This is topic Model Citizen- first draft, sci-fi, short story 600 words in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.
I used to think that life was simple, you work hard and go then go home to surburbia. At home your wife has supper ready and the kids are a source of amusement, not a nuisance. But today everything changed, today see life differently and I want to live it. Let me tell you why, it was the aliens- don't laugh, or roll your eyes.
My name is Frank Justuson, I was driving my family van down an old country road that fateful day. The dust played havoc with my vision, or maybe it was the alcohol - probably the latter. It was late and I knew Kate would be angry, because I didn't call to her. I didn't call home much anymore, I lived most of my life at Monk's a seedy sports bar just minutes from work.
Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :
Frank hates his life, the routine and it repetitiveness. he drinks to blur the lines and wonders why the man upstairs has relegated him to such a fate. Then fate steps in, Frank is abducted by aliens who were observing him...its a spin off of the Twilight Zone, and the alien abduction theories - are we a zoo for aliens to watch? Tell what you think - would this make a good short story?
Posted by Zoot (Member # 3176) on :
Your writing is very clear and concise, the narrative flows well. However, personally, if I never hear or see another alien abduction story again it will be too soon.
That has got to be the mother of all SF cliches- though I can't deny there's probably still a market for it in certain regions of the US.
Sorry, that's just my not-so-humble opinion.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
The idea doesn't seem bad ,though I'll tell you that pretty much any alien is going to prefer actual art to watching unedited reality entertainment involving humans. Just because it isn't realistic, that doesn't mean it can't be an interesing story.
Your opening here is a technically correct narrator introduction, no really major glitches (some typo level stuff).
But all the same, it just doesn't grab me. The narrator, despite being "interesting" by virtue of the abduction experience he's about to relate, is not that interesting
Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :
Yeah, I know abduction stories are cliche - I watch them on Discovery and the Space channel, but they can prove interesting. Especially since I should have said the aliens observe human behavior across the planet and they are like the moderators - sometimes they try to help someone become a "model" citizen...remember those life like fashion manikens? They are creepy...
When its done I will show you the ending..if you want
[This message has been edited by TMan1969 (edited July 27, 2006).]
Posted by Novice (Member # 3379) on :
Have you seen the TZ episode called "Hocus-Pocus and Frisby"? It's not quite the same as what you describe, but it's the first thing I thought of when I read your plot summary.
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
quote: At home your wife has supper ready and the kids are a source of amusement, not a nuisance.
This is CLEARLY a work of fantasy.
Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :
Sadly, Yes....I have had the odd two-three hour period of contentment
Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :
Yes Novice I was influenced a bit by an episode --probably two episodes of TZ...now that I have read their short synopsis'
Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :
Just about every sentence in your opening is a run-on.
Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :
Thank you for your observation.
Posted by Verdant (Member # 3498) on :
My opinion, this could work, it depends on how you write it. 600 words is not much and you can't waste time getting down to the meat. I think this start is the only way you can do it in 600 words. It's not my cup of tea but the writing seems fine and I like the tone, no BS, just let me tell you what happened.
Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :
Thanks, I guess I didn't clarify..600 words right now, I have alot on the go..I have to focus my energies and finish something.
Posted by Louiseoneal (Member # 3494) on :
The narrator got my attention, he seems to have a nice, dry sarcasm, but I didn't like the phrase, 'on that fateful day', guess I've read it too many times.
Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :
Yep looks like them guys gave us another model citizen.” The old security guard looked me in the eye and he smiled, “I hear you boy, this a prison for folk like you. When you become a model citizen in here,” he points to his heart, “and here they may come back for you” He laughs, and whistles some stupid song as he walks away. “Hey I am a model citizen! I work for the government – national security.” I shout at the idiot and I know it will do nothing. Whats the old man going to do zap me back to my mutilated body? Gee thanks, now I can go home and hope not to scare my son to death.
This is near the ending, what do you think? Its done now 2,053 words...
[This message has been edited by TMan1969 (edited July 31, 2006).]
Posted by wrenbird (Member # 3245) on :
Seems interesting. I had a bit of trouble with this line: "I didn't call home much anymore, I lived most of my life at Monk's a seedy sports bar just minutes from work." I felt that it should go this way. "I didn't call home much anymore. I lived most of my life at Monks, a seedy sports bar just minutes from work." Just minor, punctuation stuff.
Posted by authorsjourney (Member # 3569) on :
I'd advise working on your comma usage. There are several sentences that either need a comma or should be broken into two sentences. For example: "Whats the old man going to do zap me back to my mutilated body?"
I agree that "on that fateful day" doesn't sound right. From what I've read, it doesn't seem to fit the character's voice.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
By the way, giving us a segment and telling us it's near the end doesn't help us decide whether you know how to tell a story. The beginning of a story has to be understandable just using whatever context you initially share with the audience. The end shouldn't be comprehensible unless we've already read the rest of the story. Naturally, I'm pretty much at a loss to understand this bit from "near the ending," but that doesn't mean anything. Even if I thought it was understandable, I still wouldn't be able to understand what it meant in the context of the rest of the story, which would be the way a reader would have to understand it.
If you've ever checked out a pithy quote from some book or other you haven't read, then gone back and read the book, you've probably noticed this. Context changes everything.
Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :
for Survivor:
I miss my son, his laughter and I don’t know what else – I miss hearing him, seeing him. Probably some sort of sports whiz, and about to sign a big contract. They never did tell me what constitutes a model citizen. I mean what does it take to get out of this prison? I would do anything, really. I went through many emotions, anger to absolute remorse. Nobody heard me, except for the old bastard. You know who the voice was that mocked?. Elvis, so I guess the tabloids were right after all – he isn’t dead. He is a department store model! I know it sounds crazy and he did sing “Blue Suede Shoes” for me – I have to wait to see him in the flesh. Ha, if he has flesh left. “All patrons, 2nd floor casual wear sale today all sweaters marked sale 50 % off”
I finished it, now I am letting it brew awhile - then re-write, edit, etc.....
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 03, 2006).]
