Clary glared at the horizon, which offered no hint of direction. There were no landmarks; there was no sun. Ashes and gloom were all that was left of the world. She was tired of coughing, tired of not being able to tell shadow from shape. The drifting ashes moved constantly into new landscapes, so something that looked surely to be shadow from one glance, might shift subtly into shape with the next glance...then get up and sidle away in a minor whirl of wind before the next glance could catalogue it again.

At first, Clary kicked some of the lumpy debris, hoping to find anything recognizable hidden underneath. But the lumps mostly hissed into clouds of gritty flakes, lighter than air motes.
 

My second thought was - why is she there? It sounds like she is from away since you said "the world" instead of "her world", and I thought perhaps the word "catalogue" meant she was actually trying to catalogue something rather than just discern what the shadow shape was.

Paraphrased, I guess what I'm saying is: Given a literal reading, it's confusing me.

Overall, I'm interested and would definitly read on. I get the impression that we won't be on this world very long and this part of the story is to simply give us insight into Clary herself.
 

[This message has been edited by Netstorm2k (edited April 27, 2006).]
 

You start by saying she "glared" at the horizon. First question, why is she glaring? Second question (which comes up later), how is there a horizon if there's no sun, and especially if drifting ashes are obscuring everything to the extent you describe?

I think I know what you're trying to say, but it isn't what you ended up saying.

You need to describe the situation sensibly before waxing lachrymose about it. As it is, I'm mostly figuring out what you mean by what I've learned novice writers frequently are trying to say rather than by what your words actually imply.

You can wax lyrical...but make sure that we understand the context first.
 

I'm guessing we have a darkened sky ala nuclear winter or somesuch, with dust/ash blowing across the landscape, reducing visibility to less than a mile. Clary is escaping from a shelter or downed vehicle inside of a blast center, and everything for several miles (possibly more) has been leveled. No clear indication on weapons used or how long ago it was, but the area is not hot. Weather patterns imply significant disruption of the local climate.

But almost all of this is conjecture based only thinly on the text. In the context I've described (along with several other possible contexts), most of the text falls into place as interesting POV based description. But that context isn't established by what you have here.
 

If it is the former, I'd say that it's a bit clumsy, and repetitious, but it can be difficult to describe things that are both variable and kinda abstract. I'd try to carefully focus on the setting, and then remark what stands out. Make a little brainstorming page with words that approximate the scene. Do that, and you'll find the descriptions start forming themselves, and they'll be clear to others as well. You may have to play around with the words a bit, but that's the fun of it.

If it is the latter, then... hell, I don't know. Depends on the details. As Survivor said, it depends on the context.
 

Clary has been there for long enough for the experience to be miserable, but then again if one is walking on a dead or dying planet one might be hard pressed to enjoy it at all.

I personally got the image of "the" world, as in "the only" world, but in a sf reading it seems that would mean either the MC is ignorant of other worlds, or holds this world in higher regard than the others.

On the flip side, if it's "the world" meaning "a world the MC happens to be on at the time" then it seems like she knew about it’s destruction before hand. I got the impression that she was (in that case) doing something to try and stop the end of the world, but was unsuccessful and possibly even partially responsible for the whole thing.

I would say take out the second "glance" but then you would have to take out the third, and then you'd have to rewrite the whole sentence, so I can deal with it.

When I remembered that it was a SF piece, it made me think that Clary might not be walking through darkness. Shadows, figuratively speaking, are things that you can't really make out whether visual or mental. Literal shadows are cast by something blocking light, and light, like generators and electricity, might be present on a dying SF planet. Also, because it is a SF piece, I got the impression that Clary is going to be leaving soon, b/c there are the means (probably) and the motivation (she doesn't like it there) to do so.

Anyway, I thought it sounded different than the sort of thing you find in gas stations, and that hooked me to the doom and gloom motif. Thumbs up.

Clary wanted to know the time, even though she knew it didn't matter. The campus had burned with everything else, so she wasn't missing classes. She simply wanted to know if it was day or night, if day and night even happened anymore. Since the fires it was always dusk. Or dawn. Always half-light, red-tinted like those nocturnal displays at the zoo. If the sun rose and set, it did so behind such thick clouds and haze that its light never grew brighter than the guttering glow from the fires.

The world was all caustic ashes and gloom, foul fumes and weightless motes. No one else had survived, no one to see how Clary's right eye winced and ran, how she had a constant nosebleed.
 

That was the first thing that really glared back at me on the screen.

Now, you could combine the sentences about the day and night situation.

I do like this better, but you have turned her into a damsel in distress. She seemed more pissed off the first time. Which were you going for?
 

Currently, I'm tempted to think that she's on the campus, but it doesn't seem like that is the case. I'd also like to know where she's trying to go, since I doubt she's just looking for a clock. There is a bit of a POV problem in that you don't have Clary really thinking hard about how long it has been like this even though you say she really wants to know.

If she's been in this situation for more than one waking period, I'd say you should throw caution to the wind and start with her waking up. It would tell us a lot about her situation.