So far, all I have is about 1700 words of the opening scene, and another 10 or 20 thousand words of random other scenes I wanted to flesh out, but which will make no sense until I get them all sewn together. I have no idea how long this story will be.
Anyway, here's the first 13 of the opening scene . . . actually 15 lines. It was a better stopping point. Any feedback would be appreciated.
*shudder*
Getting criticism. I just dread this part.
(Edit) For those who care and want to see the full scene, the full version has a couple profanities in it. Not excessive, but my MC is a bit more rough around the edges than her colleagues. Just a wee warning.(/Edit)
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Deep space ships didn't have windows, everybody knew that, but the display looked so real. Talya reached her hand out to touch it, expecting the feel of glass, despite knowing that the only thing there was a steel wall. Sure enough, just the steel. She pulled away again, and leaned back against her overturned desk to absorb the view. The stars blurred, streaking by her viewport, all the while shimmering with the uncertainty of rounding errors and imperfect navigational readings. Whether it was atmospheric distortions, or mathematical artifacts, it seemed the stars always twinkled.
Her office door clunked softly as it slid open. She didn't even have to look. It was Faith. She'd been getting closer for a while now. Talya had thought of trying to hide,
[This message has been edited by Corin224 (edited July 06, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 06, 2006).]
martin.odonnell@cibasc.com
I don't see a reason to introduce twinkling into the display, since stars don't twinkle in space.
I didn't get the last long paragraph -- it was about the 2 women's relationship, but I didn't have anything to hang it on, really.
I didn't get hooked here. What's the reason to read this story? Maybe tell us in paragraph 1.
quote:
I didn't get the last long paragraph -- it was about the 2 women's relationship, but I didn't have anything to hang it on, really.I didn't get hooked here. What's the reason to read this story? Maybe tell us in paragraph 1.
Hmm. I was trying to communicate 3 things, which I thought were the "hook" and I'm curious if I just flat out missed it, and if so what I can do about it. I wanted to show . . .
1) The two women are telepathic. I was hoping the "Oooh! Telepaths!" factor might kick in long enough to get the reader through the next few paragraphs.
2) One of the women feeling horror and sadness, I was HOPING would convey the message of "something interesting happened."
3) The MC, despite being comforted by her friend's presence doesn't want to see her . . . again indicating "something interesting happened."
Not interestig enough? Or didn't pull it off?
-Falken224 (posing as Corin)
[This message has been edited by Corin224 (edited July 06, 2006).]
You're not well focused on the relevant issues in this opening. If you want us to be hooked by telepaths, then start with telepaths. If you want us to be hooked by the starship, then stick with that. But concentrate on presenting the most important thing clearly.
Anyway . . . that question aside . . .
I've always hated unloading the major plot point in the first paragraph. It's so jarring. I don't even like READING stories that do that. Is there really not even a couple paragraphs I can use to set the scene and provide just the hint of a character?
Okay, that little half-question / half-whine is out of my system now . . . I'll see if I can re-work it and re-post it up under a new topic when I'm done.
-Falken224 (posing as Corin)
quote:
KDW . . . Really? that's 13 lines? I have to set my font up to 18 point to get 13 lines out of that. Did I miss something?
I'm using Microsoft Word 2003, 1" margins, 12-point Courier New, and I get essentially the same thing Kathleen did at 13 lines. It might fit another word or two on the end of the last line, but it's close.
quote:
I've always hated unloading the major plot point in the first paragraph. It's so jarring. I don't even like READING stories that do that.
Me, too.
Of course you _can_ set up setting and character -- but it has to (a) be sufficiently interesting, and (b) get paid off by the rest of the story. That's why you should start with something powerfully interesting that's directly related to key elements of the story, whether those elements are character, setting, concept, or conflict. And in a short story, you won't have space for much of each, so you probably need to fuse them all together as much as possible.
In this case, you're setting a tone, but to do so you're focusing on the things that aren't the crux of the story; you're actually starting with a digression. Instead, as Survivor said, consider setting the tone using telepathy, or by getting into the head of the woman to whom something interesting happened -- and preferably by giving us something about what the interesting thing was, so we'll know why we should keep reading about her.
I should point out that I like some stories that survive on nothing but good voice, but that's not usually commercial fiction.
Regards,
Oliver
[Edited to eliminate a misplaced "not".]
[This message has been edited by oliverhouse (edited July 07, 2006).]
Good Ms. KDW, that's why you kick ass.
I'm a web developer in my day job. You'd think I would have come up with that.
I think when I originally pasted it, it wasn't in courier. So, my bad.
Thanks everybody for the feedback.
-Falken224 (posing as Corin)
[This message has been edited by Corin224 (edited July 08, 2006).]
It might take me a week or so, though.
Nicole
Many thanks.
-Falken
