Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Chapter 1: MAXIMUM TONNAGE TRANSPORT AND AMALGATED FREIGHT

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Posted by Corpsegrinder (Member # 2251) on :

gOOD mORNING!

Here are the first thirteen lines of a novel I've been working on. The working title is MAX TONNAGE AND THE SPACE PIRATES. Yes, it's absolutly awful, but it's just a temp and I will change it...eventually.

If you wouldn't mind reading the entire chapter (approx. 3500 words), let me know and I'll e-mail it. Thank you in advance for your feedback.

Oh yeah...the following contains a naughty word. Be warned.

Chapter One: MAXIMUM TONNAGE TRANSPORT AND AMALGAMATED FREIGHT

Max was in the Lunar Port Authority food court for less than a minute when she got her nose broke. She was a short, skinny Amerasian with a shaved head (save for a single, green-tinted lock down her forehead) and she knew her nose was broke from the awful crinkling sound in the center of her face. It was the sound of brittle, broken fragments of her septum worrying at each other as she opened her mouth to gasp <I>what the ****!<I/> And it hurt. Oh gawd did it ever hurt.

She cupped her hands over her nose, squeezed her eyes shut against the pain, and stumbled backwards into the mid-shift crowd.

Posted by Sara Genge (Member # 3468) on :

Very funny. The nit: I got distracted by the lengthy description of the MC inserted right in the middle of the action.
I'll read

Posted by Corpsegrinder (Member # 2251) on :

Cool. It's on its way.

Posted by Novice (Member # 3379) on :

"...got her nose broke..." is an awkward phrase. You never say what hit her, and I think here's the place to say: "...for less than a minute when an angry ex-lover broke her nose."

In the second sentence, I believe the correct usage would be "...she knew her nose was broken from the..."

I like this scene well enough, but somehow it happens quite slowly. She gets hurt in the very first sentence, but you get in an entire paragraph before she "stumbled backwards into the mid-shift crowd." I'd keep reading, but not with the impulse you are going for. I'd keep reading because I like your description of the character, not because I'm interested in what happened to her nose.

Posted by Corpsegrinder (Member # 2251) on :

Good points. Thanks.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Give us information that's pertinent to her nose getting broken.

Other than that, this is funny, but it also needs to situate the reader. The voice seems interesting, but a trifle scattered.

Oh, you might have found out that the forum automatically edits certain words. Also, it doesn't accept html tags, only the limited selection of ubb tags supported by this rather ancient version.

Posted by thexmedic (Member # 2844) on :

Ditto on the character description. Throw it in later. Right now Ameriasian is probably enough (great word, btw, conveys a lot very, very fast).

Posted by authorsjourney (Member # 3569) on :

quote:
It was the sound of brittle, broken fragments of her septum worrying at each other

To me, this statement seems too emotionless and scientific for a surprised reaction to suddenly having your nose broken.
Also, on a personal note, god spelled g-a-w-d irritates the heck out of me. That may not be the case for anyone else though.