[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 06, 2006).]
[So far as I know, all Valkyries are female.]
Both men wore a black robe and a red sash, the gentle folds of their robes covered their faces. The floor was made of marble laid by the Ancients themselves.
[Their faces are covered, but they seem to be able to see the floor and a lot of other things going on around them.]
Their voices weaving together filled the people of Jorheim with pride, for no two have ever joined the ranks of the Knights at such an early age.
[have is present tense and threw me a little]
'Thedaran sang alongside his good friend Darcus.' - This feels a little clumsy for the first line of the story. You should be able to show their friendship through their singing rather than bland exposition. (Also, is there a need for an ellipsis at the end of the singing? I may be a grammar obsessive, but that immediately put me off reading further )
'Upon hearing this his cheeks turned a light scarlet color.' - You mean 'Thedaran blushed', but using five times the words. Unless this was a specific stylistic thing you were going for, I would say cut it down/out.
'never treading in darkness.” Darcus sang' - comma after 'darkness', rather than a period.
'Both men wore a black robe and a red sash, the gentle folds of their robes covered their faces.' - As a semi-pro male-voice singer myself, I can tell you that if I was singing with my head held high and a robe covering my face I certain wouldn't be sounding like no seraph, if you excuse the momentary lapse into bad grammar. Each time I took breath, the fabric would block my airflow, and any sound I did make would be muffled by the material.
'The floor was made of marble laid by the Ancients themselves.' - Again, this seems irrelevant in its current position, and only succeeds in bringing me out of the action.
All the above is intended as constructive criticism. If I hadn't liked the concept, I wouldn't have commented
Hope it helps.
Teph
The floor was made of marble laid by the Ancients themselves.