, and I have to assume that that reflects Ainsley's thoughts. And if that's her voice, then I'm interested in hearing what she has to say.

The only real nit I have is that there's very little set-up for the sentence "When the lights started coming on, Ainsley could tell that it would be a good one." I feel you need a sentence along the lines of "Ainsley didn't have much confidence in carnivals, but when the lights started coming on..." Something like that.

Hope this helps.

Posted by authorsjourney (Member # 3569) on :

My initial draft and spot checking is finished. Would anyone be willing to help me out with a readthrough and a bit of critique? It would be very much appreciated.

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

Sure. Send it to me.

Posted by Corin224 (Member # 2513) on :

Very nice intro, and tone setting. I think there's plenty of character just through the tone. If you're interested in a reader, you can shoot a copy my way.

(edit)
As far as getting a feel for Ainsley, I get her as childlike, but with a hint of maturity. Say . . . early teens, kind of a loner, but not in a misfit sort of way? That's the impression I get from this.
(/edit)

-Falken224 (posing as Corin)

[This message has been edited by Corin224 (edited August 15, 2006).]

Posted by thayerds (Member # 3260) on :

Please send it my way. It might take 2 weeks for me to get back to you but I'd like to read more.

Didn't see anything wrong with the opening, depending on what comes immediately after. Plot needs to get going in the next paragraph for a short story.