Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Bad Man: 3000 word short

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Posted by Louiseoneal (Member # 3494) on :

Some profanity, a dead guy with no face, and I'm trying for a mood that will make you reach for your Prozac (but this is only draft three, so I might have achieved unintentionally hysterical melodrama instead).

Here are the first 13 lines. Let me know if anyone wants to read the rest.

He always said, “I’m a bad man trying to be good.” But he wasn’t trying very hard.
Selkie found him sprawled in the yard on a Sunday morning. The sky still glowed more pearl than pink, and the wet grass chilled her feet when she stepped off the porch.
She saw the bottle first, and always remembered it clearest. She stared at the brown glass, the red and white label, looked at that bottle so she didn’t have to look directly at the feet and legs. So she wouldn’t have to lift her eyes and trace the legs up to the waist, over the mounding gut, beyond it to the face. Something wrong with the face.
I told you I’d leave if you ever drank again, Carl. I told you. Oh god, I don’t want to have to leave you. I don’t.

Edited to fix first person tense (I hope) and make it clearer that she doesn't know yet (or isn't admitting to herself) that he's dead.

Second editing attempt.

[This message has been edited by Louiseoneal (edited July 10, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by Louiseoneal (edited July 11, 2006).]

Posted by Ray (Member # 2415) on :

It's rather confusing. The man has no name, and it's not completely obvious that he's her husband until the end of the excerpt.

Also, your first sentence is misleading. If you had said something like "He had said, 'I'm a bad man trying to be good.' But he hadn't tried very hard." Writing him in the past tense makes it easier to accept that he's dead.

Overall, you need to work on the POV. The beginning paragraphs are written like it's after the fact of him being dead, but the last bits seem to be her not knowing he's dead as she walks in the door. Basically, it needs a bit more clarity before I'll read on.

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

You might be more successful at conveying the fact that he's dead if you mention the fact that he's laying in the grass. I pictured her maybe sitting on the step, eyes downcast, with him standing in front of her.

Too much repetition of "she stared" for me. It didn't strike me as stylish, more as an editing error.

I liked the description about the dawn. I'd like to know immediately her emotion. Is she upset? nervous? Grim? Inject a hint of her emotional state. It's always better if *I* can feel it, too.

Posted by Louiseoneal (Member # 3494) on :

Thanks Ray, thanks Elan.

Elan, she gets emotional a line or two later, but I might try to get it in there earlier, since I want people to keep reading. I'll have to figure that out.

Posted by Ray (Member # 2415) on :

I'll read.

Posted by Pergascript (Member # 3539) on :

hi louise
I'd like to read it - enjoyed your last story
this has a nice hook

Posted by thexmedic (Member # 2844) on :

I really like it.

That's about all I have to say.

Posted by Novice (Member # 3379) on :

I found the phrase, "...and always remembered it clearest" to be a little intrusive. It seems you want the reader to suspect Carl's dead, even though the character doesn't. This makes the reader have to work to see through two different perspectives right from the start, and blunts Selkie's eventual revelation.

I think I understand what you are going for, that she sees him peripherally even while looking at the bottle, but the statement "Something wrong with the face." has the same mildly intrusive feel.

I'm confused as to what POV you mean to be using here (because I still don't have a great grasp of POV to start with). I can't tell if this keeps to a single POV, but something about it seems inconsistent...I think I feel that way because you don't tag her internal dialogue. Will that part eventually be in italics?

Posted by Louiseoneal (Member # 3494) on :

I suppose it needs to be, Novice, if it gets confusing. I better send the whole thing to a couple of readers and see if it needs to be from there, and work out POV for the whole thing. You are finding problems with it that I did not see because I am the one who wrote it, so I am too close to it at the moment. And I appreciate your help, too!

Edited to add: I also don't usually get so all out evil to my POV characters, and the difficulty I had in writing it is warping my perspective and making editing hard too, I'm afraid.

[This message has been edited by Louiseoneal (edited July 11, 2006).]

Posted by Marva (Member # 3171) on :

Perhaps drop the first sentence. It doesn't fit in with the scene. I kind of like her just finding him laying in the grass.

Then, a bit further down, use the first sentence to give the reader a grasp of the dead guy's personality (pre-death).