Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Short Story(Untitled)

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Posted by ken_hawk (Member # 2647) on :

this is my first attempt at a story for publication and i would like some feedback. its not finished yet but i thought getting some suggestions early on before i finish might be a good idea. its about a soldier who was informed that his wife died and he was then sent to live in a secrect underwater facility in the Atlantic that is the size of Maryland but a complete secret to the outside world,then one day the soldiers C/O told him that the U.S. had been invaded and D.C. had been taken over, so nukes were launched on D.C. by order of the president to protect the secrect of the facility and save the only future ameria has left. if anyone would like to read the rest of what i have so far then please let me know and give me an email adress so i can send it. thank you.

(no title yet)

Captain Riley Hunt awoke, alarm clock buzzing. Sitting up, he knocked over the picture of his wife, Alysa, and the many empty bottles that littered his nightstand. He then bent down and picked up the picture to set it back up, tears beginning to form behind closed eyes but refusing to fall.
Putting on his army issue white t-shirt, he slipped his dog tags around his neck and hid them away under his shirt. A feint crushing sound then echoed throughout the dome, like that of living inside a submarine. He hated that sound. It only reminded him of the life he once had but would never see again.

Posted by Hygge (Member # 3313) on :

The first few sentences were a bit, choppy. The wife's name broke up the action. Also, I assumed (dangerous word) that the bottles were of an alcohoic origin, but they could have been water bottles.

I would remove "then" from the next sentence.

I'm not a military man, so I don't know, but I wondered if those in the military alway wear their dogtags, and therefore, do not need to put them on in the morning. Just wondering....

Also, there is another "then" I would remove. A feint crushing sound "then" echoed throughout the dome Just some random thoughts.

[This message has been edited by Hygge (edited May 11, 2006).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

My main problem is that I don't know why he's crying -- and that does seem to be the center of what's happening.

Posted by ken_hawk (Member # 2647) on :

since we're only allowed to post the first 13 lines i was only able to tell that he was crying while he put his picture of his wife back up and it later tells why he is crying because of his wife(its the anniversary of the day he was told she had died) and it later ties into the plot in a very big way. the MC thinks shes dead but she was sent to a forced labor camp when the U.S. had been taken over and his C/O told him that in a desperate effort to save what was left for the last hope of the country, the president knew he was already going to die and so ordered the nuclear strike on D.C. to get rid of the documents and other evidence of the secret facility beneath the Atlantic. The MC later finds that his C/O had ordered the strike and was helping the chinese to gain power, and in turn he would be the leader of the new country, and that his C/O sent the MC's wife to the labor camp....like i said its a work in progress,lol, but thanks for the suggestions, any other things anyone wants to add that might help me?

Posted by MightyCow (Member # 3384) on :

I immediately thought that he would already be wearing the dog tags too. I'm not sure, but that's my instinct. I also get the impression that he's a weak character, and I wonder if that is what you are trying to project.

The fact that he wakes up crying, and probably went to bed while drinking, so that he had to put the bottles on his nightstand gives me the impression that he's a sloppy drunk, and overly emotional.

I imagine that I feel this way about him, because he's already crying, and I don't know anything about him, or anything about why he's sad. In order for me to care about him crying, and not just think he's a sap, I need to get to know him first.

Edit: Reading it again, it seems like you're trying to put too much into one section, and skipping on the details. He sits up and knocks over a picture and a bunch of bottles. How does sitting up knock those over? Does he knock them over going for the clock? If so, I think you should say that. It's implied, but the sentence makes it sound like his sitting up is what caused the picture to fall.

Similarly, he closes his eyes to keep from crying while he's putting the picture back. It sounds like he has his eyes closed while he's putting the picture up, which would be quite a feat, unless he is groping for the picture, or has perfect spacial memory. I think it's just a matter of slight editing of the sentences so that they read a little differently

[This message has been edited by MightyCow (edited May 12, 2006).]

Posted by Aalanya (Member # 3263) on :

I would suggest slowing down with a little more description and explanation. I agree that he seems like a bit of a crybaby, simply because I have no idea what's going on. Emotion often seems a bit fake if it doesn't have background info to support it.

Also, "feint" should probably be "faint." What exactly does that sentence mean? "A feint crushing sound then echoed throughout the dome, like that of living inside a submarine." If I'm reading this right, it seems like you're talking about some "sound of living." The comparison just doesn't make sense to me. Do you mean "like the sounds heard inside a submarine"?

Posted by MarkG (Member # 3420) on :

There seems to be little to justify his tears in the opening because the reader knows nothing about his wife. There is nothing to back his emotions. Also not sure what the knocking sound has to do with his former life.

That said...I think your story has good potential and could turn into something very interesting. I'd like to take a look at it if you'd like to email the rest of it to me. Just click on the email icon and you can sent it to me.

Thanks, Mark

Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :

Well, I don't care whether Hunt is crybaby for knocking off the picture, or if his wife left him, or if she's been killed by zombies... but I do care about having enough detail to understand what is really happening. For instance, what kind of bottles are on the nightstand? Beer bottles? Hard liquor? Prescription pill bottles? Old-fashioned milk bottles? Soda bottles? Plastic or glass? I don't know, but knowing what is intended -- not guessing -- would surely clear some things up for me.

I do have some trouble understanding how simply sitting up in bed will knock stuff off of the nightstand. I have to assume that Hunt was reaching for his alarm clock. Sure, some actions are implied and can be written in shorthand so to speak, but "sitting up..." is the first thing I read that threw me -- when I sit up in bed, my arms tend stay close to my body, usually to support my weight and give me balance. They don't usually flail haphazardly knocking things over... not that I'm aware of anyway. (I always blame the cats for those mysterious knocking downs that occur while I'm asleep.)

Now, if I'm fumbling for the alarm clock while still half-asleep (possibly hungover, such as Hunt may be), pressing the snooze button ad infinitum, or simply trying to find the OFF button on my clock, then I may accidentally knock something off the nightstand. Continuity and clarity is important, in other words. What is really happening? (I should never have to ask this question when I'm reading fiction, though it's fine for me to wonder what might happen later...)

Anyway, there is not a whole lot of clarity in this fragment, and I don't know what to make of it. He sits up in bed, but then bends down? Is he still on the bed while bending down, or has he got up out of bed? Don't know. But I would like to know....

[This message has been edited by HSO (edited May 12, 2006).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

ken_hawk, these links may be helpful:

http://www.hatrack.com/writingclass/lessons/1998-10-29.shtml
http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/002662.html

Posted by pjp (Member # 3211) on :

"army issue wihte t-shirt"
If you're looking for a "current" reality, the Army does not issue white t-shirts. They issue an ugly light brown t-shirt though.

Re: dogtags
They're supposed to be worn "on duty" but it isn't a requirement while sleeping, UNLESS you're in a war (or similar). While in a war they should be worn at all times. Also, IIRC, they should be worn when travelling too.

Posted by Woodie (Member # 3346) on :

From reading your explanations, I think this is a good idea for story, but the intro is not peaking the same interest. Maybe trying starting somewhere else.

Posted by ken_hawk (Member # 2647) on :

thanks everyone for the links and advice. and MarkG i'll revise the story's beginning and other parts and email it to u if you want still. thanks.