quote:
I awoke with a start. My first thought was, Ouch! As scorching bright sunlight burned my retinas. I closed my eyes fast and tried to sit up. I could barely move. Immediately pain shot along my neck and the back of my head burned. I tried to cry out but couldn't feel my tongue. I must have said something because when I opened my eyes again, squinting this time, I saw the face of a beautiful woman looking down on me. She smiled and mouthed something to her side, I couldn't hear anything, and then I noticed the large man dragging me along by my foot. He was as unfamiliar as the captivating woman, in his free hand was a smoking submachine gun.I couldn't feel most of my body. I thought hard--tried to get my bearings--but I didn't have the faintest idea what was going on.
[This message has been edited by First Assistant (edited August 08, 2006).]
Opening a story with a person waking up is probably the most common mistake out there in terms of plotting. To say it is a cliche would be an understatement.
I can change this and would be happy to have a better opening, except it still needs to fit the events that are happening around him and above all he must remember nothing.
I think it would be more compelling to read if you started the narrative at the hospital that I assume he's being dragged to and show that he can't remember what happened by his response to the people around him and thier inevitable questions (What is your name? What unit are you from?).
Right now you are missing a lot of clarity from the writing. While you can say, well that's because he doesn't know what's happening that's not an excuse. For example, I thought this was more of caveman like setting because he's being dragged by his foot. As a result, the reference to the machine gun was jarring.
Also, who thinks of thier eyes as retinas?
There's nothing compelling me to read on. As to first person or third person, it depends on what happens. Other than the general warning that first person is a difficult POV to maintain and many people don't like it, I'm not sure anyone is qualified to answer that question based on what you've posted here.
I'd be willing to look at more if you want to try to respond to the 3rd person or 1st person question though.
quote:
I think it would be more compelling to read if you started the narrative at the hospital that I assume he's being dragged to and show that he can't remember what happened by his response to the people around him and thier inevitable questions (What is your name? What unit are you from?).