[This message has been edited by spcpthook (edited June 21, 2006).]
Be wary, for that won't work for long, the reader will want to know, but won't want to be bored getting to it. Perhaps even explaining how they didn't even know what it was...etc...
> Dr. Henderson’s continued absence was peculiar.
Okay. I like that.
> The man was in love with the contents of vault sixty-two and the
> second anniversary of its capture, was approaching. He should have
> been frothing at the mouth trying to figure out what he could get
> away with giving to it.
Dr. Henderson was trying to figure out what he could "get away with" giving to... a vault? I don't give things to vaults, I put things into them. And with respect to "getting away with" it, is he trying to get away with feeding as little as possible into its cavernous maw, or to get away with jamming its greedy mouth as full as possible?
What was Dr. Henderson doing, since he wasn't frothing at the mouth? Was he placidly studying "the contents of vault 62"? Was he literally in love with the "contents", or is that language figurative?
On re-reading, I see that "its" refers to "contents", not to "vault 62", but I had to re-read it to figure that out -- and then I read the next bit, here:
> Sixty-two was the only thing I could remember arousing Henderson’s
> passion in the three years I worked here. Ever since its craft was
> found in the middle of the Gobi desert, Henderson made it a special
> case.
Sixty-two is the number of the vault, so when you say "its craft" I think, "the vault's craft?"
> Gods...if the powers that be had granted that petition, Henderson
> would have come back with a marriage certificate and
Okay, now that I've deciphered that you're talking about an alien, the marriage certificate comment is pretty funny. But please don't make me decipher so much. And I wouldn't refer to a living entity as "the contents of vault sixty-two".
Regards,
Oliver
You don't need a comma in "... and the second anniversary of its capture, was approaching."; you could, optionally, have a comma before that entire phrase but I don't think you need to.
"The three years I worked here" jolted me. Is the narrator still "here"? I assume so (or it would have been "there", but in that case, the past tense implies he is no longer working here. Try "I'd worked here" or "I'd worked there" or perhaps just "in the three years since I'd arrived."
And I have the old "are you starting where the story starts?" issue. You mention Henderson's "continued" absence. So he's been absent for a while. Unless that situation is about to change right now (and there's no hint of it so far), then you're starting at a random point during a hiatus between significant events (Henderson goping AWOL, and whatever the next thing that's actually going to happen actually is).
[This message has been edited by spcpthook (edited June 21, 2006).]
You aren't trying to build suspense because you tell us in the very next paragraph what the "contents" are. Just give us a hint before that second paragraph and I'd be wiling to stick with the story. I also think you can wait on the fact that Henderson is missing.
quote:
Dr. Henderson’s continued absence was peculiar. The man was in love with the contents of vault sixty-two and the second anniversary of its capture, was approaching. He should have been frothing at the mouth trying to figure out what he could get away with giving to it.
Maybe try:
Dr. Henderson was in love with the alien in vault sixty-two. On the second anniversary of its capture, he should have been frothing at the mouth trying to figure out what he could get away with giving to it. Ever since the alien and its craft was found in the middle of the Gobi desert, Henderson made it his special cause. The fool had even petitioned to have it released into his custody for a weekend in Las Vegas during some science fiction convention.
Gods...if the powers that be had granted that petition, Henderson would have come back with a marriage certificate. Instead of planning his private birthday party for it, he was missing.
***
Now I'd read more because I know what he's obsessed about and that his absence is peculiar without you "telling" me that. It doesn't bother me that the narrator/MC refers to the alien as an "it." In fact, it tells me what he/she thinks of the alien. It also doesn't bother me that I have no idea who or what gender the narrator is yet.
The writing is good. But it is important to understand how various issues (whether nits or not) effect who reads.
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited June 21, 2006).]
King's Falcon's suggestion would work for me. So would rearranging the paragraphs:
quote:
There was the mystique of course. A female with long slender legs a narrow waist and a chest you could rest a tray on, all wrapped in a pale green skin. I guess if you were male you could overlook some things like the antennae sticking out the side of her head or the ant like mandibles, powerful enough to sever a hand, protruding from her jaw. Henderson claimed she was amazingly witty and brilliant, but nobody else had ever heard her speak. And now he was MIA.
Another issue, completely unrelated: based on what we know of evolution, it's very very unlikely that a creature from outer space will look essentially human. I can accept this under 2 circumstances: the author tells us (through the narrator) something like, yep, this is pretty surprising; or if it's comedy (and it still wouldn't hurt for the author to let us know he knows). But since this is comedy, I wouldn't be *too* bothered.
So is the conclusion going to be something other than that she ate him?
[This message has been edited by spcpthook (edited June 21, 2006).]
Now, it's no good telling the editor that "hey, there;'s a really good bit on page 7". Or even on page 2. You HAVE to make the editor like page 1 enough that they'll read page 2. If you can get them to turn one page, you can probably get them to turn more.
You withhold information for no purpose. Mentioning that "the contents of vault 62" is an alien creature costs you nothing and gives the reader something. So why would you not do it? You can do it with ONE WORD - just say "Alien 62" at the start of the second paragraph.
If the forum doesn't work for you, then so be it (I certainly don't use this forum for novel-length work). But I think you're over-reacting - I've seen far more negative critiques on here.
Suck it up, think about what's been said, and decide what you want to do.
I can tell in 13 lines if I'm interested in providing feedback. It has less to do with the story and much, much more to do with the writing. I can get enough of a sample of writing in 13 lines to know whether or not something is worth my time. I've been here for three years now (God, I'm ancient!) and in that time I have critiqued hundreds of stories/chapters/excerpts. Early on, I tried to help out anyone, but this was a mistake. When basic sentence structure, grammar. spelling, and writing style are an issue, it is a chore to get through an entire piece and is not worth my time -- especially since these are the writers who will typically get angry at my attempts to help them.
I rarely offer feedback through F&F any longer (sometimes I peak in here to see if an old friend is posting, but I even do that rarely with so many unfamiliar faces prowling around, many for the purposes of posting one piece and then leaving). I will take the time now, to go through your 13 lines and explain exactly why I do not wish to read any further.
"Dr. Henderson’s continued absence was peculiar."
Actually, this is a good first sentence. You begin with conflict in a clear and concise manner.
"The man was in love with the contents of vault sixty-two and the second anniversary of its capture, was approaching."
There is a comma that doesn't need to be there. Also, you have captured vault sixty-two, not its contents. This confused me very much my first reading as I was in a hurry and just found myself wondering how someone captured a vault. Now that I have reread it and figured it out, I can also say that, not knowing the contents of vault sixty-two, you are going to have a hard time finding a pronoun to fit -- I don't even know if there is one thing in that vault or a million tiny things.
" He should have been frothing at the mouth trying to figure out what he could get away with giving to it."
I have no idea what this sentence means. What is "it"?
"Sixty-two was the only thing I could remember arousing Henderson’s passion in the three years I worked here."
I thought this was poorly worded. If you take off "Sixty-two was the only thing" you are left with a complete sentence that reads "I could remember arousing Heenderson's passion in the three years I worked here." By putting the "I could remember" bit in the middle of the sentence, I think you are confusing the issue at hand here, which is that Henderson was passionate about Sixty-two. You need to get "Sixy-two" and "Henderson's passion" much closer together.
" Ever since its craft was found in the middle of the Gobi desert, Henderson made it a special case."
I don't know what the first "its" refers to -- after giving it careful consideration, it may even me "Dr. Henderson" but I had no clue that Dr. Henderson was anything other than a human, and given the way steretypes run, I was assuming he was white and male. (I took a class on stereotypes and discovered, essentially, that I am not alone -- most people assume white, male, human until told otherwise.)
I also don't know what the second "it" is -- maybe a craft? But what do you mean by "made it a special case"?
" The fool had even petitioned to have it released into his custody for a weekend in Las Vegas during some science fiction convention."
This is amusing -- I might have laughed out loud if everything else had been clearer up to now.
"Gods...if the powers that be had granted that petition, Henderson would have come back with a marriage certificate and "
"Gods" strikes me as strange -- is the protag also not human? Or from a culture that worships many gods?
***********************************************************
Anyway, that's my take. I hope you find it useful.
[This message has been edited by Christine (edited June 21, 2006).]
Please explain overreacting...Not agreeing with you is overreacting? I've posted other things here and get the usual mix of good and poor advice usually sort through it and ignore what doesn't apply.
After several attempts I find this format is not the best for me. The one time it actualy did help was on a novel-length work. I belong to other workshops I tend to benefit from more. There are several people here who tend to post as though their opinion is the only possible correct one and it tends to be those who generally have the least to offer.
Diplomacy goes a long way toward making that comment something that gets considered and accepted or rejected or something that raises somebody's hackles and gets interpreted as an assault.
quote:
After several attempts I find this format is not the best for me.
The thirteen line rule is very good for some specific things. If you want those things, continue to post. If not, don't.
I thought that Christine's critique, for example, was really good. If you didn't learn anything from that, then the problem isn't with the format.
I've only posted a few sample of my own writing here, and I've gotten some advice I could use and some I couldn't. The important thing to remember is that even if I disagreed with someone's take on something, it was still an honest reaction on their part. I may think they're weird, or that they're not my target audience, or whatever, but I don't think anyone's trying to mislead me. And if I'm getting honest feedback, I can learn from it.
quote:
There are several people here who tend to post as though their opinion is the only possible correct one and it tends to be those who generally have the least to offer.
So thank them for taking the time to critique, and then ignore them.
Regards,
Oliver
Ah well... maybe the problem isn't with the format because I agree Christine's critique was very well thought out and useful in part. But you'll also note Christine said she rarely crits here...
Once upon a time I posted a big long rant about how people should critique stories....offering advice as though it is an opinion and not a fact is at the heart of that. Kathleen then had me write and she published a three-part article in her Science Fiction and Fantasy Newsletter about how to provide effective critique...maybe it's time to post that again. Or post a link to the article (which is now on my web pae.)
quote:
Please explain overreacting...Not agreeing with you is overreacting?
No. I never said you should agree with me. I don't think, in any critique I've ever posted on Hatrack, I've stated that I'm objectively right and someone else is objectively wrong. Maybe on matters of syntax or spelling, but even then, I often query whether (for istance) it's a UK/US difference.
All I meant was that abandoning this site (which you implied - or I inferred - that you would be doing, simply because you disagree with three or four people who've taken the time and effort to give honest feedback, struck me as over-reacting. In my opinion. You did spot that fact that I said "I think" you're overreacting, stressing that it was purely my opinion, rather than saying just "you're overreacting", which risks implying it was some sort of absolute diktat, right?
And if anybody doesn't want me to critique their work, then that's fine, that's their prerogative. Just let me know, and I won't waste everyone's time. That runs the risk of sounding snide, but it isn't; it's genuine. I recognise my critiques may not be well received and am perfectly happy for people to request that I don't comment, if that would make them happier.
(Edited for typographical errors)
[This message has been edited by tchernabyelo (edited June 21, 2006).]
So now all you have to do is untangle the knots and rewrite for readers. Readers who dislike confusion and are late for work, browsing bookstore shelves and magazine racks standing up, with a four year-old howling and tugging on their legs.
Hm, I make that sound easy...all you have to do...
I think that's the hardest part, though.