“I was picking a pocket when I first learned I could become invisible. I suppose the shock of being caught might have had something to do with it. Not surprising really since it was my first time on both counts. I felt rather than saw the hand grab firmly at the neck of my shirt and in that instant all I wanted to do was disappear. I didn’t expect it…excuse me Miss but are you getting all this?”

Sloan blinked at the question and realized she had stopped typing. Her steno machine, normally a ticker-tape of activity lay dormant with her hands resting lightly on the worn black keys.

 

The reservation is because I'm also a bit lost. First we got the monologue, then we got who else was in the room. Then, since I was critiquing 13, not reading for fun, I could go back and put the pieces together. There's some person, probably male, who's been talking. Why? Is he in jail, or a doctor's office, or . . . why is there a steno present?

This would work much better for me if it went either like this:
Identify Sloan, where she is, and what she's doing there.
Identify the other party
Monolog.
Sloan's reaction.

OR

the same thing, preceded by a hook sentence, telling us about this invisible man thing.
 

Your right by the way. The setting is a lockdown medical room in a prison. Sloan is this guys court appointed stenographer there to take down his story before the end of his life. Why his life is ending will unfold as the story goes on.

I think maybe I was afraid that the first sentence wasn't enough of a hook. Though after reading what you had to say maybe it works after all. The reality is that its a hook not just for the reader but for Sloan herself. If that first sentence is enough for her to stop typing maybe its enough for the reader to want more as well. Then I can concentrate on setting the scene more with Sloan.

Thanks for the feedback
 

You may also need to clarify when in time you are.

No one (well, there is probably someone out there) uses the old steno machines anymore. The steno machines with the silencer (the triangular beige mouthpeice that covers the reporter's mouth and nose) are also very rare. Many attorneys here (Washington, DC/Northern VA) area won't use a reporter with a silencer. Most of the reporters we use are all lap top with a tape recorder to cross reference. They have a rather amazing software program than transcribes. Some even use real time transcription software.

So, I guess that is a long winded way of saying I need to be oriented in time for it to work for me. Otherwise the image of the old steno throws me (who deals with court reporters on a regular basis) right out of the story.

So it is probably a nit, but one you may want to think about. Other than that detail, and the points made by Wbriggs, you seem to have a good start.

I was just about to jump on the internet to see what stenographers used nowadays cause I was wondering if my characters machine was a tad outdated. Once again thanks for the heads up.
 

And I would be highly cautious about having any mechanical device in a prison situation, particularly high security. I am doing some freelance work right now for a prison program, and the security is tight. My friend, who works in the prison, cannot wear light blue to work (the color of inmate clothing). They can't have staples, you can't take a cell phone of your own in, no metal whatsoever, (thus the steno machine probably would be disallowed.) The rule of thumb is, if it can be used as a weapon, or any part of it can be used as a weapon, it ain't going into the prison. Plus, a woman would never EVER be left alone with a male prisoner (a precaution against a hostage scenario) without prison guards a stone's throw away...

All this is my way of saying: to make your prison scenario realistic, do your research.

[This message has been edited by Elan (edited May 03, 2006).]
 

The fact that your dialogue in the first paragraph has no tag at all is bothersome, and would quickly become frustrating if you continue to withhold information about the speaker.

The phrase "I felt rather than saw the hand grab firmly at the neck of my shirt..." seems more like something a person would write in a memoir. It doesn't strike me as realistic dialogue.

After reading your second post, I got the impression this speaker would be playing his story for shock value, in which case he would probably stop after the first or second sentence, to check his audience's reaction. This would depend on whether or not the audience had any foreknowledge of what they were going to hear.

I'm not sure I would believe a scene in which the only two people in the room were the speaker and the stenographer, especially, as previously noted, in a prison setting. There should be at least a questioner, or someone to keep the speaker's story from digressing, and some kind of guard.

IMHO, the person being interviewed or recorded would hardly ever be free to directly address the stenographer. For this story to work from the POV you intend, there might need to be more distance maintained between the speaker and the POV character. To be believable, her reactions would need to be more internal, as she appears incompetent for her job if she stops recording. (Which might be your point, but then you have more problems, as the setting dictates stringently managed personelle.)

Again, I really like the idea, and I think the first two sentences are an excellent hook. It seems a little familiar, and if I remember what it reminds me of, I'll let you know.
 

Maybe if you added a tag at the beginning of the monologue to indicate who the speaker is, that would help.