Readers can empathize a lot more with Liam than with "the boy".
A little boy tries to grow up and avoid being mired in depression that surrounds his mother. Liam misses school field trips, can't afford Kris Kringle gifts - but his saving grace is his close friends and their families. They provide stability and a place to feel free.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 14, 2006).]
* Give us his name. Why not?
* When you tell us about "him," and then "a frightened little boy," I wonder how many characters are present. "The frightened little boy" would work better, but even that doesn't clear it up. "John" would.
* How did his mother get in the house, when it was a man?
* "Something far worse than the storm madehim scared and her loud, drunken voice": What made him scared? If it was her voice, tell us that: "Her loud, drunken voice came up the stairs, scaring him."
* Why does it scare him? You've got a reason, but I want to know: whether he's afraid of crazymaking, or actual hitting.
* we got pizza" foul breath; his eye's; I know your awake: You got some significant punctuation problems here
* You might try deep penetration. This is clearly about the boy and his reactions, so why not? Instead of "He hoped that it was just his mother," you could say. "Was it his mother? Was it just her? He hated it when she brought some man home, because it always meant ..."
I'll be interested to see what happens to him.
You open with a contradiction that impedes the rest of the fragment...the little boy is not "...sleeping in his bed."
I don't like the way his interaction with his mother skips around. In one moment she is getting out of the cab, then she's yelling from the stairwell, then she's looming over his bed...all without any description of moving or time passing.
Your prose is a little rough, mostly because of minor punctuation and phrasing problems. These oversights add up to a piece that is difficult to read smoothly, even though the story is interesting and I feel sympathy for the character. Everyone who has ever seen The Wizard of Oz or Poltergeist understands that thing about tree shadows, so you've found an engaging place to start. Now you need to slow it down a bit, clean up the mechanics, and capitalize on the mood. This scene lends itself to more tension than you've achieved here.
I agree with wbriggs, give the little chap a name from the start Readers can empathize a lot more with Liam than with "the boy".
This is just me, your story is yours and not mine so discard this if you don't agree.
quote:
Something far worse then the storm made him scared and her loud drunken voice came up the stairs, reverberating in the stairwell, “Mommy is home. Liam, we got pizza” foul breath filled his nostrils and turned his stomach, “I know your awake” she rolled the young boy over and
Would you lose much if you skipped the storm and started from here(Besides the story's title)? I say it because a child in bed watching a storm isn't as "interesting" (to me) as a scared boy hearing the drunken voice of his mom coming up the stairs.
But again, like wbriggs said, tell us of whathe's scared of; there has to be some sort of precedent, his mom has done whatever before or else Liam wouldn't have a reason to be scared.
I like the idea, though. You've put Liam in an interesting place, I'd read on.
Nicole
[This message has been edited by Nicole (edited July 14, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Nicole (edited July 14, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Nicole (edited July 14, 2006).]
It was dark in Liam’s room and the storm was in a rage. Something far worse then the storm made him scared and her loud drunken voice came up the stairs, reverberating in the stairwell, “Mommy is home. Liam, we got pizza” foul breath filled his nostrils and turned his stomach, “I know your awake” she rolled the young boy over and Liam’s’ eyes were shut tight, “C’mon on now, your faking”.
“Leave me alone, I’m tired” Liam angrily turned away from his mother.
She roughly grabbed his shoulder and turned him back, “Don’t you turn your back on me! Get downstairs now!”
The thunder clapped loudly and Liam slowly stood up and followed his mother downstairs, “There’s pizza and pop” his mother was excited, hoping for approval for the new man. Liam put his glasses on and everything came into focus.
[This message has been edited by First Assistant (edited July 15, 2006).]
The punctuation problems are killing you here. Recommend Strunk & White.
Other suggestion: let "something far worse than the storm made him scared" come AFTER we know it's Mommy. It's a more immediate experience if we experience things in the same order he does.