This is topic Toast: Or how I came to the realization I just can't cook! in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.
This is something I was working on a while back. It’s a scifi story that is more or less going to be two guys playing a practical joke, with a bit of a twist, on a friend that is a little gullible and really into time travel books. The story is pretty much completed, but I am not so good at choosing starting points. My last one wasn’t very catchy, I was wondering if this one is and if not any suggestions would be very welcome. EDIT k I can't seem to italicize so I will just put the note contents in quotation marks.
"If you had one chance to convince yourself that you were you, well what would you say, or rather write?" The note before him was odd, but it did manage to grab his attention so he read on. "Ever had one of those days? You know the kind I’m talkin’ about. The kind of day where your toast is charcoal and your eggs certainly aren’t sunny side up. Everything, and I do mean everything that can go wrong, will, and everything that will go wrong, will really go wrong. Well Jimmy my boy, you are about to have one of those days." “Kerraakkk” the toaster chimed as a charred piece of toast shot up.
[This message has been edited by Craigrs (edited August 07, 2006).] shot as opposed to the Pope jumping out...hehehe
[This message has been edited by Craigrs (edited August 07, 2006).]
Posted by Marva (Member # 3171) on :
Ya know. I think I'd leave off the first two lines and start with "Did you ever have..." I was confused about the first two, but clicked in on the third.
Posted by Ray (Member # 2415) on :
Is the note supposed to be in italics? I think that would clear up some confusion I had reading it.
Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
I just had a vision of the Pope springing out of the toaster! Thankyou.
PS:I like the tone. I would also skip that first line.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited August 06, 2006).]
Posted by Woodie (Member # 3346) on :
I agree with Marva that the first two lines made no sense to me until I got to the third, and even then I'm pretty much lost. I think a good snapshot of who Jimmy is would be a good place to start. Let me know who I'm supposed to be interested in, otherwise I'm just reading words with no attachment. Maybe have Jimmy cursing himself out for burning the toast before he gets the note.
Posted by Louiseoneal (Member # 3494) on :
I like the hook at the end. It made me want to keep reading to find out what terrible things will befall poor ole Jimmy.
k I can't seem to italicize so I will just put the note contents in quotation marks.
Thankyou.