Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Obsidian Shards

This is topic Obsidian Shards in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :

Fantasy/mystery. Set in the Aztec world (yes, this is the one with the sect). 7800 words long. I'm looking for a few readers for the whole thing.

Thanks in advance!

The dead man lay on the reed mat of the frescoed bedroom, his face frozen in terror. His chest had been opened with a clumsy wound, and I could see the heart, almost torn into two pieces. The smell of blood was as overwhelming as that of the altar of sacrifices.

Magistrate Macihuin stood by the side of the mat, watching my reaction. When I said nothing, he spoke. "You have seen the body, Acatl."

"Yes," I said. "But I still don't know why you have summoned me. I have nothing to do at a murder scene." As a priest for the Dead, I merely assisted in preparing the corpses for burial, said the proper prayers and made the proper sacrifices.

Posted by Corky (Member # 2714) on :

Nit alert:

Wondering about "bedroom" and thinking "sleep chamber" or something like that might be better--if they even had separate rooms for sleeping, for that matter.

Posted by Corky (Member # 2714) on :

Silver3, I'd volunteer to read, because I like Central American stuff, but I don't know if I can promise to be very timely about it.

I am very bad about getting back to people on stuff like that.

Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :

This opening presents a few problems for me. The use of "bedroom" and "murder scene" sound too contemporary if this is intended to be a period-styled piece.

Describing a wound as clumsy doesn't fit well.

Why would that Magistrate say "You have seen the body" when they are (apparently) both standing there looking at it?

Lastly, I think the final sentence could be in present tense. I think it flows better and it is still his function as this scene takes place; the story is past tense, but unless he isn't a priest any longer...

Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :

"The dead man lay on the reed mat of the frescoed bedroom, his face frozen in terror."

Just a small nit, but I see a three beat pattern of adjectives and nouns in this first sentance that really jumped out at me.

dead/man --reed/mat--frescoed/bedroom

Other than that, it reads pretty well and the subject matter sounds interesting.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

The description of the wound was a little puzzling too.

Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :

Hum, okay. I shouldn't have rewritten the beginning.

Is this better?

#
The obsidian shard lay in my hand, half the size of my palm: a sharp, deadly thing still stained with blood. Its black surface shimmered with green reflections, and it quivered with the aura I associated with the underworld: blood and pain and death. Unusual, to say the least. One did not find such objects in a dead warrior's house.

I raised my eyes to look at Magistrate Macihuin, who stood in the courtyard, a few steps away from me, watching me with faint amusement in his eyes.

"Where did you find it?" I asked.

He shrugged. "It was embedded in his heart, and quite deeply--the guards and I had some trouble extracting it."

"How did you think of opening the chest?" I asked.
#
(Corky, I am not in that much of a hurry. I'll probably send it to you this evening).

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

Definitely prefer this second version of the opening. Sets the scene less ambiguously, better hook than "goodness, a dead body...", which (let's face it) isn't much of a hook when we don't know who's dead, how, why, or what it has to do with, well, anything. Making the death more mysterious is much more effective.

Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :

I'd love to read the whole thing. I can get it back to you in about a week.

Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :

Yeah, I prefer the second version too. That was actually the original version, and then I had a fit of madness and decided to rewrite it

Should have listened to lil' old instincts...

Lmermaid and Corky, it's on its way to you.

[This message has been edited by Silver3 (edited May 19, 2006).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I'll read.

I liked version 1 better, because I knew immediately what I was seeing: a murder scene.

I didn't have any problem with "bedrooms," but I suppose "bedchamber" woudl work.

Nit: a corpse can't have a facial expression -- as soon as the man dies, there are no longer nerves telling the muscles to make that pattern.

Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :

Silver3, I much prefer the second opening you posted (i.e., your original). I'm interested and would read the whole thing if you like.

Regards,
Oliver

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

I should have suspected you had something better up your sleeve. I think I'd like reading more.

Posted by Novice (Member # 3379) on :

This would feel more authentic if your MC thought of "the underworld" by its actual name, Mictlan. (Unless you mean him to be thinking about one of the other Aztec underworlds, in which case you should say.) And, from what I can tell, Mictlan was more about bones and worms and spiders than blood and pain and death.

I don't understand your sentence, "One did not find such things in a warrior's house." Most weapons were edged with obsidian shards, so a warrior's house would certainly have its share.

I like the way you've brought a contemporary murder investigation into this. It fits well with my perception of the sophisticated Aztec legal system. I like the way your second posting describes the magistrate's expression and dialogue.

Posted by Pyre Dynasty (Member # 1947) on :

The second one is much better.
Ditto on the underworld thing. It's too vauge, anyone can say underworld but only an Aztec would think of (insert Aztec underworld here).

BTW where are you doing your research?

Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :

Novice and Pyre Dynasty, not naming the Aztec underworld was deliberate. While Mictlan is historically accurate, it means nothing to most readers, whereas "underworld" at least gets the right idea across. And Mictlan sure could be about blood, pain and death, it was a matter of finding the right part of it

Besides, I have enough complicated names in the rest of the story...

Pyre Dynasty, I have a pile of books about Aztec ways of life, Aztec customs and mythology. It's sitting next to my computer.

Survivor, thanks! It's on its way.

Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :

quote:
Novice and Pyre Dynasty, not naming the Aztec underworld was deliberate. While Mictlan is historically accurate, it means nothing to most readers, whereas "underworld" at least gets the right idea across

Silver3, I think you may be doing the reader a disservice by not having a specific reference. It made me question what you did or did not know, as I remember enough about my South American history classes to know that complicated systems were in place.

Nor do I think, using the proper word, e.g. "Mictlan, the underworld of worms and spiders," would be considered an info dump. I think it would only ADD to the texture of your story.

Do you have enough readers for this go around? If not, you could send it my way, since I found both beginnings interesting, although I prefer the second one better.

Please send it my way...

[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited May 20, 2006).]

Posted by Kickle (Member # 1934) on :

I'd love to read it.

Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :

If you can wait a week for a response I'll read.

Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :

Sent to yanos, Momiller, and Kickle.

No hurry on this.

And with that, I think I have more than enough readers. Thanks everyone for the comments!

Posted by Pyre Dynasty (Member # 1947) on :

Can I get the title from your favorite one? I'm not writing anything specifically about the Aztecs, but I write fantasy and am always interested in mythologies to mine.