Just feedback on this fragment would be much appreciated. Thanks.
As soon as I heard the tread of the guards’ footsteps on the cobbles three stories below my bedchamber, I was worried. I was up and dressed before they’d began pounding on my door.
I did a mental check. Stolen anything lately? No. Someone else’s wife? Not lately. Someone else’s daughter? Ditto.
I scratched at my perfectly trimmed beard. I had done nothing wrong. No doubt about it: I was in trouble.
“Open up, in the name of the Emperor.”
That did it. It was time to leave. I opened the doors to the balcony, not seeing the guard stationed in the street below. Unfortunately, he proved more alert.
“Sir, he’s in there,” he shouted.
Good description and voice, in my opinion, as I got a good idea of what the MC looked like, the setting, and his personality.
How long do you think this will be as I am interested in reading more of it.
Two nits:
"Someone else's daughter." As opposed to what -- his own? Yuck. I'd say "Someone's daughter."
"I had done nothing. No doubt about it: I was in trouble." At this point, I don't know your world well enough yet. I *think* he's making a joke -- but why? Surely being arrested is serious. (BTW I hope you'll avoid a problem that Tomb Raider, the movie, had: the MC gave a little half-smile the whole time, so that you knew she wasn't the least bit worried about the horrible phyiscal dangers she encountered. As a result, neither was I, and I was bored. I prefer anxiety -- at least in fiction!)
You do a fine job of establishing the narrator's character, but that character does appear somewhat cliched - vain, clever (or thinks himself to be clever), obsessed with style.
Dressing, in Renaissance times, was a pretty major task, with all manner of ties and hooks and the like (indeed, for anyone but a peasant, it often required a groom/maidservant to assist).
I'd read on, but I need to know pretty soon that you're really comfortable in handling the milieu.
Oh, and fantasy-detective is an incredibly hard sell, judging by the guidelines I've been looking at lately.
Found the phrase “heard the tread of the guards’ footsteps” awkward and a little redundant. Suggest shortening it to “heard the guards’ footsteps.”
Should replace the “they’d” in “before they’d began pounding” with just “they.”
Also use of the term “Ditto” is anachronistic for a Renaissance inspired period.
*slaps forehead, brain falls out ear...*
One chief nit, which is the line "Open up, in the name of the Emperor" that somewhat seems to just materialize into being from the vaccuum. Although I did read about the MC's expectation about the imminent door poundings that were sure to come as the guards approached, but then we hear no footsteps outside the door, nor a door-pounding. Not a serious nit, but there were a few neurons firing in me when I read that part, saying in essence 'Where did that voice come from, anyway? Is it coming through the door? Hmm, I suppose it is. But why wasn't there a knock? Guess it was just implied.' The lack of any specific mentioning of a door-knocking had me just *this much* distracted. For me, if I was writing this, the door-pounding would have psychological value, as a device that makes the MC jump out of his skin, the knocking mirroring his confused, possibly fearfully beating heart. It makes me think of those times when someone was after me...a parent, a bully, a landlord...and that damning Pound Pound Pound on the door, shaking me to the core, as if they were actually pummelling me directly with their fist. And it never fails to scare the daylights out of me. The pounding brings it all home, loud and clear as day: Oh man, I'm so screwed. Others may have a bone to pick with me on this, I fear, however.
All in all, a good beginning tho, I admit.
[This message has been edited by Nietge (edited June 16, 2006).]
Mommiller, I would love to send you this, but its really not ready to be read yet. Mainly fragments that I need to work on! I will let you know when its ready to be read.
Thanks again.