Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Sign of the Snake

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Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

The first 13 of a challenge short (4,000wds Fantasy/historical). And any help would be great. On just the post or the whole kaboodle.

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The Sign of the Snake

Kaushal watched the trees. Macaque monkeys chattered and swung within the branches of the tamarinds. His father called this the many colored land, a canopy of fruit, flowers, and movement. The swaying bowers held a swift warning of danger, and could be an Irula’s best tool for catching his snake prize. Vipers were easily spotted by the macaque.

Kaushal was alone for this hunt. His father remained ill, and his brother, Jeevan, had forsaken the way of the Irula. Kaushal was sure this was why his father was dying, the man’s heart was broken. Pride was thick in the men of his tribe. They did not forgive, they did not forget. And now with Jeeven gone it was left to Kaushal to continue the tradition of his people. He had no qualms in this. The hunt was what drove him;

Posted by NoctivigantR (Member # 3389) on :

Send it to me and I'll read it.

I know a girl named Jeevan. It's an East Indian name, her family speaks Punjabi.

Not that I'm ruling out the possibility of Jeevan being a name in another language or simply one that you invented.

[This message has been edited by NoctivigantR (edited May 05, 2006).]

Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :

Pix, I can take a look at it. not sure how useful I'll be, since I've already critted it once, but if you need one more, just send it over

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I'll read.

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

I suggest you work in some of Kashaul's reasons for being in the jungle to strengthen your opening paragraph. The first paragraph paints a picture of locale, but it seemed to jump all around...first there are the trees, then the monkeys, then his father's thoughts about the land, then someone named Irula, and then snakes... yet it never said what I needed to know, that Kaushal was hunting. If you can say that Kausahl is watching the trees for snakes (or whatever he's watching them for) it would anchor us up front with his reason for being there.

Is it just me, or is the word "bowers" very odd here?

When I did an online look-up (too lazy to haul out the dictionary) it tells me the definition of "bower" is:
1) A shaded, leafy recess; an arbor.
2) A woman's private chamber in a medieval castle; a boudoir.
3) A rustic cottage; a country retreat.
4) An anchor carried at the bow.

Yet another definition came up with this:
A shelter or covered place in a garden, made with boughs of trees or vines, etc., twined together; an arbor; a shady recess.

I think the word you NEED is "boughs" not "bowers".

The second paragraph is good... it conveys backstory enough to get a feel. I think that overall, the hook is there.

Posted by Novice (Member # 3379) on :

I like the setting. It's interesting and fresh, and I'd keep reading simply because it's different. It made me think of Kipling, for vague reasons I can't explain.

In the first line, could you simply say "Macaques chattered..."? I don't think your character would call them "macaque monkeys".

I simply don't understand, "The swaying bowers held a swift warning of danger, and could be..." The first phrase seems to be immediate, implying there is already visible danger, but then the second part slipped back into abstract description.

"...catching his snake prize.." takes away all of the feeling of danger. It almost shoots me straight to the county fair.

The second paragraph is too passive, you have eight repetitions of "was." You can strengthen it easily -- i.e. "Kaushal hunted alone..." and "The hunt drove him..."

I love the idea of this piece. Interesting location, interesting character, and a nice change from castles and meadows and temporate forests.

Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

quote:
I know a girl named Jeevan. It's an East Indian name, her family speaks Punjabi.

Yah, this takes place in India.

It can be a boy's name as well. I used to know what it meant, but I forgot now.

Thanks guys for your comments. Very helpful, as always.

And thanks for the offers to read. I'll get them to you today.

Silver, if you don't mind reading, I'm changing a bit here and there, but I always love your critiques. And I know this is right up your alley.

Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :

Yeah, this might be

Send it on, I'll take a look.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Looks interesting, with a couple of minor nits. I don't know if anyone else mentioned that your first usage of "Irula" cannot be figured out from the context. It's funnier because you bothered to tell us that macaques are a kind of monkey

The main thing is that you break focus. It's true that the "bower" thing might have confused me (I was thinking that Kaushal was on a balcony outside of a bedroom, and that's the only thing that might have made me think that), but you also break away from the immediate scene before fully establishing it. We can find out why Kaushal is alone after that becomes relevant. First you have to portray the moment.

I wouldn't mind trying out some more of this.

Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

Thanks Survivor! It's on its way.