quote:
Artemis jogged through the darkened corridor. It was effortless. The exercise, the solitude, even the shadows of nightcycle gave him clarity. He deeply breathed the stale cold air as it poured from the vents. He kept his eyes vigilant, sharply piercing the vacant streetcorridors around. The freedom and sense of purpose were refreshing.Few of the overhanging lights still glowed at this hour, even the atmosphere enforced the curfew. Around him thousands of civilians slept naively in their flats, ignorant as he passed them by. Using the blackness he avoided each patrol. The guardians roving the corridors with their blue-lanterns had never posed much danger before. Tonight was no exception. Artemis lived his very life in such darkness and knew better than anyone what advantages it offered.
Formerly
Artemis jogged through the darkened corridor. To him it was effortless. The exercise, the solitude, and the shadows of nightcycle were each refreshing. He breathed the stale cold air slowly as it poured from the vents, his eyes held sharp on the vacant streets around. The freedom and sense of purpose cleared his head.
Most of the overhanging lights had turned-off--the atmosphere encouraged sleep. Around him thousands of civilians slept naively in their flats as he passed by. Allying himself with the blackness he avoided each patrol. The guardians roving the corridors with their blue-lanterns had never posed much danger before. Tonight was no exception. Artemis lived his very life in such darkness and knew best of all what advantages it offered.
Below is the original post:
I am told by a reader that this particular writing is word-heavy, the narrative bogged down by wordiness. I want a few other opinions before I commit myself to a massive re-write. Genre: Philosphical-Science-Fantasy. Word Count: 120,000
Artemis traveled the length of the dim corridor at a steady jog. It was painlessly easy for his level of fitness. In many ways the exercise, the isolation, and the shadows of nightcycle were very refreshing. A chance to clear his head and feel productive.
Everything throughout this corridor and its encompassing district was bleak and dim. The majority of the overhanging city-lights had darkened to encourage an atmosphere conducive to sleep. As a result any normal person would have found it very difficult to move much of anywhere beyond the faint guidance of the street lamps... but not Artemis.
He lived his very life in such shadows and so when situation required he could become a part of them. Knowing how to adjust to them, and, even more valuable, he was familiar with the advantages that could be taken from them.
[This message has been edited by Zero (edited August 15, 2006).]
quote:
So, what is the alternative to words?
To answer above, the alternative to 'too many words' is picking the right words.
I find this piece wordy, and your other fragment. I think it is because it seems you're not picking the right words to describe your ideas and instead have to use two or three to convey it fully. This causes it to settle into a predictable rhythm, as far as sentence length and cadence are concerned. Each sentence (except for one) seems just one or two beats too long which emphasises, to me anyway, that the words are loose and need tightening up.
Could be tightened up something like:
Artemis jogged along the darkened corridor. It was easy, and refreshing. Exercise, solitude and darkness always cleared his mind.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited August 06, 2006).]
so, hoptoad what advice could you give me about "choosing the right words?" (other than to do it.)
I like the image of tightening the sentences. But aside from shortening the longer ideas into smaller fragments [by shortening the sentences] I'm not entirely suire what to do.
I did find this comical.
quote:
I find this piece wordy...and instead have to use two or three to convey it fully
quote:
I guess I'm say add more words!
Zero
[This message has been edited by Zero (edited August 07, 2006).]
This is what I meant:
traveled (wrong word at that spot, tells us nothing- jogged is right word here)
dim (wrong word, it does not indicate that the corridor is normally bright)
steady jog . (steady jog is a repeated idea, have you ever heard of an unsteady jog? If so it is not called a jog, rather a stumble or shamble or a career.)
painlessly easy (do you mean effortless?)
In many ways (why 'in many ways'? It is an almost meaningless prefix to your sentence.)
isolation (wrong word, I think you mean solitude)
very refreshing (why very refreshing, are you trying to convey and idea that is more refreshing than just refreshing?
A chance to clear his head and feel productive. (Not a sentence, it is a fragment)
Everything throughout (it is not 'throughout' a corridor, it is 'along' a corridor. You do however get 'throughout' an encompassing district. The more correct sentence would be: Everywhere along the corridor and throughout its surrounding district was dark now. Not a pretty sentence but okay.)
bleak (bleak is the wrong word here, it implies depressing, empty, barren, cold, hopeless etc. It does not do the work you intend it to do. ie indicate low light levels, dark would suffice.)
The majority (Most)
overhanging city-lights (why overhanging, is this a critical idea, do you mean overhead?)
encourage/conducive (same idea, pick one)
As a result (why do we need 'as a result? Like 'In many ways' it seems like it is just something to whack in front of the real sentence, it adds little meaning.)
any normal person ( why anyone?)
very difficult (why very difficult? Is difficult not the right word?)
much of anywhere (What do these words mean exactly? What do they add? I know they are trying to give me an idea but I am unsure what it is.)
Sentence could be: Anyone would have found it difficult to move beyond the feint light of the street lamps... anyone but Artemis. Without losing a bit of meaning. We shave 9 words off a 27 word sentence. One third. At that rate, a 120,000 word novel would pare-back to 80,000 words. Not saying it would work out that way, but potentially we may read 40,000 words more than we need too and get no more meaning. 
)
He lived his very life (Why very life? Is it an affectation? Is it POV?) in such shadows (Why such?) and so when situation required he could become a part of them. (Is this literal? The 'so' is not needed and not justified. It does not naturally follow that A: if Artemis lives in the shadows he must therfore be able to B: become part of them.)
Knowing how to adjust to them, and, even more valuable,(Even more valuable than what? Knowing how to adjust to them or being able to adjust to them?) he was familiar with the advantages that could be taken from them.(That could be taken from them? Do you mean something along the lines of 'the advantages they offered?)
The words don't seem to be painting the pictures you imagine they are. I don't think they are the right words.
Does that help, at all? It is intended to. I have taken the time and made the effort to comment in this way because from the little I've read it seems like it might be an interesting story. 
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited August 07, 2006).]
By using a female name for a male character are you trying to say something about him sexually?
The example I can offer has to do with the word "corridor." In your first sentence, I saw an image of a man running/jogging on a ship of some kind. A spaceship or submarine. (But corridors are also found in schools, and the word has been used to describe shipping lanes, so other readers might bring other images to the scene.) Then, in the second paragraph, when you say "encompassing district", I was confused, because ships just aren't typically large enough to be divided into districts. When you added city-lights, and I finally decided you must be meaning the word in the context of a street, which is an unusual usage, in my experience. "Street" would be a better word choice, for me. Or "lane" or "path".
Now, I don't think you can tailor every word in every text to take into account every reader. You'd go crazy, and never finish anything. That's one of the values of getting critiques...if the majority of your readers are confused by a certain point, there's where you should concentrate your revision efforts. If one person brings something up, and it doesn't seem very important to you and no one else mentions it, chances are it doesn't need to be changed. In this fragment, I think there's room for confusion regarding Artemis's surroundings and his reason for being in such surroundings. Does the confusion mean you need to undertake a "massive re-write"? I don't think so, just some minor changes for clarity.
arrika, well that is an issue I would have expected---and no I am not trying to imply anything about him sexually. The truth is the vast majority of readers will not be botehred by that and I have often read that in greek "Artemis" is as often a male name as a female name, like "Alex" is both male and female in our culture. Point and case Artemis Fowl--a male character.
Novice, you are hitting something I expcted would be a confusing thing for the reader. But trust me the setting does call for the term "corridor" or perhaps "hallway," the idea would be cleaerer as to why after a few pages. Would you wait that long as a reader?
Not that you asked for a detailed explanation of my feelings on such things, because you've probably already thought this out in detail, but:
"...something I expected would be a confusing thing for the reader." -- This goes back to several topics in both F & F and Open Discussion regarding keeping secrets. If you've intentionally led me to believe this scene is taking place in a city, and then spring out with the notion that he's in some kind of hologram or on a large space station, anything OTHER than a city, I'm going to be frustrated. So you have to carefully consider references to "district" and "city-lights" and "street lamps". Also, you should weigh whether or not it is important, in the development of your story, to create any kind of ambiguous setting. You've obviously considered the idea that your readers might be confused. Would the story be significantly diminished if you simply started with "Artemis jogged easily along the [space station's] corridor..."?
I'm not saying you can't or shouldn't use this kind of plot device, but make sure it is important enough to the story that the reader can accept it without feeling deceived.
quote:
I am told by a reader that this particular writing is word-heavy, the narrative bogged down by wordiness. I want a few other opinions...
I am commenting as to original question. I think the new version is tighter, but there are probably still a few tweaks and a couple of words not pulling their weight. Words that seem to be there just because they are. The introduction of the words 'naive' and 'civilians' is a very informative move. It adds layers to Artemis' character.
Please understand this is an opinion of a person that likes low-fat, high-protein prose. How lean do you want your writing to be?
OFF TOPIC: Now I want to know why there are corridors and streets.
Its funny but I imagined a huge megalopolic structure, like the city-building in Land of the Dead. I also imagined Artemis a little bit Riddick-ish. It also strikes me as a bit Dark City or possibly City of Lost Children with the patrols, only the guards (as part of a shadows-cult) had their eyes replaced with low-light apparatus.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited August 07, 2006).]
And wasn't Mr. West's buddy in WILD, WILD WEST also named Artemis?
Artimus just seems like a work-around at best. Artemis' was also called Diana. Perhaps... no that won't work.
Artume was another version of her name, an earlier and less recognised one.
If the name is not somehow important to the story or if you are not wedded to some character you once had in an RPG, I would definitely consider changing it. Consider it anyway.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited August 09, 2006).]
I found the snippet a little hard to read, because I was trying to get what was happening, in an unfamiliar world. This is entirely appropriate, of course! You might be able to simplify it a little. For example, you could rename "nightcycle" simply "night," or maybe something else -- I picture a nightcycle as a black motorcycle.
What I *didn't* like is that I don't know why Artemis is doing this, although he does, so I"m not curious enough to want to put the effort into getting past the minor difficulties I have in understanding. If I knew what he was up to, I might be more patient (were I browsing this in the bookstore).
Yes, renaming is hard because you get use to the name and it becomes part of how you see that character. I had written a story once with three characters whose name started with "M" figuring that it would be ok because 2 were minor characters. And it worked, until they all got into a room together which was bound to happen and had a discussion. As I was writing it, I kept messing up and putting the wrong name in! Needless to say, two suffered immediate name changes (after 5 years of working with them) and I killed on off a bit later (not because of the name though). Even though I expected the transition to the new name to be difficult for me it actually worked out better. In the current WIP there are 4 (one MC and 3 supporting) who have not had thier names changed. One MC has had her name changed because the name I started with was "too masculine."
If the name being Artimis isn't critical - change it. If you don't want to or really can't change it (he's the goddess's son) the accept the fact that some people (abour 2/3 of those who responded here) had an issue with the name. It probably isn't enough to make me stop reading, but it still bothered me.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited August 10, 2006).]
Not enough people stick up for their ideas.
If you really believe in an idea, it's kinda weird to let it suffer death by a thousand cuts.
too many people stick-up for a wounded pride and think/pretend that they're sticking up for their ideas, big mistake.
If you believe the nocturnal hunter/artemis idea is important regardless of, in spite of, or juxtaposed with, gender then stick to it.
edit: added smilie and some commas.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited August 13, 2006).]
Now, if your world has history and literature that depicts Artemis as a goddess, then you may need to explain why the character has a female name. Or, at least, explain how he feels about having a female name. If your world has a history that never knew Greek mythology, I'm not sure you need any explanation at all. (Well, there's room to argue that the name Artemis might never appear in a world that didn't know Greek mythology...)
[This message has been edited by Zero (edited August 16, 2006).]
g'day mates.
[This message has been edited by Zero (edited August 17, 2006).]
I personally like the name Artemis. it is a strange name, but then the entire setting seems to be a little strange. I don't really have any advice that wasn't already given, except to say that maybe if you start the section with,
"Breathing deeply, Artemis jogged..."
My personal feelings are that instantly the reader knows what action he's taking and why. Now the bigger question becomes why is he jogging.
Since you ask, though, I'll composite a "best version" out of the three.
quote:
Artemis jogged through the darkened corridor. To him it was effortless*. The exercise, the solitude, even the shadows of nightcycle gave him clarity. He deeply breathed the stale cold air as it poured from the vents, his eyes kept sharp on the vacant streets around. The freedom and sense of purpose were refreshing.Few of the overhanging lights still glowed at this hour, even the atmosphere encouraged sleep. Around him thousands of civilians slept naively in their flats, ignorant as he passed them by. Allying himself with the blackness he avoided each patrol. The guardians roving the corridors with their blue-lanterns had never posed much danger**. Tonight was no exception. Artemis lived his very life in such darkness and knew better than anyone what advantages it offered.
*Saying only "It was effortless" fails to highlight the fact that Artemis is fully aware that this would not be effortless to most other people. I would actually go a little farther, but not as far as you went in the original version.
**Here I merely cut a word that was present in both later versions. Using "before" here implies that this time is an exception, which you flatly contradict in the next sentance. I'll justify the simple cutting on the basis that the exact wording was not present in the original posting, even though the reason is because the wordier first posting didn't get that far
Anyway, I have to reiterate that here I'm just picking out particular wordings that I found more interesting or enticing. Only a few of my picks have any reason more definite than "I like this better." That's a valid measure, but the "I" should be you as the writer or perhaps the body of all readers, not any particular reader.
My biggest suggestion however is to get a couple of people who can read a few pages or more and give you real feedback in context with some of the rest of the story. Every new word they read has the potential to change how they feel about what you've written.
Good luck!
By using a female name for a male character are you trying to say something about him sexually?
Actually, Artemis was originally a name for boys. By using a masculine name for a female Goddess, ancient Greeks sought to portray her boyishness (i.e., a virgin Goddess who was also a huntress). Therefore, Artemis is male.
However---can I do the reverse effect of what the greeks did by misgendering the character's name (in the head of the reader) to apply some feminine qualities (such as feline prowess) ?
Although guardians are: Guardians or guards?
I think that the idea of a boy stalking the streets like a night predator is good. I'm curious about the guardians, too, and would like to know a little more about what's going on.
Just give me a little more time---a year maybe.
If only it was that easy.