Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Short Story: The Last Interview

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Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :

Just finished this short piece of spec fiction, about 3000 words and am looking for readers. If I had to pick a genre I guess it would be Fantasy, but not in the traditional sense.

Here's the first 13 lines (critiques on these welcome of course).
Let me know if you're interested to read. Thanks

The old man took a deep drag of the cigarette I had given him and let the smoke roll out over his lip, savoring it. He was uneasy, fidgeting in his chair and tapping his heel against the leg.
“I don’t have a story,” he repeated.
I stared intently at him, but he wouldn’t meet my eyes.
“Everyone has a story, Moncredo,” I countered. I could play this game better than he. “Tell me how you got here.”
“It’s boring. You’ve heard it before.”
“Probably.” I watched him as he finished the cigarette and flicked the butt absently into the void. I wondered if he would be content just to sit and smoke a

Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :

I thought this opening was interesting, and I'd be happy to read for you.

Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :

An interesting beginning, and it hooked me to want to see the remainder of it.

Please, send it my way.

Posted by luapc (Member # 2878) on :

Hi Omakase,

I thought this was a very good opening and well written with one exception. The beginning two lines are good to start with and have good description, but I would suggest taking out 'was' and 'had' from these. The words 'was' and 'had' by definition are past tense and the opening is something happening now, so just describe the old man and what's going on as if it is happening right before the reader's eyes in present tense. With this in mind, I'd also suggest taking out the 'I had given him' part altogether in the first line since that adds nothing to the opening and detracts a tiny bit from the attention to the old man.

All in all, I'd say a very good opening and grabs the reader well. Since it's fairly short, I'd be happy to read it and let you know what I think. Go ahead and send it to me if you like.

Posted by Hygge (Member # 3313) on :

If you need another reader, I'm game. Ditto on the past tense words, "I had given him" to "I gave him"

I would like to see where this goes. Good start!

Posted by MarkG (Member # 3420) on :

Hi there,

If you'd like to send it my way, i'd more more than happy to take a look and give you some comments!

Posted by x__sockeh__x (Member # 3069) on :

It hooked me, I'd like to critique it fully if you don't already have enough readers. I'll save my opinion on the first 13 until then.

Edit: Crap, I think my Hotmail expired...send it to delphikib@gmail.com, if you could.

[This message has been edited by x__sockeh__x (edited May 10, 2006).]

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

It's interesting that this opening works. I think mainly that's because your first line successfully integrates third and first person elements, making Moncredo the focus but presenting the narrator as the POV actor.

I don't see that you tell us much about Moncredo by calling him "the old man" rather than "Moncredo" in the initial line. You could have described him a bit as the narrator watches him for cues. Describing the way he handles his cigarette gives a chance to look at his hands, which of itself could tell us his age. Watching him exhale gives a chance to describe any pertinent details of his face, particularly his expressions.

It would also help to have a bit clearer idea of the setting, something the narrator would definitely be thinking about, since this is clearly an interrogation under mild duress.

Overall, good enough for a piece this short. I'm interested in reading further, at least.

Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :

Copies of the story out to all who requested to read.
Thanks for the interest.

Regarding the verb tense, I purposefully chose past perfect for the first line regarding the cigarette, as Moncredo already has it and is smoking as the story opens. The story is all past tense. I could certainly use past tense here, but it does change the meaning.

Thanks again, I look forward to your feedback.

Posted by thexmedic (Member # 2844) on :

I don't have time to read it but I just wanted to say what a great opening I thought that was. Really nice.

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

This is an evocative opening. I like it, too.

After rereading and comtemplating it, I do have one comment. I found on subsequent readings that there was a jarring mismatch between the quiet, lazy image evoked by the old man's letting the smoke roll out over his lip and the description that he was nervous/fidgeting. One is slow and calm and the second seems to not be that at all.

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited May 11, 2006).]

Posted by ken_hawk (Member # 2647) on :

very good opening. it leaves the reader wanting to know more and find out what the mans's story is, ad how he go whereever he is.

Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :

Arriki - I'm glad you pointed that out. I had thought about it when I was writing the scene, but then I thought "What do people who smoke do when they get nervous?"

Smoke, of course. Although maybe I need to portray the act differently to be consistent as you mentioned. Luckily it's easily fixed and a minor point of the story.

Thanks!

[This message has been edited by Omakase (edited May 11, 2006).]

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

You could say he'd just stopped fidgeting and whatnot. I don't hate the inherent contrast. He's got a smoke, but he can't quite relax.

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

I think it is the "savoring it." followed by the "He was uneasy." They are so different. Savoring it sounds as if he's deep inside himself. Savoring the smoke. And uneasy is an entirely different attitude. I, personally, prefer the calm attitude. He's hiding his uneasiness. That makes me more curious. The interviewer could know the old man's hiding his uneasiness. That would work. But the whole sense of the scene so far seems to be quiet and deep feelings below the surface.

Posted by Woodie (Member # 3346) on :

Great start. My only problem with it was not knowing the setting. I'm guessing prison, which would be really easy to clearify in the first paragraph.

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

Maybe I'm the dissenting voice here, but I don't think you need the physical setting right here. Probably shouldn't wait too long. Another paragraph or two but showing us or telling us about where would ruin the mood which makes this opening so powerful.

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

I think it's a great opening. The imagery of the character is strong, and provides a nice hook. I don't see much to criticize.

Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :

My thoughts:

This is an interesting opening, and I'd keep reading. (Email
oliverhouse@gmail.com, if you're looking for feedback on the
rest.)

Here's where I see room for improvement.

> The old man took a deep drag of the cigarette I had given
> him and let the smoke roll out over his lip, savoring it.

"Savoring it" feels like a violation of POV to me. If I'm
watching him, do I know that he's "savoring it"? Or is he
stalling for time? Or is this a habit of his? Only he can
know if he's savoring it.

Maybe use a different word, or just say "roll slowly out
over his lip."

> He was uneasy, fidgeting in his chair and tapping his heel
> against the leg.

"He was uneasy" is telling. Maybe let the fidgeting and
tapping stand alone, or find a way to augment or replace those
to show that he was uneasy.

There's also a bit of a clash between the deep drag and
savored smoke from the first sentence, and the fidgeting in
the second. (Which also is a vote against "savoring" -- who
savors anything while fidgeting?)

> “I don’t have a story,” he repeated.

I like "he repeated" here. It's a little thing, but it
unobtrusively tells me that this has been going on for a
while, with tension building before I even started reading.

> I stared intently at him, but he wouldn’t meet my eyes.
> “Everyone has a story, Moncredo,” I countered.

You don't need to say "I countered" because your words do it
for you. If you believe the books, "I said" will be more
transparent to the reader, and therefore better, for this
line.

> I could play this game better than he. “Tell me how you
> got here.”
> “It’s boring. You’ve heard it before.”
> “Probably.” I watched him as he finished the cigarette and
> flicked the butt absently into the void. I wondered if he
> would be content just to sit and smoke a

I like the rest quite a bit, and have no other comments. I'm
interested in seeing what the guy's story really is, and why
the narrator is so interested in his particular story.

Regards,
Oliver House

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

I'm a non-smoker, and i have no problem watching some people smoke and being able to recognize when they are savoring the experience.... the idea of smoking being savory might make ME go "Yech"... but I can, from my POV, recognize the emotion in others from the look on their face, from the rolling the smoke around in their mouths, from the fond way they interact from the cigarette.

So don't let anyone tell you this description is a POV violation.

Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :

> I can, from my POV, recognize the emotion in others
> from the look on their face, from the rolling the
> smoke around in their mouths, from the fond way they
> interact from the cigarette.

Isn't that the point of the whole POV issue? That you can _infer_ that they're savoring it by what the viewpoint character is shown, rather than getting directly inside the head of the non-viewpoint character by being told directly about it?

This is advice, and I'm perfectly happy to be ignored, but I'd be surprised if I were the only person who found it a little jarring.

Regards,
Oliver

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Well, "savoring" is an action that is fairly easy to detect in another, and it isn't that easy to fake. And maintaining POV is a little less demanding in a first person account, as long as the "I" of the account is consistent.

I will say that the opening as a whole may not have been the best choice for the story, but you can't find that out from the text of the opening.