Mud from the fall clung stubbornly to his night suit. The sound of sirens reverberated around him. William stumbled upwards and worked to retrace his steps. As he awkwardly crossed the open courtyard, he looked back. It could not be made certain what his eyes had locked on to, but his reaction could not be mistaken. He wore a look of understanding and anger, of pain and guilt.
The video stopped.
“These are the beginning moments of your death. Watch carefully, for it is your only hope of avoiding it.”
Please be vicious, I need help. I am only 18, and wish to dabble in writing. Thank you all.
There are some lingering questions, though. What fall was there? And where is the courtyard? Does the MC, main character (presumably Wiliam), recognize the surroundings in the video? Is the MC watching himself on video? If these things can be clearer, then I feel it could work.
Good luck.
It was hard for me to figure out what was going on in paragraph 1. Mud from the fall -- what fall? Night suit -- what's that? Why are there sirens? Please see under FAQ's and general discussions, threads worth keeping or some such title, "Just tell me." Now, if the POV character doesn't know these things, that's OK, but you can *tell* us s/he doesn't know.
There's a POV issue. We clearly aren't in the POV of the William with mud on him, since he's just something on a video. But we seem to be in sentence 3, when Wm worked to retrace his steps. If we aren't in his POV, we won't know that he's working toward that. We could know that he went back the way he came, or that he seemed to be trying to retrace his steps.
Finally, there's the gimmick, intentional or not: you put us in one scene (the one with sirens), and then show us we aren't really there at all, it's just a video. I personally don't like being messed with like this. THat might be just me.
In any event, I think you might want to start with the last line, which is your hook, before the video starts. A lot of readers get very annoyed at the "oh no, JR wasn't dead it was a dream" scam - Oh wait, you are too young for that. - Sigh (feeling old). If you are going to flashback, forward, be in a dream or other stages of "not now" try to give the reader a hint.
It might work better if you start here:
“These are the beginning moments of your death. Watch carefully, for it is your only hope of avoiding it.”
And then give us a few POV and setting impressions.
Then you can go to something like: The room darkened and (holograms? images?)appeared on the wall.
If WM is in an "fantasy" or "futuristic" setting, you might want to consider the word "video," which smacks of VCR tapes or actual film.
If you've already set the hook, as it were, you can then describe the images in more detail and delve into Wm's POV. If the currently diembodied voice needs to say something right as soon as the images start, you can keep his/her/its second sentance where it was.
Just my thoughts. You can use them for whatever they are worth.
I was a little bothered by this sentence: "It could not be made certain what his eyes had locked on to, but his reaction could not be mistaken." The phrasing is awkward, and the passive voice seems out of place compared to the action of the rest of the paragraph. I think it would be better to omit this sentence and just show William's reaction to whatever he sees.
quote:
Is there such a thing on here as putting up an edited version, after taking into account the help I've been given?
Yes, it happens frequently. I would caution you to get as much feedback as possible before editing your story, waiting some indetermninate amount of time [whatever feels right, I suppose], and then reposting in a brand new topic--that's my preference. If you do repost, you might also consider editing your first post in this topic to redirect readers to the latest and greatest. Nevertheless, you can also repost in this topic if it suits you, and be aware that some readers may not notice the revisions you've made further on down the thread, which means you'll get comments on the old version. Again, edit the first post to redirect to a later post. Or you can safely ignore all of the above and do whatever you like -- we're generally easy-going, for the most part... most of us, perhaps...
But when you start out with so much action anyway, unless the suit has a characteristic that might keep him alive or kill him, it's not needed. But hey, maybe it does have a purpose. If so, you might give it a quick characteristic, something he notices about it? Something he remembers as he's mulling over the video in a following paragraph, perhaps? Something about the way the fabric feels against his skin or the way the light catches it, something that hints at what it does?
The sound of sirens reverberated <not sure I agree with the use of the word reverberate. I could certainly be wrong, (it wouldn't even be the first time *grin*)but tio me reverberate is more something you feel than that you would see in a video>around him.
William stumbled upwards<how do you stumble upwards? especially when he seems to be crossing a courtyard which in my mind says, flat> and worked to retrace his steps.
As he awkwardly crossed the open courtyard, he looked back. It could not be made certain <b> Truth be told though, in this piece this is the only line I had a major problem with. Perhaps "It was difficult to tell...">what his eyes had locked on to, but his reaction could not be mistaken. He wore a look of understanding and anger, of pain and guilt.
“These are the beginning moments of your death. Watch carefully, for it is your only hope of avoiding it.” <from this I get the feeling that William is the one watching the tape...If this is the case then I'm not sure if the pronoun usage is acurate above. I'd need to see more to get into your POV to be certain though...>
Feels like the beginning of a good idea that may want to be a novel. Good luck with this.
The hook is nice - the viewing of your own death, but I didn't have enough to get me there. I also got hung up on the passive phrase "It could not be made certain what his eyes had locked on to, but his reaction could not be mistaken". So his eyes are locking onto something but TO WHOM cannot it not be certain? This is the trouble with passive voice, the subject gets lost. You might try bringing up the fact that William is watching something instead of actually experiencing it at this point.
I do like the concept, but the mechanics need work
The one long, awkward sentence could just be cut entirely. It muddies the POV and doesn't add anything to the story or character. (I'll bet you struggled in writing that particular sentence. You have that undefined "It" hanging in the front because there's no clear reference to say who is observing William's expression.)
I really like the earlier suggestion to invert the paragraph sequence.
This is pretty good, really. The action is carried by good word choices (for the most part) and the premise is interesting. I'd keep reading, especially once the minor rhythm and wording problems are corrected.
But yeah this works for me, keep working and the mechanics will follow. To me 'he wore' sounds like he is faking his reaction. (We only wear masks.) As for point of view think about who is telling the story.
I like it alot better, having used your advice, please help me out once more.
Thank you all.
Edited to change new thread name.
[This message has been edited by Rilnian (edited June 22, 2006).]