Hatrack River Writers Workshop: First 13 lines... Till Human voices...

This is topic First 13 lines... Till Human voices... in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Ellepepper (Member # 3520) on :

Science fiction Novel 68900+ words... Anyone who wants it via e-mail can, but I'm working it over for the Yosemite Writer's conference in august. *mean italicized*

Curtis paused just before the marker. To the uninformed it looked like nothing more than another piece of rubble, but to a Black Tunic like himself it was the marker of the last step he could legally go. The red ‘system reprimand’ light was flashing a silent warning that what he was about to do was forbidden.
He knew it would be just like last time, one more step would unleash the EM energy called a Reprimand. That was such a mundane term for the type of pain that it caused. And he knew this one step could kill him; it almost had last time. *But one step beyond that and I am free.* He thought. Only here, so close to a system reprimand would he dare to think that.
According to Gen-Tech lore no Unit had ever made it two

[This message has been edited by Ellepepper (edited July 03, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 03, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by Ellepepper (edited July 04, 2006).]

Posted by RinkRatWriter (Member # 3535) on :

Overall, I like what you've got so far; it's an interesting beginning.

That said, while I'm willing to take most of what is written for obscure concepts in sci-fi and fantasy on faith (knowing that eventually the author will get around to explaining things), I find one question jumping out in my mind when I read your 13.

"The red ‘system reprimand’ light was flashing a silent warning that what he was about to do was forbidden"

Where is this system reprimand light? Is it on the marker? Is it located somewhere on Curtis? Is it on a console near the marker?

To me, the question about the red system reprimand light is enough to pull me out of the story.

Other than that, like I said, I like what I see.

Posted by Ellepepper (Member # 3520) on :

He's a cyborg. (Of sorts, more an augmented human) Think the display that Terminator has over his normal vision. Except that it isn't a false color display, it is just text or lights flashing in his periphery.

Posted by Louiseoneal (Member # 3494) on :

I see that called a HUD sometimes, a heads up display. Of course, in the cyborg's case, I case he doesn't need a helmet, it's just internal, right?

Posted by Ellepepper (Member # 3520) on :

Yeah, it's internal. He doesn't need a helmit though he can use one.

Also I changed two words. The red 'system reprimand" became His internal, red...

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

You could call it a "visual overlay" or just "HUD" (Heads Up Display simply means that you don't have to look away from what you're doing, it doesn't imply the location of the display). I wasn't confused by "internal, red 'system reprimant' light", but I did find it clunky.

I gotta say, either he's a moron for believing that the control system has zero redundancy or he has good reason to believe that his controllers were stupid enough to design a control system with no backup in the event that the primary system failed. My guess would be that the second step will unleash a definitely lethal response, but that would be a pretty short story, eh?

Posted by Ellepepper (Member # 3520) on :

He knows what will happen. He's tried once before. It will unleash an EM surge that could be fatal. But he doesn't want to be a slave any longer.

Most Units like himself are so controlled by the computer they don't know that they can run away, or they are too afraid to try. He tried and managed to pull himself back from the line before his system totally fried... That's why it would be like last time.

[This message has been edited by Ellepepper (edited July 04, 2006).]

Posted by petrovski (Member # 3350) on :

I like your hook. Life-or-death fredom-or-slavery decisions are great. I just have one note beyond what has already been said. For flow purposes, the "he thought" phrase could be moulded into the third person. Something like, "One more step beyond and he would be free."

Posted by Ellepepper (Member # 3520) on :

*One step beyond and I'm free* Is å thought which is why it is set off in italics. Some of what will be happening is happening in his head as he fights for control from his computer.

Posted by Ellepepper (Member # 3520) on :

Also, One step beyond is a Unit phrase. If they are 'one step beyond' they are either crazy or acting directly against orders.

Posted by petrovski (Member # 3350) on :

I am afraid I wasn't clear with my response. I understood perfectly that your phrase was a thought. I am more concerned with POV. If you are telling the story from the character's POV, you generally can throw in thoughts without having to tag them with a "he thought" or having to put them in special italics.

In the case of this story, I believe the tag and italics are unnecessary as you have already established POV. In might be better for the flow of the 13 lines if the thought were untagged, unitalicized.

Does any of this rambling make sense?

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I got no problem with this section, except that

*Such and such.* He thought.

should be

*Such and such,* he thought.

or better yet

Such and such, he thought.

Such and such.

The first form isn't good punctuation. The other variants are taste.

Posted by Sara Genge (Member # 3468) on :

Interesting but dense
"Marker" is too soft a word for the meaning you want to convey. It took me a while to figure out it was important just because the word is so weak. How about "cairn" or even "symbol"
Where is the "red system reprimand"? I imagined it inside his head or else someone would notice.
I don't think you need quotation marks around "sytem reprimand".

"The red ‘system reprimand’ light was flashing a silent warning that what he was about to do was forbidden."
What about an active phrase here: ...that he was forbidden to go any further... of something.

"He knew it would be just like last time, one more step would unleash the EM energy called a Reprimand. That was such a mundane term for the type of pain that it caused. And he knew this one step could kill him; it almost had last time. "
You say that he's done this before twice in these four lines. cut one out. I would also cut the description of the Reprimand-thing, the reader only needs to know it hurts:
"One more step would unleash the energy Reprimand"

"Only here, so close to a system reprimand would he dare to think that."
Turn this phrase around for clearer reading: He would only dare to think that here, where he was so close to the Reprimand..." Or whatever, my phrase was kind of clumsy there. Also if you've capitalized Reprimand the first time do it always.

That's as many nits as I can see.
I liked it very much. I'd read more. I'm intrigued.

Posted by apeiron (Member # 2565) on :

I agree with everyone's comments so far, except that I think you should leave in that the Reprimand causes pain as well as possibly death. If I don't know the consequences, why should I care about what he's about to do?

Good start!

Posted by Ellepepper (Member # 3520) on :

Ok, the 'marker' is actually nothing more than a piece of the old gate that used to be there. It says about two sentences later that it just looks like more rubble. No one but Curtis' people even know there is a dividing line there.

As to the * I can't figure out how to do italics on these codes. when I copied it came out funky so I had to set it off somehow.

Thanks for catching it. "System Reprimand" is correct. Also, I thought I was pretty clear that the Reprimand could be fatal {it had almost killed him last time.}

Posted by Aust Alien (Member # 3493) on :

Love it so far.
Can I crit the entire chapter?