Hello readers, This book is tentatively titled Shift. It's about a girl, Jaime, who is a former deliquent who decided to live with her grandfather after she turns 18 so she won't be tempted to get charged with any crimes as an adult. In the charming small town she meets some interesting people, handsome but gruff Caleb and the shadowy and mysterious Ian. She finds out more about her complex family history and finds that her destiny is something she would have never imagined...
Here are the first 13 lines, comments and questions welcome as ever. I guess I’m what you could call a bad girl. I’ve been known to party, smoke, drink, all that good stuff. My eyebrow, nose, lip and tongue are pierced. I don’t have a tattoo yet – that’s a little more permanent so I haven’t made up my mind what I want or where I want it. My mom and dad gave me the strangest look this morning when I told them that I was serious about accepting Grandpa Jack’s offer to go out to the farm for the summer. “You never do any work around the house here. What makes you think you’d know the first thing about doing work on a farm?” My mother was always quick to point out my complete uselessness whenever she got the chance.
Posted by Ray (Member # 2415) on :
Genre, word count, and do you want readers for all of it or just these lines. (Considering this is a novel, how many chapters would you be asking us to read?)
You've established your character type in one paragraph, and then immediately delved into an interesting predicament. I don't feel any confusion, which is a big plus. I would read more.
Posted by goldie (Member # 3590) on :
Genre: fantasy/horror, possibly young adult but I'll decide that when I have the finished product
Word count and length: Right now I'm still in a free flow mode. I've got the basics of my plot outline down, and I have my main characters. I know how the story ends, and left the door open for sequels. I need to add additional scenes where the characters interact and also be more descriptive of setting. I'm estimating around 65000 words but I'm still in the beginning of the process.
I'd like readers for all of it when it's ready. I'm estimating between 15-20 chapters, but this will most like change also. Thanks for saying you'd read more, that made my day.
Posted by Louiseoneal (Member # 3494) on :
Interesting character to start off fantasy/horror with. Maybe she overdoes it right off the bat with the description of herself. She thinks piercings and tattoos make her bad, which shows her youth, but also irritated me a little, although I like it that she doesn't have a tattoo because she can't decide what and where yet.
Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :
I like the flow of the story and you introduce the main character effectively. I have a teenage daughter and I caved in for the lip piercing. But she that was cool and my wife thinks it was a form of expression...I told her anymore disfigurement will have to be when she is 18..
Posted by thexmedic (Member # 2844) on :
I know the whole "show don't tell" thing is a bit of a debate here (Uncle Orson himself believes the whole piece of advice to be baloney) but I'm going to stick my neck out and say that the first paragraph has a little too much tell for my liking.
That said it may work as a paragraph elsewhere, maybe even as the third paragraph, but it doesn't hook me as an opener. I'd start with "My parents gave me the strangest look this morning..." That feels more like a starting sentence to me.
Hope this helps.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Perhaps we could call it "persuade rather than assert" in this particular case.
That's always a danger, and particularly one with first person narrators. I simply don't find this narrator believable. Obviously you mean her to be a bit of an exception, that's not a bad thing. Stories are about the exceptions, right? But even though I usually don't have a problem with suspension of disbelief, I just didn't buy into this character.
Posted by goldie (Member # 3590) on :
As I'm progressing a little bit more with the story now I like the suggestion starting out with "My parents gave me the strangest look ..." and working in the other stuff later. Maybe instead of describing herself I should give more of a description of her when she's interacting with the other characters. For example: While my mother continued on her tirade of how I'll never be perfect like my sister; I played with my nose ring because I knew it grossed her out. Thanks for all the feedback it's very helpful! Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Whatever. Just remember to take a skeptical look at your depiction and see whether they hold up or need to be reinforced (or possibly redesigned).
Posted by Woodie (Member # 3346) on :
I don't like this in first person. The rebel exterior brings out other people's steriotypes--an eighteen year old might not look at herself and say: I'm such a delinquint, look at how stupid I've been. A third person in her POV is going to give you some latitude. You'll be able to look at the story through her eyes without actually being her.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I like it a lot. I have no trouble buying that she thinks of herself as a delinquent -- and that this consists of piercings (!) -- and I'm already pretty sure *why* she thinks of herself as a delinquent: nothing else would effectively assert her independence.
About the initial description: you're doing pretty much what OSC would say. The first paragraph is free. Do what you like with it to set the scene. You do this, then you get into the action.
You might have mom and dad give her the strangest look *at breakfast* this morning -- so we'll have a better picture of the physical surroundings.
I'll read the beginning of this.
Posted by Sara Genge (Member # 3468) on :
Like it Problem in first paragraph: unless she's trying to sound cool I just don't get why having a few piercings and drinking now and then makes her a bad girl. She sounds just like an average teen, but ok, the character might think she's doing awfully novel stuff.
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
Whether having a few piercings and drinking makes one a bad or typical teen is going to depend on culture. My guess is the MC is a US teen, and probably a middle-class one. Facial piercings (as opposed to ears/navel) and drinking are pretty much no-nos in that culture, whereas (for instance) drinking is all but compulsory for a UK teen.
Posted by goldie (Member # 3590) on :
She has done other things too the reader finds out about later in the first chapter: vandalism, breaking an entry, property damage, shoplifting. Upper-middle class US teen.
Posted by Novice (Member # 3379) on :
I've had to really think on this fragment, because something bothers me, but I can't quite figure out how to word my thoughts. So, I'm going to try, but if it sounds like utter nonsense, let me know, and I'll try again.
The first paragraph sets up an important dynamic between the reader and your first person narrator. Even if you decide not to keep that paragraph, you are going to need to keep the dynamic. And right now that relationship is a little ambiguous. "I guess I'm what you could call a bad girl." So...I took this as if she knew she was talking to ME...a rather clueless adult. But then she slips into this confessional tone, listing her vices and admitting she is uncertain about where to get a tattoo. That kicked me into the "trusted secret-keeper" role.
In third person, the author gets to clearly define the relationship between all of the characters. So, when one character speaks to another, there's no ambiguity. The two characters either trust each other, or not. (Well, unless the author puts ambiguity in there on purpose.) But this story requires me, the reader, to interact with this character. So you, the writer, have to assign me a role...and keep it consistent. Otherwise, I'm going to feel confused and maybe even a little antagonistic toward your MC, if I feel like she is just pretending to confide in me, when really she thinks I'm clueless.
*sigh*
I hope that helps. I'm still not sure it says what I'm trying to say...
Posted by Aalanya (Member # 3263) on :
I think this would probably fall into the young adult category. I'm not sure that I would continue reading because I feel like your categorization of her as a "bad girl" is too simplistic. I know plenty of people who do the things you describe, and they fall under a whole spectrum of titles. To me motivation is just as important as the actions that arise from the motivation.
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
One of the things you have to be cautious of is making sure that even a "bad girl" has an interesting side to her character that the reader will identify with. I read once (sorry, not going to spend the time hunting for the reference) that publishers are not excited about YA books about teens who have bad behaviors, with no redeeming ones. That is, they are not likely to print books about teen drug users, teens who get pregnant, or any of the other teen issues if the issue does not become part of a redemption story.
This is merely a caution for you... and since I don't know the entirety of your story, it may not reflect where you plan on going. I like the idea of a teen seeing herself as a "bad girl" because most human beings obsess over their "bad" traits when they are teens. But to be published, particularly in the YA genre, I suspect you would need to show a likeable side to this character pretty rapidly.
[This message has been edited by Elan (edited August 05, 2006).]
