Nakir sat in a darkened corner and stared at the lantern that swung in the center of the room as it cast shadows on other boy’s faces. All their clothing looked the same, dark, grey, and ripped; just like his. The air was always hot and humid, with a stench of something dead. He didn’t know how long he’s been on this ship, nor when he got used to the rocking that never ceased, but he was beginning to forget what land felt like.
“Do you think they well ever see home again?” John asked. He was one of the youngest boys with scraggly long brown hair, reminded him of his old friend Rolik, guess that’s why they became such good friends.
“I don’t know. I stopped caring.”
John sat there silent. Nakir knew John hated it when he gave up
[This message has been edited by Grijalva (edited August 02, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by First Assistant (edited August 02, 2006).]
It would strengthen the scene if you used some maritime terminology. Instead of “room”, you might use “hold” or “compartment”.
Also, the first sentence would work better if it were shortened and rewritten, maybe like this:
The lantern swung with the motion of the ship, casting shadows on the upturned faces of a dozen slaves…
I don’t mean to tell you how to write your story, but that first sentence is a bit jumbled, as are several others.
If you like, e-mail me what you've got so far and I'll give it a read.
quote:
Nakir sat in a darkened corner and stared at the lantern that swung in the center of the room as it cast shadows on other boy’s faces.
This opening sentence feels very convoluted. You're trying to jam in too much. Also, "boy's faces" is incorrect. I think you meant "boys faces" is your implying multiple people.
quote:
All their clothing looked the same, dark, grey, and ripped; just like his.
You're going to want something stronger than just a comma if you are making a list. Try a colon between same and dark. And when you say "just like his," I know what you mean but it's still ambigous because of your mention of other boys on the ship. I would recommend writing it as "same as his own."
quote:
The air was always hot and humid, with a stench of something dead. He didn’t know how long he’s been on this ship, nor when he got used to the rocking that never ceased, but he was beginning to forget what land felt like.
I like this passage.
quote:
“Do you think they well ever see home again?” John asked. He was one of the youngest boys with scraggly long brown hair, reminded him of his old friend Rolik, guess that’s why they became such good friends.
This may be a nit, but I think you should use "younger" instead of "youngest" when discribing John unless he actually is the youngest on board. Also the way you word it, it sounds like instead of being the youngest aboard, he's just the youngest with his certain hair style. The part about him reminding the MC of his pal is a run-on sentence the way it's written. I recommend putting a period after hair and starting with, "He reminded Nakir of..."
Also, when you use "guess that's why..." you are no longer in Nakir's POV. I assume it's from Nakir's POV that's your telling this from, but that phrase makes it sound like an unnamed narrator is telling the story.
quote:
“I don’t know. I stopped caring.”John sat there silent. Nakir knew John hated it when he gave up hope, but he was tired of dreaming. Hope was a word for stories, fables, were everyone lives happily ever after
I like this, too.
[This message has been edited by Swimming Bird (edited August 02, 2006).]
"Nakir sat in a darkened corner and stared at the lantern that swung in the center of the room. It cast [adjective] shadows on the other boy's faces."
Watch your tenses, keep your syntax clear. I'd probably point out a few minor fixes along those lines, but I'll save it for when I've read the whole chapter. 2000 words sounds like a pretty short chapter, but that's not necessarily bad.
I think your intro's working. I wouldn't want to commit to a read a novel right now, but I could read the very beginning.