This is the opening to a fantasy novel, currently titled "The Lonely People". I have been outlining it for a while and I'm finally getting into the nitty gritty. Please let me know what you think.
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Coatlique sat on the beach and watched the setting sun sheath the water in flame. She knew she was dreaming. A raft of live serpents carried a man toward her out of the glare of the sun. He wore a cloak made from the starry night sky and a crown of multicolored feathers. She knew he was a holy messenger. The man stood as the raft approached the shore. The serpents reached the sand and the raft broke apart. They slithered away, leaving the man waist-deep in the water. He reached out to her. She wanted to take his hand, but she could not. The dream washed away in the waves. She awoke in the forest and realized that she was crying.
[This message has been edited by First Assistant (edited July 29, 2006).]
Posted by Novice (Member # 3379) on :
I don't think you need the last "the" in your first sentence: "...sheath water in flame." I also think you can drop "of the sun" from the end of your third sentence.
As I read through the rest of the fragment, there are several more "the"s that could be deleted. I'm not sure any of them _need_ to be deleted, as it comes down to a matter of style. There's very little difference between "leaving the man waist-deep in the water" and "leaving the man waist-deep in water". However, your fragment builds up a lot of "the"s, and once I started seeing them, they were distracting. (This is the kind of point where I begin questioning the value of "critical reading" versus "reading." Would a reader see all the repetitions? Or is it only in critical reading that such things matter?)
The second paragraph picks up a strange rhythm, because most of your sentences have two parts:
"The man stood"-"as the raft approached the shore." "The serpents reached the sand"-"and the raft broke apart." "They slithered away"-"leaving the man waist-deep in the water." "She wanted to take his hand"-"but she could not."
That rhythm is a little jerky, it's almost like each phrase is too short to allow the paragraph to really flow. (This may be another observation that is purely personal. Other readers might not be bothered by that paragraph at all.)
I love your imagery, and was really drawn to this scene. I'd definitely keep reading this.
(On a very minor note, you've got a run-on sentence there in your second paragraph.)
Posted by authorsjourney (Member # 3569) on :
Can anyone explain why my post was edited by First Assistant? The post doesn't appear to have been altered in any way...
Posted by Ray (Member # 2415) on :
It's probably because you went over the thirteen line limit. That's judged around here with Courier New font, not Times New Roman.
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
If a manuscript excerpt doesn't fit inside of the box where you post your messages, my assistants or I will cut it so that it does.
Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :
The name didn't catch for me, but I loved the imagery. The man dressed with stars and the snake raft were cool. Its like something out of Greek mythology.
well Done!
Posted by authorsjourney (Member # 3569) on :
I made my excerpt as long as the post box, which I thought was supposed to be 13 lines. I guess I must have been 1 line over or something.
TMan: Thanks. Both the name and the imagery are from Mexica (Aztec) mythology.
Any other comments on what's bad in the first 13 are greatly appreciated. It just didn't satisfy me and I'd like to know what to focus on.
Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :
I read some mythology from that period and I think I read a Forgotten Realms booked based on it..at least the mythical snake.
Posted by goldie (Member # 3590) on :
It seems very interesting and I would definately read more. However, the flow was a little off in a sentence or two. I noticed that when I was reading I would have to reread the same line a few times to keep track of things. How about "She was dreaming. There was a raft of live serpents writhing in the sea, coming toward her. Through the glare of the sun she saw a man with a cloak made from the starry night sky and a crown of multicolored feathers, a holy messanger." That's just one of the hundreds of ways to toss the words around to play with the flow a little more. Hope this helps and good luck!
Posted by Inkwell (Member # 1944) on :
I think I would disagree with a rearrangement of the "She knew she was dreaming" content. The way it currently stands, I am both drawn into the time and place (albeit not the actual time and place) with visual themes I was able to interpet both easily and with no small measure of enthusiasm. However, placing the exposition about Coatlique dreaming after that visually compelling first sentence also denotes emphasis on the fact that she is dreaming. For that, I thank you a thousand times over. I'm not fond of intros (most of them written by professional authors) that try to trick the reader into believing the opening setting is real when it is, in fact, a dream, fantasy, or flashback. You, however, keep the dream content, yet communicate the circumstances to the reader upfront.
Perhaps 'beef up' the sentence about her knowing he was a holy messenger. It almost sounds like you want to put a 'Somehow' in the beginning of that sentence (at least, that's how the tone came across to me), which could also lend a bit of foreshadowing...if it accurately fits your plot.
I think the fragmented, or broken-flow, feel others have mentioned may be traced to the length of your sentences (as Novice hinted at). You might be able to fix this by merging a line here and there (personally, I'd combine the "...serpents reached the sand..." and "They slithered away..." lines). On the other hand, I wouldn't change the wording of those sentences at all...not one bit. Other than what you must to integrate them, of course.
Yes, a few "the's" could be removed or replaced...but that's largely up to the writer's own stylistic decision of how the intro should flow. The only one I would change (and this is totally personal opinion, here) is "the man" in line 8 to simply "him." IMO, it aids the flow of the passage a bit.
However, such changes could either greatly enhance or greatly hinder your intro, and subsequently should be left entirely up to your judgement. I very much like your imagery, pacing, and overall sentence construction. It just needs to be balanced out a little for maximum effect. I would definitely keep reading.
By-the-way, welcome to Hatrack (I've been lax on my welcomings lately, so I thought I'd start catching up with you).
Inkwell ----------------- "The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp." -Anonymous
[This message has been edited by Inkwell (edited August 01, 2006).]
Posted by wrenbird (Member # 3245) on :
I really enjoyed it, great images. The only line that didn't work for me was "She knew he was a holy messenger." You had just said "she knew she was dreaming" a few sentenses earlier. I would cut out one of the " She knew"s. Other than that, it worked great for me.
Posted by authorsjourney (Member # 3569) on :
Thanks for the welcome, inkwell! I'm excited to be here. I'm already finding that many people here are excellent at clearly stating what doesn't work and why. I think helpful critiquing is an art unto itself
Thanks also for the clarifications. My intent with "She knew he was a holy messenger" is difficult for me to explain, which is probably why it doesn't quite work. The idea is that strange way that you sometimes "know" all sorts of odd things in dreams as if by magic. She has no reason to know that he's a holy messenger (aside from the fantastic clothes), but she does anyway. I'll have to spend some time on that sentence to get it just right.
To everyone, thanks for the suggestions!
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
See, the problem is that there isn't any of the sense of meaning you just described.
Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
Hey, I like it -- but have a couple of reservations. I would have chosen different words at certain points. Can't see how the water can be 'sheathed' in anything. Also the idea of the raft dissolving and the rider being dumped to his waist in water is a little clumsy to me, better to have the raft beach itself and the snakes wriggle away, in my mind, leaving the rider safe on the shingle. To have the MC wake up crying is a little bit ho-hum and predictable. (To be honest, that's where you lost me-- ie I slipped off your hook -- because I wqanted to know more about the dream and why it was important and the transition was timed wrong, I thought. BTW I know Coatlique is an Aztec name but it sounds more like a coat shop.
The word 'dreaming' is good. As an Australian, exposed to Aboriginal cultural terms, it has a spiritual connotation immediately.
Dreaming is a word used to describe the times, realms, realities in which ancestral creator beings walked the land establishing physical features, planting food plants, talking to and being in communication with the ancestral beings of animals and birds etc. (My kinda lame take on it is that it is a combination of the concept of 'past' and the idea of 'present'. That these things exist together and are in some ways informing/building one another.)
'Dreaming' stories can be told or evoked through dances and songs and ceremonies etc. and are often symbolic/esoteric. I mean they imply that greater 'truths' lie behind our perception of things.
To me, that word alone, improved the piece a great deal. I think the scene is worth working on, even if it does need tweaking, if the dream is important.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited August 01, 2006).]
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I'm not hooked here. I get that the dream might have real significance, but I don't know what it is -- so I just want to skip over to something I *do* get. I'd say either don't start with the dream, or tell us the significance. It should be rendered easier by MC's awareness that she's dreaming.
Posted by Hylas (Member # 3613) on :
Okay, I would suggest trying to do something with the "She knew she was dreaming" and the "She knew he was a holy messenger". I don't know, maybe you had a specific reason to say it like that, but if not, then I would perhaps recommend a subtler, smoother way of making those points. Maybe by combining sentences, something like "He wore a cloak only a holy messenger could--a cloth encompassing a sky of stars."
