-- begin
Years pulled on Alex's cancer-aged body, and memories stung him far sharper than the blowing grains of sand that whipped about him as he slid down into the gulley. Moonlight filtered through the brush that struggled for life on the empty canal's edge, illuminating his indistinct path.
Alex moved slowly, trudging along the dry bed. In one hand, he directed a flashlight. In the other, he clutched a clay medallion, its worry-worn edges both a reassurance and a burden. He wore a backpack, and though mostly empty, its weight still chaffed the patchy lesions that covered his upper body and peeked out from beneath his thin, graying hair and sparse, peppery beard.
A short while later, the scrub-covered entrance stood before him.
--end

[This message has been edited by gsemones (edited August 03, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by gsemones (edited August 03, 2006).]
 

Thanks Kathleen!

G
 

I don't connect a gully (not gulley, anless this is another US spelling I haven't encountered - same with "chaffed" for "chafed") with a canal - on re-reading I realised the gully is the canal, because it's empty, but it took a re-read.

Lesions "peeking" out didn't work for me.

I'm not quite hooked, because it's clear he's looking for something, and presumably he knows what (or why he's there), but you've spent more time on setting the external than internal scene. If I knew at least a part of why he's there, what he's looking for, then I might well read on, but as it is, sorry.
 

I edited the post and added the 13th line (hope that's okay by forum rules).

Thanks for the replies,

reading them now....

Guerry
 

I'll give it a look.

Guerry
 

I found your first sentance cumbersome as I read on. I loved the contrast of the memories and the sand and thought you should have stopped the thought there but you continued with him sliding into the gully. It is just my suggestion, but I would stop your thought with blowing grains of sand. It also seems as if you are trying too hard to create a rich image with moonlight filtering through struggling brush and illuminating the indistinct path. I think you have set the scene and the concept of "less is more" applies here. You are setting a barren scene, let the amount of words you use convey that as well as the specific words you employ. There are so many adjectives in your writing that they get in the way of the picture you paint.

The next portion is wonderful but rather than "moved slowly" you have a great word in trudging. Use it as trudged rather than in its infinitive form. "Alex trudged along the dry bed..."

My only other issue is why would a backpack chafe lesions under his hair and beard? I got that lesions cover his body, but when you continue to mention his hair and beard, the phrase gets muddled.

I like the scene you have set.

 

I think you could cut much of the first sentence, as noted by others. I'm not sure you need to portray the actual motion of him sliding. It depends on whether you want the opening to rest on description or action. You've tried for both here, and they are competing for the reader's attention.

For instance: "...memories stung him far sharper than the blowing grains of sand that whipped about him as he slid down into the gulley." Here you have him concentrating on memories, but you also have blowing grains, sand that whips around him, the motion of him sliding, and the introduction of a gulley. Personally, I like the sensory aspect of his presence in the gulley, and might cut the reference to his memories as well as some of the sand description in favor of concentrating on bringing the reader into Alex's POV with sensations. Maybe mention how it sounds, when he slides, instead of simply relating the action. (I'd also take advantage of this setting and add some odors to the scene, as I can almost smell the bruised weeds and brush. There aren't many scenes that lend themselves so easily to touching several different senses at once.)

I like the image of "filtered through the brush," and I'd cut "illuminating his indistinct path," as it doesn't really give the reader a good visualization of the gulley. (Plus, it's a little far removed in the text from the moonlight it describes.)

Also, the phrase "that struggled for life" brings the reader, once more, away from Alex. A modifier, to show that the brush isn't healthy or lush, might serve the same purpose without distracting from your MC. i.e. "thin brush" or even a word like "weeds".

I really like the way you describe the medallion.

The description of his lesions, hair, and beard is a bit awkward. I'm not sure I have any good ideas on how to fix it. You might have to make that section longer, to give the lesions the detail they deserve...if they are important to the rest of the story. If they are not so important, you can pass over them with a quick "...chafed the cancer lesions..." and move on. Then you could work in his facial features and other descriptors later on.

You hooked me fairly easily with this fragment, because this is an interesting character and setting.
 

"...and memories stung him far sharper than the blowing grains of sand that whipped about him as he slid down into the gulley." Memories of what? The word "memories" means nothing to me unless I know what these memories contain. I think it would help if you gave us a nice, subtle clue as to why the memories are important--they're obviously important, or else you wouldn't have mentioned them.

The second part about the "...blowing grains of sand that whipped about him..." worked well. Concrete, non-abstract detail works best for me.

"In the other, he clutched a clay medallion..." Do the memories that sting him have something to do with the medallion? If yes, then the significance of the medallion should probably be used to explain the importance of the memories.

So far, you've piqued my curiosity. I would continue reading.

Thanks again,

Guerry