..............

Jezmer shot the two-seater corvair up and around the Fuji-like volcano vomiting up its colossal plume of ultrahot sulfur, guiding them about with intuitive ease, while his young female passenger sat next to him, white-knuckled and stiff. Intending to give her a supreme view of Io's unbeatable vistas from closer in, he banked the corvair hard and low over yet another series of volcanic rifts, smoldering wide blisters, arterial runoff patterns with dizzyingly fractal tendrils and branches as if the Jovian moon suffered from an unprecedented, virulent skin disease.

.....

[edited for spelling, twice]

[This message has been edited by Nietge (edited June 11, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by Nietge (edited June 11, 2006).]
 

I am not sure that some of the descriptions are clear enough. They may be too fancy for their own good, giving me a lot of style, but not enough content. How is the volcano Fuji-like? I know that Fuji is a volcano, but I do not know how this volcano is similar to Fuji. From my point of view, the sentence is essentially telling me that it is a volcano-like volcano.

I also find it difficult to believe that far enough in the future that there is breathable atmosphere on Io, corvairs will still exist, still be driven, or have been transported to Io for cruising. Without any kind of information, I am being given two things which make no sense together, and have no way of putting them together.

Again, the description gets overblown for my taste, and the sentence way too complex at the end. blister, rifts, runoff, fractals... that is already very discriptive, almost too much so, but then it is compared to a skin disease, which throws my brain for a loop.

I would suggest shortening the sentences, clearing up the descriptions a little, and giving me some kind of reason to accept the crazy things happening. The writing is pretty, and the idea is interesting, but it is difficult for me to take in its current state.
 

In addition, I see what you mean also about the overall wordiness. I definitely should clean this all up.
 

As for the second sentence, it feels like and info dump. Chopping it up into three or even four sentences would probably help.

Overal I liked the style. It doesn't feel too baroque to me and the problems are mostly grammatical.
 

I thought they were driving a convertible around a volcano.
 

Here's my next question: how kosher is it to post revisions to the 13-liner in this thread, based on these collected critiques? Do I start a new thread? Forget about reposting revisions entirely? What's the Hatrackian protocol in this instance? I'd like to at least demonstrate that I've absorbed what you all have said in your well-said critiques, and have taken it heartily to---heart. Thumpata-thump (hear it? It beats, by God! Oh wait, hehe, don't listen too close, I have arrhythmia.)
 

...

Jezmer shot the two-seater corvair up and around the spectacular volcano with its colossal plume of ultrahot sulfur, guiding them about with intuituve ease. Just to do it: an impromptu celebration of skillful flight. The corvair was an older DaimlerFarben model, humble as a grasshopper in the hands of most, but Jezmer adored pushing it beyond the edge. Its octagonal thrusters blasted at full, sucking them into their smartgel seats at better than three gees. Jezmer adored to just let his free-wheeling piloting instincts take over at times like this, making the corvair soar and dart like a seagull in harsh thermals.

.....

Hmm, my instincts *now* tell me that the image of the volcano gets lost after all that which comes directly after. The reader gets swept up in the corvair's flight ...she might forget all about the volcano by the end of the paragraph. So, on the next paragraph, or group of sentences, when the volcanic region is mentioned again, she may feel *kertwanged*. Anyway, there it is so fire at will.
 

Of course, you have to make the volcano description really riveting so we'll read the second paragraph. Make the reader "feel" being there. The heat coming out of it. How the wind/air was like a blast furnace over the frozen ground. It lit up the sky brighter than Jupiter overhead. The onboard compass failed this close to the base and fingers tingled from the magnetic field fluxes. Description that evokes sensory feelings in the reader.

Corvair still bothers me because I remember that Chevrolet MADE a Corvair once upon a time. I think you need to make clear at the first mention of the vehichle's name that it is a...what? An atomic flyer? An antigrav flyer? The Corvair (trade name, remember..or is it? I'm suddenly not certain here in your story.) antigrav flitter swooped.... well, something a bit more specific so I know what a corvair (or Corvair) is.

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited June 12, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited June 12, 2006).]
 

"colossal plume of ultrahot sulfur"

into a separate phrase with its own verb, it will read better. It may appear longer, but it will feel lighter.
Ex: The corvair swerved to avoid a colossal plume of lava. The vaporized sulphur made his skin itch... Or whatever...
Or just do away with the adjectives. If it comes from a volcano we already know it's colossal and ultrahot, no need to rub it in.
(is fidling with other people's phrases like this kosher? if it isn't please let me know)

 

I have things to say about this volcano usage as well, but again, I need to bite my tongue and give thanks to the contributing reviewers. I'm hesitant to give *too* much emphasis to this volcano, since for now it's only scenery really, an eyeball kick in other words, and doesn't figure prominently in the story, admittedly. I'd have to give a summary for the whole story for this all to make sense. Should I just give a summary, and tell everyone what I'm trying to pull off? I would do it here, but the post would wind up being rather long and I feel I'd need to ask first, to see if it's at all warranted. Again, my hearty thanks so far to all who chipped away at this behemoth o' mine.

[This message has been edited by Nietge (edited June 12, 2006).]
 

(Nota bene for the jury--so far I'm quite impressed at the attention this little ditty has garnered from you all so far; I don't feel like I'm being beat upon. Critiquing is an act of love. I should definitely pay more attention to my *own* critiquing in return. I'm glad I found this forum, truly. I'm growing as a writer just from this example.)

[This message has been edited by Nietge (edited June 12, 2006).]
 

Possible experiment: try writing this without describing *anything* except as it directly relates to Jezmer's relationship to his passenger. I'm not saying do this to get your final version -- but if you go to this other extreme, bare prose and focusing on relationship (which is arguably the core of storeis) . . . I saw OSC tell a student in writing class to do this, when she had a similar problem, beautiful descriptive prose but not enough character, relationship, etc.
 

.....

Jezmer took a sec to gander at his wrist comm: 17:26 and some change. An opportune time for joyriding mayhem. He'd brought Acie along with him, his teen girl admirer (at least at times) who often pulled at his sleeve cuff for a free ride in the two-seater microship, speeding over Io's moonscape. Now he was admittedly stuntflying, to thrill her, establish some connection. Just to do it: a celebration of Jezmer's piloting. But so far on this microship run, it looked like he was failing to touch her deeply like he'd planned. It was at least a little sad. Something volatile in his chest reached out to her, like telepathy. A need for comprehension. But she had her shields up. She looked pained, on the edge of her seat. Pressed back in the smartgel cushions in the cockpit next to him. Trapped in the crash webbing. On the edge of terror, even. Regrettable. Of anyone, Acie had the best chance of understanding him, and the Voices, the best. But Jezmer was losing her.

[This message has been edited by Nietge (edited June 12, 2006).]
 

The same goes for his relationship with Acie. "Something volatile in his chest reached out to her, like telepathy." is confusing. Does he really have telepathy? If not, what is reaching out to her? Could you get the same idea across in a way that is more easily understood?

It sounds like you're experimenting with your voice, which is good. I would suggest trying to write exactly what is happening, and show us what is going on. You're giving us a lot more than the last version, it's much stronger characterization, but I think you could pare it down even more, and it would only make things stronger.
 

As it is, I've got too many questions about who they are. Who's Acie? A fan or potential girlfriend? What does Jezmer do for a living that makes him popular? Is he allowed to give her a free ride? What the hell do the Voices have to do with anything? Your first attempt didn't strike me because there wasn't enough info, and this one there's too much.

My suggestion for the hook is to have it be about why the pair is flying in the corvair. Either have the two talking to each other or Jezmer talking to himself about the flight. But that's just one suggestion.