One more house. One more hour. As she parked in the drive for her housecall, Sheila braced herself for the impact of Mrs. Evan’s house. It was as dingy as a 30-year-old prom ticket, worn not only at the edges but in many places across the middle. Dark and cluttered, it was as full of memories as that old ticket, too, at least for Mrs. Evans. And because of that, she would continue hanging on to every little thing she ever owned. All along the back of the couch were teddy bears wrapped in plastic bags. Similarly shrouded dolls lived on the end table. The arrangement of candles, matches, receipts, pictures and trinkets on the coffee table never changed position. They stood there like juju against change.
Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
The last line is an absolute corker. I loved it.
Some observations. The first line made be think she was bracing herself for the impact of another car, proximity of words is all : parked--drive--braced--impact.
I was thinking, unless the house has unexpectedly changed when the doctor enters it -- you know; it has become wonderfully tidy or something -- then why not have her seeming 'blah' about going in and then describe what she is seeing AS she is doing her housecall. That way you can incorporate other senses too, like the smell of cat dander making her want to sneeze and the already way-too-loud TV that gets even louder during the commercials.
That's just my thoughts on this snippet, who knows what's in the next paragraph. I certainly would keep reading, but would hope to have some action sooner rather than later.
BTW I notice you are new. Welcome , I think you'll like it here.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited June 02, 2006).]
Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :
This opening didn't really grab me for a couple of reasons. First off, I'm not exactly sure why Sheila is visiting Mrs. Evans (should be Evans's house). She could be a doctor, but also a cleaning lady, nurse, food delivery person, etc. The second and third sentence are too repetitive in structure (it was as...) POV is inconsistent. If Sheila is the POV then the third sentence is weak at best and the fourth is out of POV. Lastly you jump from parking in the drive to describing in detail the contents of the house - with no transition.
There is some nice imagery here, but it needs to be cleaned up. Before diving into the house description give us more of Sheila's POV.
Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :
What Omakase said.
Also, I was thrown for a loop by "It was as dingy as a 30-year-old prom ticket." The comparison was so strange that I found myself dwelling on it instead of really paying attention to the next couple of lines. I think comparing the house to a prom dress rather than a ticket might have been less startling for me, but still unexpected. I hadn't even remembered that my prom had a ticket.
I like the voice, and the comparisons can work, but you've neglected the demands of scene and sense.
Sheila parks in the drive, bracing herself for the last house on her rounds. And that's it. That's everything we find out about her, the POV character. She utterly disappears. Like Omakase says, why not give us more of her POV (though I would suggest including it as you describe the house, the description is presumably a representation of her thoughts on the matter).
Still, the voice is very good. I would turn the page, though with reservations.
Posted by Inthebe (Member # 3373) on :
Thanks for the feedback. Wbriggs, I found the link useful. Since there is no "rest of the story" to go with this, just some ideas, I think it would be best to complete much more manuscript, then go back to this opening paragraph and decide what is necessary information for starting.
I see how my MV disappeared from POV as I rushed too quickly into introducing her world to readers before introducing her.
Thanks, I'll be in touch!
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
By all means, write more!
Posted by CamSavWin (Member # 3478) on :
Good feedback. I was going to give the POV comment - but too late! I would turn the page, though.
Posted by PennyLane (Member # 3429) on :
I would absolutely turn the page. At the moment I know a lot more about Mrs. Evans than I do about your MC, so I might say you should add some more supporting details for Sheila, but I definitely want to know what's going to happen once we're inside the house. Welcome to the MB, too =)
